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jennyemily.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trans2005-05-11 08:50 am
jennyemily.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2005-05-11 08:50 am
Read or not read?
I've been getting a few problems of late, based on more my own paranoia than anything else. Actually it's the lack of response from other people that's making me get nervous. Does anybody else get the same, or got the same? Any tips for getting through this? This piece is crossposted a little. :)
I had a job interview yesterday that seemed to go really well. Actually, in some way it was a little odd. Of late I've become a little paranoid that I don't pass. I suppose this is born out of the fact that for so long I had become used to being a pre-anything mtf who must have looked odd with stubble that was so thinck it could not be hidden even with the best makeup. That's long gone, but the expectation of being read is still there, regardless of what progress I have made.
It is really odd, but I find it unnerving when people around me just act normally and don't stare, don't look me up and down particularly, and nobody hurls abuse. I think I'm paranoid that there's some conspiracy of not acknowledging that Jenny is trans because the world at large has figured that this freaks me more than if I was read all the time by everyone. Hehe! I must be going loopy!
So I get out of my car in the blazing sunshine in the middle of a busy industrial estate. There's lorries swishing by, and a burger van down the road, so there's a lot of people walking past. I wandered through them all heading purposefully towards the company I was going for a job at, and no-one does anything that mihgt suggest they've read me and are shocked about it. I go into the reception and there's a bloke arguing with the receptionist about something. She says I ought to take a seat calling me 'Madam' without batting an eyelid then goes back to the argument. Three people cruise past without staring, then the arguing man gose and I go back to the desk. I hand her my interview letter, and explain who I've come to see. I think she must have read me at this point, because my voice isn't so hot yet. She was still polite though. She tells me to sit down then calls up to the guy I'm here to see. Heh! And she still refers to me as a she on the phone with no slip ups at all. Doing fine! She glances up at me once whilst I'm waiting, but appart from that she gets on with her job just like I wasn't there. A good sign.
The guy who is interviewing me comes down and shakes my hand. He too gets all the pronoun stuff right, and treats me as a real woman, even if I still read the flash of uncertainty from his body language when I speak. A point of note here - he shook my hand. I've begun to wonder do men shake women's hands when they meet under a business situation, or would this be a sign that I'm overtly being treated male? To be honest I've never been paying attention before.
We go upstairs, into his office and we do the interview. He doesn't stare, he doesn't look too uncomfortable, and there are no awkward pauses. His body language seems to check out as I'm answering his questions. All the while I'm thinking "He was expecting a real woman called Jenny before I arrived. He must have read me by now, yet he's not showing it" At the end when he's talking about attendence records and stuff like that, I finally break and take out my consultant psychiatrist's letter that basically says I'm mtf transsexual and on treatment, so living fulltime as a woman is normal and acceptable, and hand it over explaining that I would need to take a day off every couple of months to see him for the treatment. I stressed that I could easily take it out of my holiday entitlement, or just take the day off as unpaid - it doesn't bother me. Suprisingly he was pretty cool about the letter. He read it quickly and handed it back, and said that was perfectly okay.
Now why did I feel compelled to show him the letter? I didn't have to. I could have taken those days off from holiday and never told anyone what I was doing. But inside me there is this overwelming feeling of paranoia that they must be reading me, and that more to the point mtf transsexual might not be at the top of the list of conclusions they come to. I guess I'm paranoid that they think this is an elaborate hoax, or worse; that I'm just some transvestite who gets a sexual thrill out of pretending to be a woman. That's the worries I feel. I'm thinking it's best at this stage, until I am a lot more confident, to be this open and honest at interview and therefore keep outing myself with that letter.
I had a job interview yesterday that seemed to go really well. Actually, in some way it was a little odd. Of late I've become a little paranoid that I don't pass. I suppose this is born out of the fact that for so long I had become used to being a pre-anything mtf who must have looked odd with stubble that was so thinck it could not be hidden even with the best makeup. That's long gone, but the expectation of being read is still there, regardless of what progress I have made.
It is really odd, but I find it unnerving when people around me just act normally and don't stare, don't look me up and down particularly, and nobody hurls abuse. I think I'm paranoid that there's some conspiracy of not acknowledging that Jenny is trans because the world at large has figured that this freaks me more than if I was read all the time by everyone. Hehe! I must be going loopy!
So I get out of my car in the blazing sunshine in the middle of a busy industrial estate. There's lorries swishing by, and a burger van down the road, so there's a lot of people walking past. I wandered through them all heading purposefully towards the company I was going for a job at, and no-one does anything that mihgt suggest they've read me and are shocked about it. I go into the reception and there's a bloke arguing with the receptionist about something. She says I ought to take a seat calling me 'Madam' without batting an eyelid then goes back to the argument. Three people cruise past without staring, then the arguing man gose and I go back to the desk. I hand her my interview letter, and explain who I've come to see. I think she must have read me at this point, because my voice isn't so hot yet. She was still polite though. She tells me to sit down then calls up to the guy I'm here to see. Heh! And she still refers to me as a she on the phone with no slip ups at all. Doing fine! She glances up at me once whilst I'm waiting, but appart from that she gets on with her job just like I wasn't there. A good sign.
The guy who is interviewing me comes down and shakes my hand. He too gets all the pronoun stuff right, and treats me as a real woman, even if I still read the flash of uncertainty from his body language when I speak. A point of note here - he shook my hand. I've begun to wonder do men shake women's hands when they meet under a business situation, or would this be a sign that I'm overtly being treated male? To be honest I've never been paying attention before.
We go upstairs, into his office and we do the interview. He doesn't stare, he doesn't look too uncomfortable, and there are no awkward pauses. His body language seems to check out as I'm answering his questions. All the while I'm thinking "He was expecting a real woman called Jenny before I arrived. He must have read me by now, yet he's not showing it" At the end when he's talking about attendence records and stuff like that, I finally break and take out my consultant psychiatrist's letter that basically says I'm mtf transsexual and on treatment, so living fulltime as a woman is normal and acceptable, and hand it over explaining that I would need to take a day off every couple of months to see him for the treatment. I stressed that I could easily take it out of my holiday entitlement, or just take the day off as unpaid - it doesn't bother me. Suprisingly he was pretty cool about the letter. He read it quickly and handed it back, and said that was perfectly okay.
Now why did I feel compelled to show him the letter? I didn't have to. I could have taken those days off from holiday and never told anyone what I was doing. But inside me there is this overwelming feeling of paranoia that they must be reading me, and that more to the point mtf transsexual might not be at the top of the list of conclusions they come to. I guess I'm paranoid that they think this is an elaborate hoax, or worse; that I'm just some transvestite who gets a sexual thrill out of pretending to be a woman. That's the worries I feel. I'm thinking it's best at this stage, until I am a lot more confident, to be this open and honest at interview and therefore keep outing myself with that letter.