trans | he wants to be a biseinen

I'm still going into depression.

I thought about joining some forums like

ftm or other ones that I know of off of LJ, but I don't feel like that would help. After all, the forum that I'm thinking of off of LJ was something that caused me to disidentify as FTM, because it was so full of flamewars and nastiness...

I think I may have been triggered by listening to other people's stories. I want to have been born male. I don't want to be transsexual. I don't even know if I am transsexual or just transgendered, because some people say that if you transition you're transsexual by default.

There was someone I was thinking about writing to who doesn't even identify as transsexual, but then I realized from reading his writing that he doesn't know what transgender means, he doesn't know what it's like to be in between genders. It's outside of his experience.

And my dream is to be a beautiful man, but I realize that testosterone won't necessarily make me into a beautiful man, and if it does, then that won't last forever...it'll make me look male, and male is what I feel myself to be on the inside, but I don't know if I want to take that step, because I don't want to risk what beauty I have.

And then there's the binding and the shots and the cost...*sigh* I don't want to be transsexual, I want to be male. And nothing's going to give me that, so in lieu of being physically intergendered I've accepted being female.

But maybe my breasts would shrink down and I wouldn't have to bind, and maybe I would turn out handsome, with the deep, rich voice I've always wanted. And maybe being transsexual isn't so bad, and I wouldn't care enough to hide it in the bathroom or the locker room.

Do you think that could happen? Maybe I've been thinking too negatively...