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stacis-leak.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trans2005-03-11 03:51 am
stacis-leak.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2005-03-11 03:51 am
Hello World
Not really sure how much to say in this post...
Basically two days ago I realised one of the answers to a 23 year long identity crisis. I don't have all the answers yet but recognising a large degree of cognitive dissonance regarding my gender is one of them.
I'll my life I've been repressing the urge to act in a more feminine way. Even as a child I used to want to play the games the other girls were playing. But I've never been confident enough to make a stand for individuality.
I remember reading a true story once about a child who'se gender was hard to define at birth, so she was raised as a boy, and at 14 puberty came along and proved everyone wrong. I was 14 when I read it.
I remember wishing that would happen to me.
But you see I was raised on Monty Python. To me the concept of men dressing as women was simply a point of ridicule. It was hammered into me at a very early age that guys acting girly was simply fucking hilarious.
I know most people who have gender inconsistancies probably came under fire from thier peers and such but the way I was raised, all my urges and desires came under fire from ME. I thought I was being rediculous. I still think I am in many ways.
I college I had the biggest crush on this guy I knew. He was my best friend through all of college. We used to jokingly flirt and acti girly with eachother all the time. Nearing the end of my college time I asked if he wanted to go for it for real. Offered him a blowjob actually.
Hewasn't interested and we drifted apart very quickly.
If we'd gotten it on that night I probably would have realised... but we didn't.
In my first year of university I lived next door to the vice president of the Leicester Univsersity Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender association.
He was the first person who I told I was bisexual.
He was the first guy who I'd hugged to fel better when I was crying over a girl I liked.
He knew. I know he knew because once a bra was left in the laundry room (we were in an all male block) and he handed it to me and said I'd get more use out of it than him. I tried it on in the privacy of my own room and was devastated that it didn't fit.
If I'd had one more year living next door to him, I probably would have realised... but I didn't.
But that was not to be and the next year I lived a single paper thin wall away from my girlfriend. I used to have lovely long hair and for a joke, she suggested I put some of her makeup on. She lovingly daubed me with everything in her kit. One check in the mirror confirmed it. I was hot.
I put on a female voice and basically femmed it up 100%, flirting with her coyly. She actually backed away and refused to look at me until I washed it off.
If we'd gotten frisky that night, I probably would have realised... But we didn't.
In fact we never had sex, over a 3 year relationship... which will be a relevant point soon.
The next year I lived one paper thin wall away from my best friend. He started dating a girl in the same building and one night when we were all a little crazy, we started swapping stories and she said she used to have recurring dreams where she was a boy. I revealed to her that I used to have similar dreams about being a girl. If I hadn't been in that black hole of a sex-free-vanilla-to-the-point-of-platonic relationship I'd have asked her out.
She seemd the sort of person who would'nt have minded a bit of gender play in private.
If we'd hit it off, I probably would have realised... but we didn't.
Throughout my university time, peer pressure has made me sever my beautiful long locks three times.
The last time it was long I was dating a girl from just out of town. She was older than me and so confident. It felt good to not be the dominant one in the relationship. When we had showers, we brushed and dried each other's hair. It felt nice to be pampered like that, and also to have much longer hair than my own on hand to play with.
I wish we could have stayed like that forever.
If we had, I probably would have realised... But we didn't.
Just before that, I moved here, where I live and work with my colleagues.
To list them they are:
Unsympathetic Northerner
Uses phrases usch as "Queer as a bottle of crisps". Reminds me a lot of my fathers sexual politics. Interestingly we're trained to be tolerant of all sexualities and cultures, training which is updated every year. He's been here five years and still hates gay people. Well done.
Strict Cathloic girl
She already thinks I'm a fucking heathen and ignores my opinions. Once I mentioned something about an item on Richard and Judy concerning sexual reassignment surgery over the dinner table and she told our boss (we all eat together, it's a wierd arrangement) to tell me to shut up because she thought it was a disgusting topic and constituted sexual harassment in the workplace. Nice.
Tarty Vacuous Career Bitch
She thinks I'm a lunatic and pervert already so fuck knows what she'd think if she knew I was considering moving over to her side of the gender divide.
The Token Politically Incorrect Conservative BNP Voter
Nuff said. Luckily he's gone now.
Mr Sarchastic.
Claims to be my friend but he's sarcastic so often that I have difficulty believing that I'm not just a big joke to him too.
The Boss
Who also goes through the same training as us and has been doing it for decades but who basically hasa rip at every culture and sexuality he thinks he can get away with.
Unsympathetic Northerner's Totally Platonic non-girlfriend
They just spend every night together and go on all holidays together and haven't been apart for 7 years. Clearly there's nothing going on. Once when I was in short hair mode, I went out in the snow and it all stuck on my hair making it look like I was sparkling with snow flakes levitating roud my head (I have very fine hair which frizzes out a bit when short). She said I looked pretty. Inside it made me feel really good when I heard that, but I didn't know why. Instead, almost in time with the everpresent Northerner I said "You can't call a bloke pretty" (See how deep the programming goes?)
If it wasn't for him, I'd probably be able to talk openly to her.
Pair of rough jocks
Well they're both heavily into sport and manly things and expect me to be. No I don't like football, you oafs!
And that's where I'm was stuck, programmed to hate myself for being wierd. The only other option open to me right now is my home, which puts me back close to my parents, whom I love, but whom have very high expectations of who I'm going to become...
My only real outlet for secrets like this is my brother... and I'm not sure he could take this.
Take what you ask?
Well... This brings us to the present. New girlfriend on the scene and a past transatlantic crush of that best friend I mentioned earlier is still in contact with me online. She had started seeing this guy who she later tells me is a female to male transsexual. Now I've always had an interest in transsexuals... I never knew why but the idea of being someone else inside, someone better than what the world thought of you, that always really appealed to me.
In college I recall once going to an event and one of the officials there ot judge our stand was apparently female but looked quite masculine in some ways. I wanted to ask if she was transsexual but I didn't know the word back then. I was going to ask if she was a cross dresser... it's probably a good thing that I didn't. Every time I see someone I think might be transgendered I want to ask, but frankly if they are my noticing would probably be terribly offensive... and if they aren't... it doesn't even bare thinking about.
Which is why I never really got a chance to ask the sorts of questions about gender identity inconsistances that bubbled awya in my head.
My girlfriend had mentioned that she loved to make friendship bracelets and they were something I remembered from my youth. They were great... I so wanted one but no one would tell me how ot make them. They were a girl thing. If you didn't have a girlfriend, you didn't get one. They were almost like trophiesto show you were a super stud. I just thought they looked nice.
But my new girlfriend still made them... I asked if she'd show me how and she said sure, when she came to see me (she lived in glasgow). I couldn't wait that long. It was almost like I'd been given permission to do smething girly. I looked for internet resources and found a girl guides website with a tutorial, and I started one.
During the making of this bracelet, that transatlantic friend came online and the conversation started.
It began about her new FtM guy. I finally had someone who I could talk to about it. I mentioned I was making a friendship bracelet and explained that I'd always wanted one when I was younger, and she seemed to pick up on that and the conversation took a smooth transition from talking about transsexualism in regards to her guy to talking about transsexualism with regards to me.
She asked if I'd considered becoming a woman and I said I'd never thought about it. All I'd ever thought about was being a girl.
And then the following happened:
Her: well, why don't you give yourself a girlhood?"
Me: Okay, how the bloody hell do I do that without seeming like a total looney?
Her: well, first of all, don't worry about seeming like a looney
Me: right.
Her: just do what you're doing. Make friendship bracelets. Try baking cookies, buy a doll, make clover chains for crowns. Develop a thing for unicorns.
And just the suggestion of all these things just triggered in my head soem chain reaction, and I thought about everything I've just written about. All the things I wanted to do but stopped myself from doing. "Just do what you're doing".
I looked down at the friendship bracelet I was making and suddnly it seemd so significant. This was what I'd been doing, or rather what I had been stopping myself from doing - all the things I wanted to do.
I was strange to think I'd even grown a beard which really didn't suit me, just to try and reinforce what people said I ought to be. Manly.
Pf. Yeah right.
The great irony is that I'd been peer pressured into having a haircut the day before this happened.
So yeah, I was a guy with al the emotional drives and thouts of a girl. It was research time.
That was two days ago and I'm seeing lots of scary words like "hormone therapy" and "surgery" being passed back and forth and it all seemed a bit much for me.
I've got enough medical problems without declaring my whole body to be a mistake. But the thought occurred that I could feminise in other ways to see how it made me feel about myself, so I decided to set aside female time and make some changes. If I was going to pull this off it meant no more haircuts, no more shaving, and no more biting of the fingernails.
I'm not actually transsexual yet. I'm still living as a male in the 'real' world 24/7, but maybe one day that won't be the case. I just don't know yet.
All I know is that I want to document this for my own good and the good of anyone who feels similar.
Oh, one last thing. The girl I talked to about all this while I was making that friendship bracelet... I said I'd send her the bracelet I'd made while we were talking and she said in return she'd send me one which looked as frilly and girly as possible, which she said I should wear at all times to remind me what I learned that night.
And when I recieve it, you know what? I probably will.
I'm 23 today, lets see how many skirts I own when I turn 24...
(cross posted to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
tguk)
Basically two days ago I realised one of the answers to a 23 year long identity crisis. I don't have all the answers yet but recognising a large degree of cognitive dissonance regarding my gender is one of them.
I'll my life I've been repressing the urge to act in a more feminine way. Even as a child I used to want to play the games the other girls were playing. But I've never been confident enough to make a stand for individuality.
I remember reading a true story once about a child who'se gender was hard to define at birth, so she was raised as a boy, and at 14 puberty came along and proved everyone wrong. I was 14 when I read it.
I remember wishing that would happen to me.
But you see I was raised on Monty Python. To me the concept of men dressing as women was simply a point of ridicule. It was hammered into me at a very early age that guys acting girly was simply fucking hilarious.
I know most people who have gender inconsistancies probably came under fire from thier peers and such but the way I was raised, all my urges and desires came under fire from ME. I thought I was being rediculous. I still think I am in many ways.
I college I had the biggest crush on this guy I knew. He was my best friend through all of college. We used to jokingly flirt and acti girly with eachother all the time. Nearing the end of my college time I asked if he wanted to go for it for real. Offered him a blowjob actually.
Hewasn't interested and we drifted apart very quickly.
If we'd gotten it on that night I probably would have realised... but we didn't.
In my first year of university I lived next door to the vice president of the Leicester Univsersity Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender association.
He was the first person who I told I was bisexual.
He was the first guy who I'd hugged to fel better when I was crying over a girl I liked.
He knew. I know he knew because once a bra was left in the laundry room (we were in an all male block) and he handed it to me and said I'd get more use out of it than him. I tried it on in the privacy of my own room and was devastated that it didn't fit.
If I'd had one more year living next door to him, I probably would have realised... but I didn't.
But that was not to be and the next year I lived a single paper thin wall away from my girlfriend. I used to have lovely long hair and for a joke, she suggested I put some of her makeup on. She lovingly daubed me with everything in her kit. One check in the mirror confirmed it. I was hot.
I put on a female voice and basically femmed it up 100%, flirting with her coyly. She actually backed away and refused to look at me until I washed it off.
If we'd gotten frisky that night, I probably would have realised... But we didn't.
In fact we never had sex, over a 3 year relationship... which will be a relevant point soon.
The next year I lived one paper thin wall away from my best friend. He started dating a girl in the same building and one night when we were all a little crazy, we started swapping stories and she said she used to have recurring dreams where she was a boy. I revealed to her that I used to have similar dreams about being a girl. If I hadn't been in that black hole of a sex-free-vanilla-to-the-point-of-platonic relationship I'd have asked her out.
She seemd the sort of person who would'nt have minded a bit of gender play in private.
If we'd hit it off, I probably would have realised... but we didn't.
Throughout my university time, peer pressure has made me sever my beautiful long locks three times.
The last time it was long I was dating a girl from just out of town. She was older than me and so confident. It felt good to not be the dominant one in the relationship. When we had showers, we brushed and dried each other's hair. It felt nice to be pampered like that, and also to have much longer hair than my own on hand to play with.
I wish we could have stayed like that forever.
If we had, I probably would have realised... But we didn't.
Just before that, I moved here, where I live and work with my colleagues.
To list them they are:
Unsympathetic Northerner
Uses phrases usch as "Queer as a bottle of crisps". Reminds me a lot of my fathers sexual politics. Interestingly we're trained to be tolerant of all sexualities and cultures, training which is updated every year. He's been here five years and still hates gay people. Well done.
Strict Cathloic girl
She already thinks I'm a fucking heathen and ignores my opinions. Once I mentioned something about an item on Richard and Judy concerning sexual reassignment surgery over the dinner table and she told our boss (we all eat together, it's a wierd arrangement) to tell me to shut up because she thought it was a disgusting topic and constituted sexual harassment in the workplace. Nice.
Tarty Vacuous Career Bitch
She thinks I'm a lunatic and pervert already so fuck knows what she'd think if she knew I was considering moving over to her side of the gender divide.
The Token Politically Incorrect Conservative BNP Voter
Nuff said. Luckily he's gone now.
Mr Sarchastic.
Claims to be my friend but he's sarcastic so often that I have difficulty believing that I'm not just a big joke to him too.
The Boss
Who also goes through the same training as us and has been doing it for decades but who basically hasa rip at every culture and sexuality he thinks he can get away with.
Unsympathetic Northerner's Totally Platonic non-girlfriend
They just spend every night together and go on all holidays together and haven't been apart for 7 years. Clearly there's nothing going on. Once when I was in short hair mode, I went out in the snow and it all stuck on my hair making it look like I was sparkling with snow flakes levitating roud my head (I have very fine hair which frizzes out a bit when short). She said I looked pretty. Inside it made me feel really good when I heard that, but I didn't know why. Instead, almost in time with the everpresent Northerner I said "You can't call a bloke pretty" (See how deep the programming goes?)
If it wasn't for him, I'd probably be able to talk openly to her.
Pair of rough jocks
Well they're both heavily into sport and manly things and expect me to be. No I don't like football, you oafs!
And that's where I'm was stuck, programmed to hate myself for being wierd. The only other option open to me right now is my home, which puts me back close to my parents, whom I love, but whom have very high expectations of who I'm going to become...
My only real outlet for secrets like this is my brother... and I'm not sure he could take this.
Take what you ask?
Well... This brings us to the present. New girlfriend on the scene and a past transatlantic crush of that best friend I mentioned earlier is still in contact with me online. She had started seeing this guy who she later tells me is a female to male transsexual. Now I've always had an interest in transsexuals... I never knew why but the idea of being someone else inside, someone better than what the world thought of you, that always really appealed to me.
In college I recall once going to an event and one of the officials there ot judge our stand was apparently female but looked quite masculine in some ways. I wanted to ask if she was transsexual but I didn't know the word back then. I was going to ask if she was a cross dresser... it's probably a good thing that I didn't. Every time I see someone I think might be transgendered I want to ask, but frankly if they are my noticing would probably be terribly offensive... and if they aren't... it doesn't even bare thinking about.
Which is why I never really got a chance to ask the sorts of questions about gender identity inconsistances that bubbled awya in my head.
My girlfriend had mentioned that she loved to make friendship bracelets and they were something I remembered from my youth. They were great... I so wanted one but no one would tell me how ot make them. They were a girl thing. If you didn't have a girlfriend, you didn't get one. They were almost like trophiesto show you were a super stud. I just thought they looked nice.
But my new girlfriend still made them... I asked if she'd show me how and she said sure, when she came to see me (she lived in glasgow). I couldn't wait that long. It was almost like I'd been given permission to do smething girly. I looked for internet resources and found a girl guides website with a tutorial, and I started one.
During the making of this bracelet, that transatlantic friend came online and the conversation started.
It began about her new FtM guy. I finally had someone who I could talk to about it. I mentioned I was making a friendship bracelet and explained that I'd always wanted one when I was younger, and she seemed to pick up on that and the conversation took a smooth transition from talking about transsexualism in regards to her guy to talking about transsexualism with regards to me.
She asked if I'd considered becoming a woman and I said I'd never thought about it. All I'd ever thought about was being a girl.
And then the following happened:
Her: well, why don't you give yourself a girlhood?"
Me: Okay, how the bloody hell do I do that without seeming like a total looney?
Her: well, first of all, don't worry about seeming like a looney
Me: right.
Her: just do what you're doing. Make friendship bracelets. Try baking cookies, buy a doll, make clover chains for crowns. Develop a thing for unicorns.
And just the suggestion of all these things just triggered in my head soem chain reaction, and I thought about everything I've just written about. All the things I wanted to do but stopped myself from doing. "Just do what you're doing".
I looked down at the friendship bracelet I was making and suddnly it seemd so significant. This was what I'd been doing, or rather what I had been stopping myself from doing - all the things I wanted to do.
I was strange to think I'd even grown a beard which really didn't suit me, just to try and reinforce what people said I ought to be. Manly.
Pf. Yeah right.
The great irony is that I'd been peer pressured into having a haircut the day before this happened.
So yeah, I was a guy with al the emotional drives and thouts of a girl. It was research time.
That was two days ago and I'm seeing lots of scary words like "hormone therapy" and "surgery" being passed back and forth and it all seemed a bit much for me.
I've got enough medical problems without declaring my whole body to be a mistake. But the thought occurred that I could feminise in other ways to see how it made me feel about myself, so I decided to set aside female time and make some changes. If I was going to pull this off it meant no more haircuts, no more shaving, and no more biting of the fingernails.
I'm not actually transsexual yet. I'm still living as a male in the 'real' world 24/7, but maybe one day that won't be the case. I just don't know yet.
All I know is that I want to document this for my own good and the good of anyone who feels similar.
Oh, one last thing. The girl I talked to about all this while I was making that friendship bracelet... I said I'd send her the bracelet I'd made while we were talking and she said in return she'd send me one which looked as frilly and girly as possible, which she said I should wear at all times to remind me what I learned that night.
And when I recieve it, you know what? I probably will.
I'm 23 today, lets see how many skirts I own when I turn 24...
(cross posted to
tguk)