trans | Man, I'm Tired

I've been laying around for about two hours, but I just couldn't sleep stuff on my mind and all. You know how that goes.

Anyway, here's what I was thinking about, sort of. (More or less)

So, Susan posed an interesting question to me last night. She was wondering what I felt like I would be losing or leaving behind after going through transition. At the time, I couldn't think of anything, but then I started to think of the more obvious stuff.

What kind of obvious stuff? Well, like, how I wouldn't be able to have children. Not that I really want to have children or anything, and this "problem" could also be remedied anyway. (With Science!)

Another obvious one? Not being able to pee standing up anymore. Not really that big of a deal, but you know, something to think about.

And that's about where I stopped being able to think of stuff. I mean, I'm interested in taking this path because I want to improve my life. Granted, as this is something I want I tend to only see the positive aspects, but really... this is what I want, and have wanted, for a really long time.

She also asked me how I felt about doing the androgyny bit. I have weird feelings about it, though. Frankly, I think that I'm in a different place than a lot of my gender-fluid of androgynous friends are. I'm just really hooked up on being female. Not male, and certainly not somewhere inbetween. The idea of someone looking at me and even having a shadow of a doubt that I was possibly male, when I'm supposed to appear female... well, that's almost worst to me than just being male.

It's a weird sort of fear, I guess. I really need to accept that this can and will happen, though. Transition can do a lot, but some people can still see through that sort of thing. Also, there's some people that really just look like they're the opposite gender, but I really hope to be one of the lucky ones. I guess maybe it's not that weird a fear, but unless I can be able to accept myself no matter what people may think, then I might be in trouble.

It's just... I don't want to look like a guy dressed in drag, or a woman who looks manly. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it, but that's just not how I want to look. Some people would consider someone who looks like that an abomination, and I'm afraid of that. I don't want to be inbetween just female.

Which swung me back around to what I'd be losing by becoming female. I'd be taking a risk, I guess. But I think that it's worth it. Some may say that I'm losing the coveted, "male privelege" but I think that I appreciate the less-talked about, "female privelege" a whole lot more. It's just more appealing to me, really.

When people ask me why I wanted to be a girl in the first place, I used to tell them that I wasn't sure. Then I started saying that I always kind of felt that way, but just didn't realize it until later. I've also told some of my closer friends when I was younger that it was just that I liked girls so much that I simply wanted to be one, but that got weird because they thought that that would mean that I liked boys, which I don't really think I do, but I'm not ruling out the possibility.

But, no. I have reasons. I have more than I could ever write down. It's just... I think that if I were to live my life as a girl, or at least seen as a girl, everything would be a whole lot more worthwhile. Every moment, every experience, would just be improved. The friends I've made, the things I've learned, the accomplishments I've achieved... it would've all just been better if I had done it as a girl, and if people perceived me as I really felt.

But again, what would I be losing? Most of my friends already know these things about me, (to some extent) and probably wouldn't be friends with me anymore if they had a problem with it, so I wouldn't be losing them. And my family? They all seem to support me. At least, nobody considers me dead to them, and I've pretty sure that at least 80% of my closest family members know.

So then... what? Anything about myself? Anything that inherently makes me, well... me? I somehow doubt it. So much of what I do is in a desperate effort of appear more feminine anyway, so being a girl would just make doing that a helluva lot easier anyway. The inside parts of me would still be me. My thoughts, my personality, whatever. Some may claim that hormones and all that jazz could change that, but that's not something that I'm all that worried about.

People in the transgender community say that gender is in your head, and your sex is inbetween your legs. Seeing as I've done just about nothing as far as physical transition goes, I can't claim to be any sort of transexual, but I suppose that I really am transgendered, if that's what it means. No, I don't feel like I'm a girl trapped in some boy's body, because as

zabieru put it, "Some guy must really be missing his body."

No, this body is mine. It's just... broken, or something. I've covered this before, but if people who are underweight, overweight, green-eyed, red-haired, have big noses or whatever learn to accept themselves for who they are, why can't I? How am I different from some lady who just wants to get a boob job? People perceive you based on how you appear, right? So if you're blonde, someone might treat you differently than someone who is a brunette. How is your sex any different?

Sex is just bigger, I guess. A whole lot more goes into what people think of you based on your sex alone than what they assume about you from knowing what color your eyes are, or how much your ears stick out or something. Apperance is everything, right?

But there's somethings you just can't do as a boy, than you could if you were a girl. And vice-versa. There's doors you can't open, and experiences you may never experience. I'd trade this life for the new one that I want any day, and am still trying.

So, I guess that's what I'd be losing, really. Well, in a sense. I'd be losing this life, and trading it in for a new one. The ultimate escapist act. Except that I totally wouldn't be losing this one, because everything, (and everyone) would still be here. While I used to wish that everything around me would've changed, too, it won't. People who've known me will still remember that I at least used to be a boy, and will remember the things about me that they knew before I'd changed.

I do a lot of running away. Emotionally, mentally, and even physicially a few times. I tend to be evasive and like the ideas of redemption and starting a clean slate. Maybe that's part why I want to change my life in such a drastic way, but that's really only just part of it, albeit a very big part.

When I'm a girl, I'll still be me. In some ways, I'm a girl now. Ask any of my closet friends, they'll fend for me, maybe. It's really mostly because I try, and sometimes too hard, but I do it because I have to in order to be who I really am. I'm not a girl trapped in a boy's body. Nor am I a boy who wants to be a girl. I'm me, or Anthony, or Sesari, or whatever name I decide to go by down the line. That's what it comes down to.

I'm just another messed up teen who wants a serious makeover.

I guess that's all that it really comes down to.

Bend me, break me
Anyway you need me
All I want is you
Bend me, break me
Breaking down is easy
All I want is you...

Cross-Posted into

simplepennies, my personal livejournal, and

transyouth