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sakuramoonlight.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trans2008-07-02 12:10 am
sakuramoonlight.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2008-07-02 12:10 am
Well. This sucks. (warning, triggers)
Where to start?
It's been a long time. I was fired from my job a year ago, due to having lyme's disease. How that's fair, I don't know. Sank into pretty major depression then, as I was just starting to show signs of transitioning (hmmmmm.), my car broke down, so I wasn't able to get a job again right away. Actually had to scrap that car and find a new one. Time went on, I was really messed up, doing some bad self-injury, found out I'm probably Borderline Personality Disorder, got into therapy. Then I kinda dropped off the face of Livejournal.
More behind LJ cut.
Yay life.
Anyone have any ideas? Suggestions? :/
~B
It's been a long time. I was fired from my job a year ago, due to having lyme's disease. How that's fair, I don't know. Sank into pretty major depression then, as I was just starting to show signs of transitioning (hmmmmm.), my car broke down, so I wasn't able to get a job again right away. Actually had to scrap that car and find a new one. Time went on, I was really messed up, doing some bad self-injury, found out I'm probably Borderline Personality Disorder, got into therapy. Then I kinda dropped off the face of Livejournal.
More behind LJ cut.
Since I've been away, I've OD'd on valium (or was that before I disappeared? I don't remember), spent a week in a psych ward where I couldn't have any sharp things or strings, went on an anti-anxiety medication, had several other near encounters with suicide. Went full-time(ish). Ended up in a crisis center again one night, for threatening suicide with a knife to my neck. Was kicked out. Came home after two days. So covered in scars from cutting now, I refer to myself as 'tiger-striped'. Had stomach surgery (appendectomy) which messed me up big-time, and right when I was having some luck getting interviews (of course, no one called me back). Went off the hormones for about a month and a half, and stopped taking the anti-anxiety. Recovery has been long and rocky, and I'm still having problems with insomnia, nausea, exhaustion. Therapy has been off and on, due to the events in the lives of myself and my therapist. Have been unemployed for nearly a year now. No one seems to want to hire me. Gee, I wonder why?
Here's my current situation. I live at home with a family that tolerates my presence, if nothing else about me. I won't go homeless or starve, but.. I have no money. I have a couple months left of hormones. No job. Physically ill two or three times a week, and so exhausted. Cannot sleep for the life of me. Shitty job history, probably poor references, no credentials. My laser facial hair removal treatments are starting to wear off, and I can't afford electrolysis. This is making it more difficult to pass. Pale skin and dark hair, shaving isn't too effective. I barely got by with the lasering. So trying to get a job /now/? Even fucking harder. This area isn't too big on the GLBT scene, and with so many applicants to the few available jobs, why hire me? I have about half a week's worth of warm-weather female clothing. Clearly, I need more than that. I can't wear the kind of things I normally would, not in this weather, and recycling the same few outfits twice a week, doesn't go over well with places of employment, I think. Two student loans are overdue by a few days.. going to try to get them deferred, which I should have done a long time ago. But I may still need to pay this round of them. Car insurance coming up. Without an insured car (it's mandatory here in NJ), getting to a job somewhere distant in this shitty job market would be problematic. Etc, etc.
So I'm faced with a difficult choice about which expenses to spend my last 500 dollars on. I don't feel /too/ suicidal lately.. I've actually calmed down a lot since the surgery. And no self-injury since then either. Though it's starting to creep back into my mind. And now with no idea what to do.. ugh. My one chance might be to move up to near New York City with my friend, who currently lives alone in her apartment, and try to find a job in the city. ...or just prostitute there. Since that doesn't go over well at the Jersey Shore. I can't comprehend how I've come to actually consider that as an option.. but there it is. Or, if I stay here, within some semblance of accessible distance to Philadelphia, I could potentially try my luck as a dominatrix in /that/ city. My ex girlfriend is doing it, and she seems to think it's a good job. My therapist also recommended it, oddly enough. But I seriously question whether I am dominatrix material. I haven't the attitude, disposition, or wardrobe for it.
Here's my current situation. I live at home with a family that tolerates my presence, if nothing else about me. I won't go homeless or starve, but.. I have no money. I have a couple months left of hormones. No job. Physically ill two or three times a week, and so exhausted. Cannot sleep for the life of me. Shitty job history, probably poor references, no credentials. My laser facial hair removal treatments are starting to wear off, and I can't afford electrolysis. This is making it more difficult to pass. Pale skin and dark hair, shaving isn't too effective. I barely got by with the lasering. So trying to get a job /now/? Even fucking harder. This area isn't too big on the GLBT scene, and with so many applicants to the few available jobs, why hire me? I have about half a week's worth of warm-weather female clothing. Clearly, I need more than that. I can't wear the kind of things I normally would, not in this weather, and recycling the same few outfits twice a week, doesn't go over well with places of employment, I think. Two student loans are overdue by a few days.. going to try to get them deferred, which I should have done a long time ago. But I may still need to pay this round of them. Car insurance coming up. Without an insured car (it's mandatory here in NJ), getting to a job somewhere distant in this shitty job market would be problematic. Etc, etc.
So I'm faced with a difficult choice about which expenses to spend my last 500 dollars on. I don't feel /too/ suicidal lately.. I've actually calmed down a lot since the surgery. And no self-injury since then either. Though it's starting to creep back into my mind. And now with no idea what to do.. ugh. My one chance might be to move up to near New York City with my friend, who currently lives alone in her apartment, and try to find a job in the city. ...or just prostitute there. Since that doesn't go over well at the Jersey Shore. I can't comprehend how I've come to actually consider that as an option.. but there it is. Or, if I stay here, within some semblance of accessible distance to Philadelphia, I could potentially try my luck as a dominatrix in /that/ city. My ex girlfriend is doing it, and she seems to think it's a good job. My therapist also recommended it, oddly enough. But I seriously question whether I am dominatrix material. I haven't the attitude, disposition, or wardrobe for it.
Yay life.
Anyone have any ideas? Suggestions? :/
~B