trans | (no subject)

I don't mean to waste space or anybodies time here... And please forgive me for being so presumptuous... I wrote this on the fly just trying to get something out in the open. But I could really use some advice. And thank you all with all of your help on my last entry. It helped more than you can imagine! (Or maybe you can...?)

Everytime I try to sort my thoughts out by writing them down I just lose my train of thought. It's quite disconcerting. I lose the thought into my subconcious... It seems like I'm fighting within myself for control over my body... My two "selves" want out and the mask is winning - or at least jostles me enough to keep me confused..? When I don't want to think about this whole situation I find that I can't stop thinking about it. I could hardly concentrate enough to get my East of Eden notes done. Then when I set aside time to sort it all out I find I can hardly bring up two sentences worth of valid thought!

One minute I don't want anything to do with this and the next I can't help but to feel that there's nothing else I can do. I think 6 years of silent conflict is surfacing and reenacting itself. I'm remembering things from my childhood(what childhood?! I don't even remember having one... just doing homework the whole time. But I guess my childhood ended around 9 or 10.) that I guess I blocked out. Well, I must have since they are not the kind of things I could remember and live a normal life. Or could I?

Is what I am going through normal? Is it just a byproduct of adolescence or puberty? Perchance I am just going through some cockamamie phase? Perhaps. If it is just a phase then why and how is it that I've felt this way for so long? And if it isn't a phase and I'm not crazy and this is something real... what then? What does that mean? I don't recall a time when I've felt so stressed/nervous/scared in my life. Come to think of it, I can't recall a time when I was sufficiently scared or nervous. That's odd. Maybe I'm blocking that out as well?

I can see what they mean when I hear people say that they would live a normal life if they could rather than be gay or tg or whatever...

When I'm amoung other people it's like there are two different "me"'s. One is the normal somewhat conceited and condesending me whom I don't seem to really have much control over. Then the other self. Who comes out when I am alone, and no one can hurt me. Each of them bearly aware of the others existance. And the first is something like a defense that comes up automatically that I can't seem to control really. I'm pretty sure I can. Just difficult... and *merf* ...

All of this just seems too foreign. Unfamiliar... And the Solaris soundtrack is perfect music to it o.0'

Then I find someone else who wrote this very length autobiography of themselves (is there any other way?) that could easily be mistaken for a retelling of my life! And I mean right down to the constant switching of schools and the incident with the knife and their mother... If that's not unsettling I don't know what is. Oh and they also had that obsession with Bambi which could not have paralleled with me any closer.

I wrote her an email and she replied... the advice she gave me seems quite... well, it seems very good. But frightening as well. Since I can bearly identify the feelings and even if I can how can I erradicate such doubt and uncertanty?

Deep down I feel this is couldn't be any more right (haha, you get the point). But everything I've been taught sternly goes against this. I'm reminded of a quote from "The Giver" by Lowis Lowry: "Forget everything you know, they know nothing." *merf* It was a short book I read in eighth grade.

I'm really quite bothered by this... I'm sort of glad that this is happening on spring break...

Thanks for reading and I hope you made sense of it,
Jituka Tapa (confused person in Kiswahili)