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girlabomination.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trans2005-04-13 10:01 pm
girlabomination.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2005-04-13 10:01 pm
In All Bluntness...
I just wrote the following letter to my sister who ... had been someone I believed I could talk to about these issues, who was safe, and understanding. I was wrong. In Feburary I recieved a letter from her, not only doubting if "Transgender Identity Disorder" really exists, but also suggestioning that I was transitioning to prove some sort of point to people. She raised other concerns as well, claiming that it is sinful to alter your body and all kinds of good stuff. I was shocked when I read it because our conversations, both in person and on the phone had been so rewarding -- I actually considered myself fortunate to have her as a person to talk to.
Now, ugh. I hate feeling all the yuck involved in writing a letter like this! I need to engage in some sort of feel good activity now to shed myself of it's filth. The words were somewhat cathartic, and ultimately truthful. I don't want 'close' relationships with people who are intolerant of me. No more masks. No more illusions. It's not healthy. Still, I feel like I was more direct there than I usually am, but I wonder if perhaps that is the only way that she'll finally get it (if at all). Siiiigh, I still can't believe what I read after all of our conversations.... I thought she was there for me... I was wrong.
As I said in my own journal "Passion blinds. Someone, please pass the yin." I'm just curious if others here have taken this route -- actively removing themselves from negative people before they decide they want nothing to do with you. I dunno, I kinda feel like if a person still wants to talk to you all the time but is intolerant of something so core to your identiy, you're giving yourself over to spiritual death.
Any thoughts?
Hi,
First and foremost, you need to realize that you've defiled my trust. I feel disappointed and hurt by the radical contrast between our convesations and the letter that was recieved. I remember on the phone you'd say thgings like "It's not like you has a choice to be this way" and in person you even had the nerve to ask me how I felt comfortable to be refer to as. Then I recieved the letter from you stating, amongst other things, that you're not even sure if transgender identity disorder is a real condition. The fact that it is in the DSM-IV should tell you something; even if it were not, do my feelings and perceptions not mean anything? The fact that I struggle with it every singly day of my life makes it real. Apparently, some people will not be satasfied until I'm a corpse and my brain can be removed for examination. For the record, at that point it's really too late. Ill be somewhere working on the next stage of existence. Did you even bother to do some research on your own before hopping on that bandwagon?
I feel like everythging I've ever said to you on the matter has gone completely unheard. It is har for me to take anything you say seriously. To say that I am going through all of this "just to make a point" is beyond invalidating. Do you think I like being a freak? Do you feel that it is enjoyable to look in the morror to see a reflection that is a bastardization of myself? And you want to know why I am transitioning "just to make a point." There is no point to be made! What I believed you understood based on our phone conversations is that this is a matter of identity. This is a matter of honesty, and acceptance of myself and to everyone I exprience in this life. LIfe is not worth living without these things, trapped within a box.
You talk about social norms and God as if the two went hand in hand. Perhpas you would like to ressurect public burnings of fags, women who can read and people who practice other religions? Afterall, these were social norms within a society that was ruled by the church. "Thy kingdom come. My will be done." Surely what our culture identifies as normal, and more so a culture ruled by the Church identifies as appropiate must be true within the eyes of God. Do you wear make up? Do you have your ears pierced? Have you ever had surgery or taken medicine? How could you? To do these things would change the body god gave you and of course that would be sinful. If your child were born with a birth defect, can you honestly tell me you wouldn't try to help him or overcome it in any way possible? Why should it be different for me?
I don't believe your "I support you as a person, but not your actions" speach for a minute. Perhaps that is what you need to tell yourself to feel like you are doing a wholesome thing. Fine. Just ton't tell it to me. You can't possibly support me as a person when you don't even know who I am. This is a question of identity and celebrating and cherishing that identity. Deny that... Deny one of the things that is at the core of who I am, and you are not supporting me. You are supporting my status as your sibling, but that is all.
I am who I am, who I am I am. That will never change. Since I have been honoring and celebrating my feminity I have been more spiritual, peaceful, and joyous than I have felt in years if not ever before. As someone who claims to support me, I'd hope that you could appreciate that, but by your words I can see that you don't. Writing this now I feel pissed off, betrayed, and quite frankly like I am wasting time, ink, and emotion.
These feelings are the reason I have opted not to make contact with you since I recieved your letter. This is a time of social slash and burn -- relationships will die and new ones will rise to take their place. This is a time of change and spiritual explosion. I need positive, supportive people in my life -- if that is not you then we need to say good bye. I don' tlike feeling this way, and I don't have the energy right now to devote to educating resistant people. There are three types of people forming in my life: Supportive, passive, and dismissive. Those who are supportive, I will cultivate relationships with. Those who are passive, I will not make any effort one way or another for. Those who are dismissive of who and what I am, I will take take conscious steps to actively avoid. Where do you see our relationship going?
That's all,
Justine
Now, ugh. I hate feeling all the yuck involved in writing a letter like this! I need to engage in some sort of feel good activity now to shed myself of it's filth. The words were somewhat cathartic, and ultimately truthful. I don't want 'close' relationships with people who are intolerant of me. No more masks. No more illusions. It's not healthy. Still, I feel like I was more direct there than I usually am, but I wonder if perhaps that is the only way that she'll finally get it (if at all). Siiiigh, I still can't believe what I read after all of our conversations.... I thought she was there for me... I was wrong.
As I said in my own journal "Passion blinds. Someone, please pass the yin." I'm just curious if others here have taken this route -- actively removing themselves from negative people before they decide they want nothing to do with you. I dunno, I kinda feel like if a person still wants to talk to you all the time but is intolerant of something so core to your identiy, you're giving yourself over to spiritual death.
Any thoughts?
Hi,
First and foremost, you need to realize that you've defiled my trust. I feel disappointed and hurt by the radical contrast between our convesations and the letter that was recieved. I remember on the phone you'd say thgings like "It's not like you has a choice to be this way" and in person you even had the nerve to ask me how I felt comfortable to be refer to as. Then I recieved the letter from you stating, amongst other things, that you're not even sure if transgender identity disorder is a real condition. The fact that it is in the DSM-IV should tell you something; even if it were not, do my feelings and perceptions not mean anything? The fact that I struggle with it every singly day of my life makes it real. Apparently, some people will not be satasfied until I'm a corpse and my brain can be removed for examination. For the record, at that point it's really too late. Ill be somewhere working on the next stage of existence. Did you even bother to do some research on your own before hopping on that bandwagon?
I feel like everythging I've ever said to you on the matter has gone completely unheard. It is har for me to take anything you say seriously. To say that I am going through all of this "just to make a point" is beyond invalidating. Do you think I like being a freak? Do you feel that it is enjoyable to look in the morror to see a reflection that is a bastardization of myself? And you want to know why I am transitioning "just to make a point." There is no point to be made! What I believed you understood based on our phone conversations is that this is a matter of identity. This is a matter of honesty, and acceptance of myself and to everyone I exprience in this life. LIfe is not worth living without these things, trapped within a box.
You talk about social norms and God as if the two went hand in hand. Perhpas you would like to ressurect public burnings of fags, women who can read and people who practice other religions? Afterall, these were social norms within a society that was ruled by the church. "Thy kingdom come. My will be done." Surely what our culture identifies as normal, and more so a culture ruled by the Church identifies as appropiate must be true within the eyes of God. Do you wear make up? Do you have your ears pierced? Have you ever had surgery or taken medicine? How could you? To do these things would change the body god gave you and of course that would be sinful. If your child were born with a birth defect, can you honestly tell me you wouldn't try to help him or overcome it in any way possible? Why should it be different for me?
I don't believe your "I support you as a person, but not your actions" speach for a minute. Perhaps that is what you need to tell yourself to feel like you are doing a wholesome thing. Fine. Just ton't tell it to me. You can't possibly support me as a person when you don't even know who I am. This is a question of identity and celebrating and cherishing that identity. Deny that... Deny one of the things that is at the core of who I am, and you are not supporting me. You are supporting my status as your sibling, but that is all.
I am who I am, who I am I am. That will never change. Since I have been honoring and celebrating my feminity I have been more spiritual, peaceful, and joyous than I have felt in years if not ever before. As someone who claims to support me, I'd hope that you could appreciate that, but by your words I can see that you don't. Writing this now I feel pissed off, betrayed, and quite frankly like I am wasting time, ink, and emotion.
These feelings are the reason I have opted not to make contact with you since I recieved your letter. This is a time of social slash and burn -- relationships will die and new ones will rise to take their place. This is a time of change and spiritual explosion. I need positive, supportive people in my life -- if that is not you then we need to say good bye. I don' tlike feeling this way, and I don't have the energy right now to devote to educating resistant people. There are three types of people forming in my life: Supportive, passive, and dismissive. Those who are supportive, I will cultivate relationships with. Those who are passive, I will not make any effort one way or another for. Those who are dismissive of who and what I am, I will take take conscious steps to actively avoid. Where do you see our relationship going?
That's all,
Justine