trans | What's up?

First of all, thanks for this community. I will definitely try to help out here as well as ask for advice.

It looks like the people here are pretty involved and that's really cool.

I've felt like I was mentally and internally a guy since I was 4 and had a concept of gender... but it started being a problem late jr high and highschool. I started being very depressed with no way to explain it. I thought I was bisexual, and had this goal of obtaining a really "femme pretty little girlfriend" who accepted me as her "boyfriend". So.. y'know, I thought that was how most masculine-identified women in girlgirl relationships felt.

I got ties to the gay community and although I met awesome friends and got a few lovely girlfriends out of this, it is still awkward because I identify as straight male and was getting this attention (like because I stand up for gay rights) for being a lesbian/ "dyke". I didn't like it... It didn't feel right.

I shyed away from the community and convinced myself I was a straight girl... grew my hair out again, became someone I wasn't, and thought I had "cured" myself. now, I have gone back to being more me. I don't bind my chest but I have short hair and look pretty masculine, I naturally have a guy's way of walking, a deep voice and a blunt manner... so dressing this way brings it out so much more. Although I'm excited about meeting more transgendered people and talking about myself to my friends.... alas, here's my depression back again and although I have more knowledge now and am older, it's still hard because people think I'm sort of crazy. I have supportive friends who see me as a dude but they just don't get why I can't go get surgery or be myself.. it's so hard! To me myself, I'd have to be out to the world! I'd have to go through major surgeries and change my name and get therapy.. sh*t I get so scared sometimes and then I feel weak.. which is stupid i know, but I hate feeling helpless.

Last weekend I was hella thinking of suicide and I don't want my life to be like this. Don't worry about this part-- I am past that way of thinking.. But I just don't know how to tell if I am trans. Lately, friends have been calling me by my Harry Potter nickname "Dudley" and referring to me as "he"... because, y'know, Deathly Hallows and Order of the phoenix (movie) came out this summer so we've been dressing up and stuff.. and it feels really cool for them to call me a guy's name and male pronouns. Harry Potter's actually helped me a ton.. 'cause I've always had a nickname to fall back on. I used to role-play online with girls and tell them I was a guy... it was so exciting. When I told them I was really a girl.. it wasn't as fun anymore. It kinda sucked a whole lot.

I don't want to grow up a woman. Even though I had feelings of liking men in my teen years, I never considered getting married or having children (as a woman). I actually fantasized about getting a Father's Day card one time. :) I just long so much for another life.

What's weird is, everyone sees me as this goody girl.. but I know inside I'm this rough-around-the-edges guy.

At least.. I think so.. I don't know how to tell. It's been really hard.

Plus.. even on LJ, I talk about myself as a male... and then people on my Flist commented saying "You're a guy!? We thought you were a girl!" and that realllly hurts.. Anyone have the same thing happen? I don't want to sound girly! D:

/sigh

Thank you for reading...any advice or anything? I'll take anything. :)