trans | (no subject)

Help!! How can I deal with this without transitioning? I don't want to lose it all!!!

I have the family the kids and the life I always wanted and I just want this to go away. This curse is horrible and I can't understand why it keeps beating on my thoughts. I just want it gone.

Someone please tell me there is a way, something I can do besides this.

I hate that I actually consider losing it all over quitting hormones and burying this. I hate that I actually hesitate over which choice is the best. All my life I have wanted a family, I have wanted this life, I have also wanted to be a girl. Why can't I just let go of the one I don't have and settle with the ones I have.

Why do I have so much trouble putting my family before me? Why does this fight with myself seem like I am ridicuously selfish and uncaring concerning my family?

You don't really have to reply to this. I just know that all of you are about the only ones that can understand what my head is doing to me.