trans | this might piss some people off....

[this first stuff i wrote in my Livejournal.]
I'm so fucking angry right now. righteously angry. at kids at school. because they discriminate against me, by discriminating against people that aren't like them. i feel like i could rip their fucking throats out, but i think it would be better to tell them about trans people, what we as people go through, what i've been through and am still going through, etc. etc. I'll make sure to include happy stuff as well, cuz not only bad stuff happens to us, but you know, i wanna be realistic. i just...i hate people so fucking much. and i wish i could've gone to that vigil. it's probably still going on right now. i want to go down there and join the people and hopefully meet people. I BELONG THERE. all the time I spent over Julie's house fiddling around on her guitar, listening to punk and ska and whatever, I could've spent downtown being with people like me mourning transgender people that have been victims of hate crimes, being righteously angry as I am right now. I'm such a fucking asshole for not going to the vigil. I feel like an asshole. I feel like shit. I should be there. Now. With people like me. Instead of here, bitching about it on the Internet in my journal that nobody fucking reads anyway. Why am I here??? Fuck. I can't deal with fucking, heterosexual, binary gender, racist, homophobic, transphobia, sexist fucking rich white kids anymore. I wanna fucking kill them I hate them so much. AND I HAVE TO GO THERE EVERY SINGLE DAY. But don't feel sorry for me. I mean, do, but ..there's people a lot worse off than me. I don't go to public school. The kids at my school are mostly like the assholes I hated in public school, but there's a lot less of them and they're fucked up so that's why they go to my shithole of a school instead of a real shithole of a public school. but i still hate people at my school.

even my friends are just..ignorant. they pretend not to be racist or sexist or homophobic or whatever but they ARE with some things and it pisses me the fuck off because they're fucking making fun of ME because I'm mixed and biologically female and queer and trans and just...they're making fun of the people I belong to. Fuckers.

I emailed my psychologist. Here is the email I sent, but I modified it a bit.

Dr. _____,

Hi this is Jordan (aka Caryn ____). I'm writing you because I'm seriously thinking about coming out as trans tomorrow to my Issues In Social Justice class. We've been talking recently about gender issues, mostly stuff about sexism against women and so on, and I've been constantly bringing up transgender issues but people in my class are stupid and don't like talking about sexism or transgender people being killed because they're transgender or any of that stuff because they think "well that's not me, that doesn't matter" and it really upsets me a lot. I'm really angry right now just thinking about the kids in that class. Also the teacher isn't very good about teaching about gender issues because she doesn't seem to know much about anything really, but specifically gender issues like transgender issues and stuff concerning women (some stuff) and so on. She's too afraid of making the kids in the class uncomfortable, but they're going to be uncomfortable no matter what because this is new to them and they don't like to think about "freaks" getting killed and whatever because that's not them. I really just hate the kids in that class. In fact, I hate most kids at my school. Even my friends piss me off because they're kind of homophobic and sometimes racist and transphobic and whatever else. I just really really hate my school a lot. And I'm trying to teach kids in my class about transgenderism, because it's important to me, but I've been kind of limiting what I talk about (I don't talk about really personal stuff because I'm not out yet) and I don't want to do that because it's preventing me from really teaching them anything. And I'm just getting tired of having to hide who I am. I've stopped caring about potential backlashes. If they're gonna beat me up or whatever because I'm transgender then they'd probably beat me up for any other stupid reason anyway. I'm just tired of not allowing myself to be who I am because I'm scared what people will think. I really just don't care anymore what they think and I need to come out to them and I was wondering if you think that's a good idea or not.

Sorry if I'm bothering you, I know I'm going to see you tomorrow but this is pretty urgent because I want to do this at school tomorrow. If you get this today, please email me back if you have time. If not, that's OK. I will figure something out.

Thanks, and sorry if I'm bothering you with this.

--Jordan

P.S. I'm also mad at myself because today is Transgender Day of Remembrance for trans people who have been the victims of hate crimes and there was a vigil in downtown DC and I wanted to go but didn't because I had band practice and I wanted to go to both things..plus I'm bad at taking the metro because I'd probably get lost. But I should've gone so I could be around people like me, so I could feel like I belong somewhere. Did you go, or did you hear about it or anything? My dad told me I should've asked you if you would go with me but I'd feel silly doing that so I didn't. I should've :( OK. bye.