trans | A New Introduction

I've just joined this community after having done a search for those with "transgender" listed as an interest. Recently I've discussed my gender identity with more people than usual (namely my sister), and although people seem supportive the more I talk about it the more depressed I seem to get. I am something of a cold fish, so I'm not often placed in situations where I am forced to reckon with my gender identity vs. my gender appearance.

I'm something of a pained realist. Unfortunately I have some really bad genetics going for me. I have thinning up top well beyond my years, and can grow a beard in 7 days, have broad shoulders, and otherwise very manly features. I'd rather appear to be an attractive guy than an abomination, and of course like an 'abomination' is exactly how I feel when I have to think about these things. I save myself the pain, and massive quantities of work involved in attempting to actualize an appearance that just isn't going to realized. I suppose the banality involved with physical transformation is something I fear. I normally consider myself a fairly liberated spirit; but then I'm not normally thinking about whether I appear to be male or female. I just am.

So what am I babbling about? I suppose I'm posting in this community looking for a support group. It's painful to know that my physical appearance will never match the appearance in my mind's eye. I'm not sure if other people here can relate, but in spite of the fact that I do not 'dress the part' I have a very clear picture in my mind of my 'true self.' If I were a better artist I could draw her. If it were possible to see her as another person I could easily pick her out in a crowd. I feel misunderstood by more or less everyone, and I wonder if perhaps to be transgender and comfortable is to be cold and alone.

I am attracted to women, but I'm not above admitting that Matt Daemon and Seth Green are cute. I see myself partnered with another women -- perhaps this is just biology talking. Many want manly men, which clearly I'm not, and I'm not quite sure I have the social fortitude to wade through all the negativity our (and most other) cultures have to offer in order to find a significant other who is supportive of me. Romance is not the most important thing in life however, it is part of it.

Sooo... what's this community about? I just needed to vent a bit in a place where hopefully people can relate.