ext_270476 (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
freeme81.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trans2004-08-16 12:59 am
freeme81.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2004-08-16 12:59 am
The Fuck Up Rides Again
Ok.
So I feel bad now. I went off on a friend of mine. In an earlier post I said I'd never been on a real date and I stand by that. I've been on a date. With this particular friend...about 4 years ago, when I was still identifying as male. But I don't consider that a REAL date. She got upset about that fact.
I don't consider it a real date, not because of anything about her, but because of ME. When we went on that date, I wasn't presenting ME. I was presenting who I thought I needed to be to be accepted rather than happy.
The truth of the matter is, this girl would NEVER have gone out with me had she known the truth. But at the same time, when we went out, I wasn't even willing or able to acknowledge the truth.
The first 23 years of my life have been...painful...to put it mildly. All of the various events and issues have left me very emotionally fragile. I have no self esteem. I am nothing to myself and because of that, I am quite frequently, nothing to other people. -- My hope has been that maybe by being true to my feelings about my gender I'd be able to capture some sense of self-love, worth or understanding. -- What I've really found is that my life is just as difficult and sad as it was before my transition.
I still have all of the varied emotionally problems that I had before and I seriously doubt that the pain will ever go away. All I can do is hope and pray that I can make it to the next day without taking a knife to my throat.
And IF that day comes, I pray that everyone I've ever cared about in my life can forgive me for being so weak and selfish. It's just getting to be a little too much for this fat freakish fuck up to handle.
Amen
So I feel bad now. I went off on a friend of mine. In an earlier post I said I'd never been on a real date and I stand by that. I've been on a date. With this particular friend...about 4 years ago, when I was still identifying as male. But I don't consider that a REAL date. She got upset about that fact.
I don't consider it a real date, not because of anything about her, but because of ME. When we went on that date, I wasn't presenting ME. I was presenting who I thought I needed to be to be accepted rather than happy.
The truth of the matter is, this girl would NEVER have gone out with me had she known the truth. But at the same time, when we went out, I wasn't even willing or able to acknowledge the truth.
The first 23 years of my life have been...painful...to put it mildly. All of the various events and issues have left me very emotionally fragile. I have no self esteem. I am nothing to myself and because of that, I am quite frequently, nothing to other people. -- My hope has been that maybe by being true to my feelings about my gender I'd be able to capture some sense of self-love, worth or understanding. -- What I've really found is that my life is just as difficult and sad as it was before my transition.
I still have all of the varied emotionally problems that I had before and I seriously doubt that the pain will ever go away. All I can do is hope and pray that I can make it to the next day without taking a knife to my throat.
And IF that day comes, I pray that everyone I've ever cared about in my life can forgive me for being so weak and selfish. It's just getting to be a little too much for this fat freakish fuck up to handle.
Amen