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trans2008-01-30 07:54 am
aubreycolors.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2008-01-30 07:54 am
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You're born alive; you're born just like everybody else. The world wraps itself around you. Weaving its expectations on your life before you've even had a chance to have your say.
But it's just wrong.
You stand motionless in your ten year old body wanting to scream out loud, but afraid that somebody will ask you why you are screaming. The most cruel joke ever played by a God generally believed to be a big man sitting on a throne looking down from the sky. God is laughing.
"Enjoy!" God says.
Your very existence is beyond your comprehension.
Every single little thing that you are is exactly what is held from you. You are in a prison. A prison without bail. You are who you are, but the world sees you as something else. The world reacts to you in a way that you just completely do NOT understand.
The only way you know to deal is to numb the pain. Numb it. Escape. Ignore. You live your life looking forward to the day you die. Is it going to get here soon enough?
But life goes on. You miss out on the most important things that all the other kids are doing and that all the other kids are taking for granted. You just can't enjoy even the simplest things in life. There's ALWAYS that yearning, that restlessness, that sorrow, that sadness.
You can't even tell the people you love. You can't even tell the people who claim to love you.
People don't understand because they don't WANT to understand, not because they can't understand. You learn that this is the way society reacts to a large amount of life.
You even go to Catholic confession. Maybe by telling the priest in confidence, absolution will bring peace of mind. But while Catholicism teaches that everybody is a sinner, you are not going in to confess of your sins. You're going in with the realization that your complete existence is a sin in and of itself. ...and when you actually get in front of the priest, you're too ashamed to say it in that way. You run out of the confessional when it's all over with such embarrassment that you must continue to bury.
So you cut yourself off from society. You only venture out simply because you have to. You retreat to a place inside of yourself so deep, so personal, that NOBODY can understand you at all. You're afraid. You have constant panic attacks living your life afraid that somebody you know (or even don't know) will simply see the real you.
You have shame at who you are. You have shame when you look at yourself in private. You have shame when you have to do things that you should never have had to do in the first place. Society taught you this shame.
YOU ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE.
But is the universe flawed or is it perfect?
You are an adult now. You are living your life in fear. Fear on a daily basis. Fear on a yearly basis. Is there a way to overcome the fear? What is fear? Why is fear? How is fear?
You realize that fear is all in your head, and if there is just a way that you can stand up to that fear, face it, and stare it directly down. ONLY THEN will you be able to overcome it.
You take steps to become yourself, but you know deep down that NEVER, NEVER, NEVER will you be what you should have been from the beginning. You can take as many steps as possible, you can get as close as technology will allow, but NEVER will you have what all the other kids have. You will never be natural.
Life is going to be so much amazingly better than it was before, and that's simply because you knew that nobody was going to save you unless you saved yourself.
...and you MUST be ok with this. You try as hard as you can. You do your best to cope, and that's all you can do. Your survival is dependent on this.
You believe.
It was not a joke.
Your life was not a mistake.
You were not a mistake.
You are amazing.
You are blessed.
You are real.
You are you.
But it's just wrong.
You stand motionless in your ten year old body wanting to scream out loud, but afraid that somebody will ask you why you are screaming. The most cruel joke ever played by a God generally believed to be a big man sitting on a throne looking down from the sky. God is laughing.
"Enjoy!" God says.
Your very existence is beyond your comprehension.
Every single little thing that you are is exactly what is held from you. You are in a prison. A prison without bail. You are who you are, but the world sees you as something else. The world reacts to you in a way that you just completely do NOT understand.
The only way you know to deal is to numb the pain. Numb it. Escape. Ignore. You live your life looking forward to the day you die. Is it going to get here soon enough?
But life goes on. You miss out on the most important things that all the other kids are doing and that all the other kids are taking for granted. You just can't enjoy even the simplest things in life. There's ALWAYS that yearning, that restlessness, that sorrow, that sadness.
You can't even tell the people you love. You can't even tell the people who claim to love you.
People don't understand because they don't WANT to understand, not because they can't understand. You learn that this is the way society reacts to a large amount of life.
You even go to Catholic confession. Maybe by telling the priest in confidence, absolution will bring peace of mind. But while Catholicism teaches that everybody is a sinner, you are not going in to confess of your sins. You're going in with the realization that your complete existence is a sin in and of itself. ...and when you actually get in front of the priest, you're too ashamed to say it in that way. You run out of the confessional when it's all over with such embarrassment that you must continue to bury.
So you cut yourself off from society. You only venture out simply because you have to. You retreat to a place inside of yourself so deep, so personal, that NOBODY can understand you at all. You're afraid. You have constant panic attacks living your life afraid that somebody you know (or even don't know) will simply see the real you.
You have shame at who you are. You have shame when you look at yourself in private. You have shame when you have to do things that you should never have had to do in the first place. Society taught you this shame.
YOU ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE.
But is the universe flawed or is it perfect?
You are an adult now. You are living your life in fear. Fear on a daily basis. Fear on a yearly basis. Is there a way to overcome the fear? What is fear? Why is fear? How is fear?
You realize that fear is all in your head, and if there is just a way that you can stand up to that fear, face it, and stare it directly down. ONLY THEN will you be able to overcome it.
You take steps to become yourself, but you know deep down that NEVER, NEVER, NEVER will you be what you should have been from the beginning. You can take as many steps as possible, you can get as close as technology will allow, but NEVER will you have what all the other kids have. You will never be natural.
Life is going to be so much amazingly better than it was before, and that's simply because you knew that nobody was going to save you unless you saved yourself.
...and you MUST be ok with this. You try as hard as you can. You do your best to cope, and that's all you can do. Your survival is dependent on this.
You believe.
It was not a joke.
Your life was not a mistake.
You were not a mistake.
You are amazing.
You are blessed.
You are real.
You are you.