trans | A personal journey...

Hi... I'm new to both LJ and this community as a whole, so please bare with any mistakes I make. I'm trying to figure out what I am, and I decided that I might need some outside help with this.

Before I begin, let me admit that I'm very anxious about talking about talking about this.

I am very, very confused about my gender. After going through several years of intensive therapy and several mental hospital visits for other 'issues', I've finally become somewhat comfortable with dealing with this issue. I've been attempting to tackle this for the past few months now, and as I get more and more confused, I'm finding myself in need of some kind of help to find my path again.

I've been putting this issue more and more into my art, splitting off the aspects of myself into several different characters, which makes it confusing to look at if you try to imagine them put together. While the art does help me feel better, it again and again reinforces one solid truth: I have no clue what I am. One such attempt at drawing 'me' revealed to myself how much of a monster I see of myself, and how confused I am as to whether I am even human.

I constantly attempt and reattempt to make a visual depiction of myself in my art, but every time I fail, every time it feels horribly wrong. Even though I try to figure it out on my own, I feel I've gotten to the point where I know from past experience that I need someone to help me, even if just a little bit. I know that only I can say what gender I am. All this is a tentative and very nervous attempt at asking for a little bit of help...

Thanks in advance for any advice, comments, etc.
-Base