trans | What other people think

Realised that I have cared too much about what other people think and that I have in the past limited my actions accordingly...has actually been a life time hindrance...taking too much notice of what other people think....rather than following my own map...their map didn't show me the way to fulfilment...Have been gradually telling family and friends the past 2 months or so that I at very least have Gender Identity Confusion and that I might even be a Transsexual....I suppose I hoped that by initially simply admitting to being "confused" and that I was attending a Specialist to assist me in this "confusion"...well initially I felt it was a means of softening the impact ..and also allowed me a "point of some return"...as well there is a lot of exploration involved and my opinion does vary as to what exactly is the best way to stabilise my life...

Didn't come out in a letter or in a single announcement...it has been gradual...most friends were not that surprised as they knew that I was a very feminine guy anyway.....Ironicaly it was my family who were surprised...they actually don't know me as well as my samll circle of true friends...as there is a big age gap between sibklings and we live long distances apart. Has always been household where conformity was enforced..."in case think badly of us because one of us is different"..."if Alan is different it refelects badly on us all"...they were afraid of what other people would think...

But hey most of my circle of Angels without wings (friends!) have been supportive...at least of my need to explore and they don't criticise...they know I have been in a lot of pain and say that I shouldn't live my life unhappy "you can't go on living a lie " "You have to be true to yourself". They are of course wary of me ever undergoing surgery...as is my one domestic ally...Mum...and I am too....it won't happen in the near future and will be thoroughly researched...I would need reasonable guarantees of a reasonable end result and life therafter. I would be a better looking man than a woman...with a lot less effort..but as another poster said "It's not about looks...it's about how it makes me feel"...

thanks to all who have responded to my log and hope you are feeling positive
Al (an) (lison)