ext_130385 (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
parallelport.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trans2005-02-25 12:14 pm
parallelport.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2005-02-25 12:14 pm
Issues with an identity/lack of identity
Cross-posted to my personal journal.
The following post contains some rather personal information, but if any of you who read it are able to sympathise in some way and offer any ideas, I'd appreciate it.
I always thought it was unrealistic to have known you were gay from a very young age, because I can't imagine coming to terms with one's own sexual attractions before puberty. This isn't to say that children are asexual beings, enough research has been done to establish that prepubescent sexuality does exist, although the exact nature of it hasn't really been analysed... of course, if any of you know of any decent resources on this subject, I'd be grateful if you were to point me to them. In any case, this isn't particularly relevant, because it's a given that thinking children are sexual beings means you're a pervert or a molester or a monster or something equally disgusting and frightening. In any case, I personally had no concept of sexual attraction until I was about 14, after puberty hit and when it actually became evident in reality. And because I don't really have a particular sexual orientation, I don't know what it's like to have one, and if other people really do have them maybe it is something you can be aware of before puberty. And, this isn't to say that the two are closely related, but the same probably applies to having a particular (definitely male or definitely female) gender identity, which I do not. Nothing will keep me from asserting that this does not mean I am confused and will come to terms with it later in life, because what if I don't? And it's not a bad thing, from my point of view.
I've been suspecting that I was born intersexed and possibly surgically "corrected" shortly after birth (I was assigned female), mostly out of wishful thinking that it will sort of "validate" my lack of a binary/female gender identity if I find out I wasn't truly made to be female. That's such a terrible idea (biology is destiny and all that), but I can't help but be at least a little influenced by it in practically everyone else. In any case, I have two biological signs pointing to it. Firstly, my extremely sporadic menstrual cycles, and the fact that I very rarely get my period, and secondly, the fact that I have no sensation in my clitoris, which might point to a possibility that it was originally larger than normal and had been surgically reduced. I don't know much about how common this practice was in England at the time I was born, and I'm afraid to do any more research because the facts might deny the possibility that I kind of want to be truth. I've heard it's a lot more common than we are supposed to think it is, and it's possible for a female who gets regular periods and is even capable of having children to be intersexed genetically or in some way. Still, it shouldn't matter to me if I want to get away from the "biology is destiny/sex equals gender" idea.
I could say that I knew I was transgendered from a very young age, but that would be stretching the truth. It is true that I never liked being referred to specifically as a girl or female being and took joy in exhibiting traits and habits that had been socially designated as "masculine", and when I first (at 14... cursed old-fashioned eloquent boyfriends) was told I was "feminine" as an intended compliment, I was extremely offended. I also knew quite a bit about what it meant, mostly from reading Venus Envy, and at one point I even thought "Am I transgendered? ...nah." I had not come across the idea of the genderqueer identity, which is one I now see every day on the internet. I don't particularly like it when it particularly means "androgynous" or "genderless" because I actually started internally identifying as androgynous before I had heard the word "genderqueer." To me, it means something anyone can be regardless of their fundamental gender identity, and covers anyone from those who are cisgendered and gender-variant to trans people.
When I started developing breasts, I remember having fantasies about cutting them off. I'm not sure if that meant anything in relation to this hatred I now have of my breasts, because I had quite a few disturbing fantasies as a child, such as ones about getting cut up in a blender (but not dying). I could probably have been (and was) branded as mentally disturbed, but not in any of the ordinary adolescent ways.
Last night I dreamed that I was lying in bed next to some bloke and whimpering "I'm not real, I'm not real." I doubt that means anything either.
Now, I identify as transgendered, but that's the only term I will use. I don't think it's a really big deal that needs to be emphasised with very specific words, cool as they may sound. Only after I took on the identity did I start noticing a physical dysphoria that became intensely elevated depending on my hormonal levels or situation and ended up resulting in uncontrollable crying and complete loss of focus on my Calculus exam (which I ended up failing; normally it's a subject where I get near-perfect test grades). I expect it to be extremely difficult for me to get to a point where I'm comfortable enough to have sex if from now on the possibility comes up, because I get anxious about attention being drawn towards my body, and I have discovered that experiencing pleasure from vaginal penetration severely disturbs me to the point of tears, although this only started happening relatively recently and isn't consistent.
Addendum: I'm looking for some new LJ friends. I'm in high school and from the Northeast US, and don't write about extremely personal stuff very often, though it does come up (but is always filtered, so let me know if you're uncomfortable reading it). So if you'd like, add me and I'll almost certainly add you back.
The following post contains some rather personal information, but if any of you who read it are able to sympathise in some way and offer any ideas, I'd appreciate it.
I always thought it was unrealistic to have known you were gay from a very young age, because I can't imagine coming to terms with one's own sexual attractions before puberty. This isn't to say that children are asexual beings, enough research has been done to establish that prepubescent sexuality does exist, although the exact nature of it hasn't really been analysed... of course, if any of you know of any decent resources on this subject, I'd be grateful if you were to point me to them. In any case, this isn't particularly relevant, because it's a given that thinking children are sexual beings means you're a pervert or a molester or a monster or something equally disgusting and frightening. In any case, I personally had no concept of sexual attraction until I was about 14, after puberty hit and when it actually became evident in reality. And because I don't really have a particular sexual orientation, I don't know what it's like to have one, and if other people really do have them maybe it is something you can be aware of before puberty. And, this isn't to say that the two are closely related, but the same probably applies to having a particular (definitely male or definitely female) gender identity, which I do not. Nothing will keep me from asserting that this does not mean I am confused and will come to terms with it later in life, because what if I don't? And it's not a bad thing, from my point of view.
I've been suspecting that I was born intersexed and possibly surgically "corrected" shortly after birth (I was assigned female), mostly out of wishful thinking that it will sort of "validate" my lack of a binary/female gender identity if I find out I wasn't truly made to be female. That's such a terrible idea (biology is destiny and all that), but I can't help but be at least a little influenced by it in practically everyone else. In any case, I have two biological signs pointing to it. Firstly, my extremely sporadic menstrual cycles, and the fact that I very rarely get my period, and secondly, the fact that I have no sensation in my clitoris, which might point to a possibility that it was originally larger than normal and had been surgically reduced. I don't know much about how common this practice was in England at the time I was born, and I'm afraid to do any more research because the facts might deny the possibility that I kind of want to be truth. I've heard it's a lot more common than we are supposed to think it is, and it's possible for a female who gets regular periods and is even capable of having children to be intersexed genetically or in some way. Still, it shouldn't matter to me if I want to get away from the "biology is destiny/sex equals gender" idea.
I could say that I knew I was transgendered from a very young age, but that would be stretching the truth. It is true that I never liked being referred to specifically as a girl or female being and took joy in exhibiting traits and habits that had been socially designated as "masculine", and when I first (at 14... cursed old-fashioned eloquent boyfriends) was told I was "feminine" as an intended compliment, I was extremely offended. I also knew quite a bit about what it meant, mostly from reading Venus Envy, and at one point I even thought "Am I transgendered? ...nah." I had not come across the idea of the genderqueer identity, which is one I now see every day on the internet. I don't particularly like it when it particularly means "androgynous" or "genderless" because I actually started internally identifying as androgynous before I had heard the word "genderqueer." To me, it means something anyone can be regardless of their fundamental gender identity, and covers anyone from those who are cisgendered and gender-variant to trans people.
When I started developing breasts, I remember having fantasies about cutting them off. I'm not sure if that meant anything in relation to this hatred I now have of my breasts, because I had quite a few disturbing fantasies as a child, such as ones about getting cut up in a blender (but not dying). I could probably have been (and was) branded as mentally disturbed, but not in any of the ordinary adolescent ways.
Last night I dreamed that I was lying in bed next to some bloke and whimpering "I'm not real, I'm not real." I doubt that means anything either.
Now, I identify as transgendered, but that's the only term I will use. I don't think it's a really big deal that needs to be emphasised with very specific words, cool as they may sound. Only after I took on the identity did I start noticing a physical dysphoria that became intensely elevated depending on my hormonal levels or situation and ended up resulting in uncontrollable crying and complete loss of focus on my Calculus exam (which I ended up failing; normally it's a subject where I get near-perfect test grades). I expect it to be extremely difficult for me to get to a point where I'm comfortable enough to have sex if from now on the possibility comes up, because I get anxious about attention being drawn towards my body, and I have discovered that experiencing pleasure from vaginal penetration severely disturbs me to the point of tears, although this only started happening relatively recently and isn't consistent.
Addendum: I'm looking for some new LJ friends. I'm in high school and from the Northeast US, and don't write about extremely personal stuff very often, though it does come up (but is always filtered, so let me know if you're uncomfortable reading it). So if you'd like, add me and I'll almost certainly add you back.