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trans2003-12-23 09:49 am
lovesodivine.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2003-12-23 09:49 am
Scared of what I am capable of
Last night I went to mums. Baya was there and dad came over. After dinner we were talking about HRT and mum said she was still confused about how I could want to do this if I was with Hannah for so long and that I knew I felt like this even before I met her.
Dad said that it was because I had "Manly urgees", which upset me to start with. Totally the wrong thing to say. I wasn't with Hannah because of "manly urges", (whatever the fuck they are),.. I was with her because I love her. To which he argued that I was with her instead of my school friend Peter because I had "manyly urges" instead of "womanly urges". I mean for fuck sake. He's known his daughter is bisexual for years. Does that mean that Baya is a boy-girl with all the genitals that go with it so that she can have both "manly and womanly urges"?!
Then he lost his temper (no, he already did that - he was shouting all of this)... and walked out in to the hall still shouting, saying that he didn't know why I couldn't just get on with life and that it wasn't a big deal -- "I had problems when I was a kid but I still got on with stuff like everyone else"... and that he wished he'd never gotten involved with this family... etc etc
I completely lost it and for the first time that I can remember I acted how I feel inside and screamed at him and threw a book and then a mirror at him... slamed the kitchen door on him and ran to the utility shower room where I banged my head really hard on the tiles about 30 times. I have bumps on the back of my head now.
I am not black and white. I cannot be put in to a handy little category. ... and guess what,.. this isn't something that's easy to cope with and quick to fix. In fact it can *NEVER* be fixed. So a little more compassion would be nice. If everyone else I know can support me in an calm adult manner, then why can't he? This is my time to be selfish and look after myself.
Dad said that it was because I had "Manly urgees", which upset me to start with. Totally the wrong thing to say. I wasn't with Hannah because of "manly urges", (whatever the fuck they are),.. I was with her because I love her. To which he argued that I was with her instead of my school friend Peter because I had "manyly urges" instead of "womanly urges". I mean for fuck sake. He's known his daughter is bisexual for years. Does that mean that Baya is a boy-girl with all the genitals that go with it so that she can have both "manly and womanly urges"?!
Then he lost his temper (no, he already did that - he was shouting all of this)... and walked out in to the hall still shouting, saying that he didn't know why I couldn't just get on with life and that it wasn't a big deal -- "I had problems when I was a kid but I still got on with stuff like everyone else"... and that he wished he'd never gotten involved with this family... etc etc
I completely lost it and for the first time that I can remember I acted how I feel inside and screamed at him and threw a book and then a mirror at him... slamed the kitchen door on him and ran to the utility shower room where I banged my head really hard on the tiles about 30 times. I have bumps on the back of my head now.
I am not black and white. I cannot be put in to a handy little category. ... and guess what,.. this isn't something that's easy to cope with and quick to fix. In fact it can *NEVER* be fixed. So a little more compassion would be nice. If everyone else I know can support me in an calm adult manner, then why can't he? This is my time to be selfish and look after myself.