ext_270581 (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
gigusfox.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trans2004-02-15 10:50 am
gigusfox.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2004-02-15 10:50 am
No idea what kind of advice I am looking for but wanted to post this here.
(whole thing spell and grame checked with MSword) cross posted to from journal ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
gigusfox
Well I think I have come to a conclusion about my identity crisis. In addition, this is a final conclusion. I am male rather I want to be or not. I was born that way and when I was a child, I was not uncomfortable with it like transsexual's tend to be. My life was hard growing up. I would attempt to draw out plans for video games and my father would through them away. This created ideas that I cannot recover and I am sure were good ideas. Now this was the focus of my childhood making games and having friends. However, the over lapping focus was to survive when my father, brother, or the kids at school got ugly. I grew up moving around a lot and everywhere I went I followed the tomboys around like a lovesick puppy. They tend to be strong confidant girls/women. I never got much attention from them though begin a social outcast because of begin a young weak nerd with the self-esteem of a rock. Eventually my mom and I had escaped my father and moved in with her parents who were a bit better. Sort of out of the frying pan and into the fire. MY grandpa would hit me for not being masculine. As I grew up, I think I started thinking in the back of my head that only women were allowed to be feminine but I had met many women with masculine traits. Now when I was about 14-15 we got away from her parents and I moved to a place called South Hadley (we just moved from California to Massachusetts). This school was hell. I got beat on in class without intervention. I would tell people I thought girls were better than guys were and they called me a homosexual (wtf?). Anyway after 1 year of this school I was not able to go anymore so I flunked my first sophomore year. I stayed home and did not go to school. MY mother was also going through a major depression. I found a nice group of people online in a place called Lycos Chat. IT was a small group for the first 4 months then it exploded. IT stopped being friendly, as it was so many super-depressed people. The people I remember well from that time were Silver Jester, Daishi, Lina, Lady Black Knight, Mysticcreature, and Sir Aifhie. After a while I got tired of being myself even through a character that was me in a freeform RPG (which it was). Now I invented a persona a lesbian jock and her girl friend. Now that was whom I played Out of Character. In character she played a variant on Rutee Katrea from Tales of Destiny (love that game). I had fun doing this. I was about 15-16 at the time. I also played her in normal chat rooms to see what would happen. Damn guys are dumb hitting on me online al the time and calling me a whore when I said I was gay ;p. Well as soon as I got a letter saying I had flunked I stopped going online and went to a new school called Northhampton High School. I love that place. I was back to begin myself again I swore to never go online again for a long time and if I did I would be myself (except of course for characters in RPG's but I would be me out of character). MY mom lost the place she was renting. I moved in with my dad who had moved to Northampton a few years prior. He was a lot different then I remembered him. He had a great roommate named Frankie she is so cool. I ended up getting kicked out of his house over the answering machine. I got into a housing program called TLP Transitional Living Program outside of (dis)service net. Well the program went to hell over the next two years. I never graduated that school despite having lots of friends and a good environment because of this. In my senior year, a bunch of stuff happened and I could not pass. I moved in with my girlfriend and her family. Her mom invited me to stay as long as I needed to. I do not know if she understands how much it means to me to have a roof over my head that's stable. I met my girl friend at a scifi convention a few years past. I love her dearly. Anyway, I started hanging out with the gaming club at Umass Amherst over the next two years as I tried to get SSI then funding for college from massrehab. During this last year, a thought and a feeling came to me. I like lesbians because I find them romantic now I have an environment where I do not need to be on survival mode which is what I was on most of my life. This allowed me to question all the core beliefs I had about myself at length. I ponder "Am I Gay?" people told me I was when I was grown up. That went out the window quickly as I laughed at the reason they thought I was gay. I thought girls were better so I had to be attracted to men. That was amusing. The I started thinking seriously. Maybe I am gay. My dad is a crossdresser. Maybe. I am a gay woman in a straight mans body. I had prided myself on having almost no sex drive as I was growing up. This is still true but not as true as it was. My blood tends to stay in my head rather than my penis. Love my comparably low sex drive. Now lets think. Am I this? I have spent a year agonizing over the possibility. I have been thinking and researching on transsexuals but I just today thought I of going back over my life and seeing what kinds of traits, I showed. At the moment I think because I have had low self-esteem drilled into me as I was growing up and I thought girls were so great that now I was pondering being one. I mean I have an inferiority complex I think women in general (not all) are better than me. I think I internalized this to mean I should be a girl then I would not be inferior. In addition, I believe that a lesbian is a girl who realizes that men suck. This is not true but inside I believed it. Now I think I have come to the end of my crisis or at least a major part of it. However, I do not know where to go from here or even if this is the right conclusion.
gigusfox Well I think I have come to a conclusion about my identity crisis. In addition, this is a final conclusion. I am male rather I want to be or not. I was born that way and when I was a child, I was not uncomfortable with it like transsexual's tend to be. My life was hard growing up. I would attempt to draw out plans for video games and my father would through them away. This created ideas that I cannot recover and I am sure were good ideas. Now this was the focus of my childhood making games and having friends. However, the over lapping focus was to survive when my father, brother, or the kids at school got ugly. I grew up moving around a lot and everywhere I went I followed the tomboys around like a lovesick puppy. They tend to be strong confidant girls/women. I never got much attention from them though begin a social outcast because of begin a young weak nerd with the self-esteem of a rock. Eventually my mom and I had escaped my father and moved in with her parents who were a bit better. Sort of out of the frying pan and into the fire. MY grandpa would hit me for not being masculine. As I grew up, I think I started thinking in the back of my head that only women were allowed to be feminine but I had met many women with masculine traits. Now when I was about 14-15 we got away from her parents and I moved to a place called South Hadley (we just moved from California to Massachusetts). This school was hell. I got beat on in class without intervention. I would tell people I thought girls were better than guys were and they called me a homosexual (wtf?). Anyway after 1 year of this school I was not able to go anymore so I flunked my first sophomore year. I stayed home and did not go to school. MY mother was also going through a major depression. I found a nice group of people online in a place called Lycos Chat. IT was a small group for the first 4 months then it exploded. IT stopped being friendly, as it was so many super-depressed people. The people I remember well from that time were Silver Jester, Daishi, Lina, Lady Black Knight, Mysticcreature, and Sir Aifhie. After a while I got tired of being myself even through a character that was me in a freeform RPG (which it was). Now I invented a persona a lesbian jock and her girl friend. Now that was whom I played Out of Character. In character she played a variant on Rutee Katrea from Tales of Destiny (love that game). I had fun doing this. I was about 15-16 at the time. I also played her in normal chat rooms to see what would happen. Damn guys are dumb hitting on me online al the time and calling me a whore when I said I was gay ;p. Well as soon as I got a letter saying I had flunked I stopped going online and went to a new school called Northhampton High School. I love that place. I was back to begin myself again I swore to never go online again for a long time and if I did I would be myself (except of course for characters in RPG's but I would be me out of character). MY mom lost the place she was renting. I moved in with my dad who had moved to Northampton a few years prior. He was a lot different then I remembered him. He had a great roommate named Frankie she is so cool. I ended up getting kicked out of his house over the answering machine. I got into a housing program called TLP Transitional Living Program outside of (dis)service net. Well the program went to hell over the next two years. I never graduated that school despite having lots of friends and a good environment because of this. In my senior year, a bunch of stuff happened and I could not pass. I moved in with my girlfriend and her family. Her mom invited me to stay as long as I needed to. I do not know if she understands how much it means to me to have a roof over my head that's stable. I met my girl friend at a scifi convention a few years past. I love her dearly. Anyway, I started hanging out with the gaming club at Umass Amherst over the next two years as I tried to get SSI then funding for college from massrehab. During this last year, a thought and a feeling came to me. I like lesbians because I find them romantic now I have an environment where I do not need to be on survival mode which is what I was on most of my life. This allowed me to question all the core beliefs I had about myself at length. I ponder "Am I Gay?" people told me I was when I was grown up. That went out the window quickly as I laughed at the reason they thought I was gay. I thought girls were better so I had to be attracted to men. That was amusing. The I started thinking seriously. Maybe I am gay. My dad is a crossdresser. Maybe. I am a gay woman in a straight mans body. I had prided myself on having almost no sex drive as I was growing up. This is still true but not as true as it was. My blood tends to stay in my head rather than my penis. Love my comparably low sex drive. Now lets think. Am I this? I have spent a year agonizing over the possibility. I have been thinking and researching on transsexuals but I just today thought I of going back over my life and seeing what kinds of traits, I showed. At the moment I think because I have had low self-esteem drilled into me as I was growing up and I thought girls were so great that now I was pondering being one. I mean I have an inferiority complex I think women in general (not all) are better than me. I think I internalized this to mean I should be a girl then I would not be inferior. In addition, I believe that a lesbian is a girl who realizes that men suck. This is not true but inside I believed it. Now I think I have come to the end of my crisis or at least a major part of it. However, I do not know where to go from here or even if this is the right conclusion.