trans | A Letter from a Significant other

I found this letter on one of my other groups. I have many mixed feelings about the letter mostly because of the confusion on the part of the author what aggrevates me is that there is so much judging. With a little research and compassion and understanding so much could be diffrent.

But at the same time if she had turned this into constructive critisism it could have help this TS a great deal unstead of making more of guilt feelings

Sorry rant off please post your opinions

If You're Going to Be a Female, Please Don't Be an Airhead

by E. Fenton.

(Originally published in the Rainbow Newsletter of the Rainbow Gender
Association.)
It's been nine months since my husband revealed he was a transvestite,
and I'm fed up. Not with the fact that he likes to wear women's
clothing; that's still a shock, but I'm coming to terms with it. No,
what's riling me is, shall we say, a certain underlying attitude that
he (and some of the other would-be gals I've met) seem to have about
what it means to be a woman. The last straw came tonight, when I found
him curled up on the couch reading Cosmopolitan. The requisite blond
bimbo graced the cover, wearing a red leather bra, a drugged
expression, and not much else. This issue had insightful articles like
"Confessions of Three Gigolos" and "The Lowdown on the Topless-Bar
Scene." My favorite piece, however, was "The Bear Truth: Life from
Fuzzy Wuzzy's Point of View." It was (I am not making this up) a
spread consisting of photos of an oh-so-cute little bear cub and his
lovable parents. Enough already!

If I sound somewhat bilious, it's because I am. Let me calm down a bit
and explain why I'm writing this. I'm 39 years old, and about two
decades ago I made a decision to reject some of the feminine frippery
that I found--to dust off a phrase from the Sixties--demeaning to
women. I'm talking about makeup, unnaturally curly hair, nails long
enough to impair dexterity, shoes two sizes too small, starving
oneself thin, and so on. (What twisted piece of karma gave me a
husband who wears high heels is beyond me, but I can't help but see
the humor in it.) I'm not saying I'm anything other than a product of
my times, but the point is that I came to believe that while clothes
make the man, they sure as heck don't make the woman. It really upsets
me to see someone I love actively embracing the very aspects of
femininity that I find trivial and silly, while at the same time
making statements about "getting in touch with his female nature."
Granted, I don't expect to find my husband poring over The Second
Sex--but I'd be happy if he (and some of the rest of you ladies) would
give a little more thought about what it means to be a member of the
weaker sex (as they used to call it).

Now, I understand that to realize your fantasy, you have to put on
lots of makeup, do your nails and hair, wear a dress, adopt
exaggerated mannerisms, and so on. That's fine. But please don't tell
me that doing so transforms you into a more feminine being. If you're
going to say that (and perhaps not all of you do), then show me some
evidence. Show me some compassion, some communications skills, a
heightened sense of aesthetics, some emotional adroitness--something!
If you can't, please don't claim to have crossed any gender
boundaries; you're just a guy in a dress. And, for God's sake, if you
must emulate a woman, don't be a bimbo. Don't read Cosmo and prattle
on at length about nail polish and stockings. If you do, please don't
do it around me. I have other things to think about. Don't talk to me
about the Imperial Court and then--as my husband made the grave
mistake of doing--tell me my work for woman's rights is pointless.

I'm sorry to sound so hard-hearted. Perhaps I should show a little
more compassion myself. But I'm writing this partly as an exercise in
catharsis. Sometimes it's easier for me to write something down than
to say it out loud. More importantly, though, I hope I can at least
begin to express some of the frustrations many of your wives or
girlfriends might be experiencing. I can only speak for myself, of
course, but I have talked to a number of partners of transvestite men,
and several of them have mentioned the same annoyance at men thinking
they can enter "our turf." It's not that easy to articulate, but I
feel you're mocking my gender by focusing your attention on aspects of
appearance and manner that [some] men find attractive and [some] women
find offensive. If your wife or girlfriend seems angry at you
sometimes, perhaps this is part of the reason. Maybe you should talk
to her about it.

I hope that this article does more than allow me to vent my spleen. I
hope it can help couples start talking about at least some of the
issues (and there are many) that are bothering transvestites'
significant others. Perhaps it will initiate some discussions that
will help some of us understand why you do what you do. I know that
many S.O.'s, for one reason or another, don't attend discussion
sessions or support groups, or even talk about these issues with close
friends. It must be very hard for these women, and it's up to you to
try and dispel some of their frustration, anger, and feelings of
helplessness.

Here's a request. Perhaps some of you could write to JamieF@zoom.com,
giving your opinions on "what it means to be a woman." I, for one,
would be interested in what you think, and I bet a lot of other women
would be too. Thank you for reading my tirade. I feel better already.

-- The Belittled Woman