To disclose or not to disclose
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To disclose or not to disclose
by Joe Ippolito
July 9, 3:21 PM
Disclosing to a potential dating partner can be an anxiety producing experience for many "passing" transgender people. Passing is the ability to present oneself as a gender other than one assigned at birth and to live in an unrecognizable state in society as this new gender.
For some, the notion of being rejected because of their transgender identity is so terrifying they opt to remain "in the closet," and end up not dating at all. For others, telling a potential dating partner may not be something they ever do. However, if disclosing is something you personally feel is important to you then it might be helpful to keep these few points in mind when deciding to open up in this way. For starters, you may want to feel the person out first to see exactly where they stand on similar political and social issues, such as gay and lesbian concerns, and/or determine how they relate to certain gender roles? Is this person more politically conservative then you expected? Do they think lesbians are really women who have merely not "landed" a good man? Do they think it is wrong for men to wear pink and women to wear blue? Depending on what the answer to these questions are, you may want or need to reconsider who this person is and if they really make a good dating partner for you. However, if you decide to go forward with the dating relationship you will then need to figure out a good time to talk with them about your gender identity.
While talking on the phone is always an option, having this type of discussion in person may be — in my opinion — the best way to go. Organize a time to sit down and talk with this person in a place that is both private and safe. Open up the discussion by telling them that there is something you need to discuss with them and assure them that you will be available afterwards to answer any questions they may have. Also, tell them that — once they learn this information — they may desire some time to think about where they stand with things and that this is okay too. Once you have disclosed, quickly remind them that it is okay to ask questions, or take time to think. Additionally, it is also a good idea to prepare for the possibility that they may feel confused, overwhelmed and/or hurt you did not tell them sooner. Deciding at what point in a dating relationship is a good time to disclose is a subjective choice, however, I am inclined to suggest doing it within the first month or so of a new dating relationship. This time-frame will allow the person to get to know you as a person first, but may leave enough window of time so they do not feel betrayed or lied to.
If they walk away and/or tell you they never want to see you again, try not to take this reaction personally. While such a reaction may feel rejecting at first, it is better to know earlier on where someone stands then 2, 3 or 6 months into the relationship, after you have developed more serious feelings for the person. Additionally, it is important to remember that rejection is only a state of mind, and while this may feel awful at the moment, there is a lid out there for every saucepan and it may just take a little longer for you to find it.
In regards to questions, while expecting them to ask questions in a respectable manner is only fair, the issue of sex and/or your physical anatomy may come up. You need to be prepared to discuss this with them openly and honestly, but also tell them when and/if a particular line of questions is too personal for you or feels uncomfortable. Remember, you may have just met this person, and opening up in this way can be make someone feel extremely vulnerable. Being mindful of where you are in that process is also extremely important.
On the flip side, because most people of transgender experience spend a considerable amount of time studying gender and sexuality issues, fielding questions from people who may not have the same level of understanding about such issues may seem rudimentary, at first. However, open and honest discussions often lend themselves to opportunities for which new information is shared and important insights discovered. It can also help develop and foster deeper connections. Therefore, it is really important to keep an open mind, to really listen and try — as best you can — to normalize this experience for your potential dating partner.
Remind them that while your physiology may not be exactly what they are used to, no two people are ever alike sexually and when you get intimate with someone, regardless of what their gender identity is, exploring what makes them feel good or how they like to be touched is merely a part of getting to know each other intimately. It may also be useful to provide them with proper information about the transgender experience such as; accurate websites where they can read helpful information, or online support groups for partners who date transgender identified individuals.
Remember, it is natural and expected to feel anxious about disclosing your gender identity to a potential dating partner. However, there are lots of transgender people out there who are in successful dating relationships, and many of these relationships started after a physical transition occurred.
Author: Joe Ippolito
Joe Ippolito is an Examiner from Philadelphia. You can see Joe's articles on Joe's Home Page.
To disclose or not to disclose
by Joe Ippolito
July 9, 3:21 PM
Disclosing to a potential dating partner can be an anxiety producing experience for many "passing" transgender people. Passing is the ability to present oneself as a gender other than one assigned at birth and to live in an unrecognizable state in society as this new gender.
For some, the notion of being rejected because of their transgender identity is so terrifying they opt to remain "in the closet," and end up not dating at all. For others, telling a potential dating partner may not be something they ever do. However, if disclosing is something you personally feel is important to you then it might be helpful to keep these few points in mind when deciding to open up in this way. For starters, you may want to feel the person out first to see exactly where they stand on similar political and social issues, such as gay and lesbian concerns, and/or determine how they relate to certain gender roles? Is this person more politically conservative then you expected? Do they think lesbians are really women who have merely not "landed" a good man? Do they think it is wrong for men to wear pink and women to wear blue? Depending on what the answer to these questions are, you may want or need to reconsider who this person is and if they really make a good dating partner for you. However, if you decide to go forward with the dating relationship you will then need to figure out a good time to talk with them about your gender identity.
While talking on the phone is always an option, having this type of discussion in person may be — in my opinion — the best way to go. Organize a time to sit down and talk with this person in a place that is both private and safe. Open up the discussion by telling them that there is something you need to discuss with them and assure them that you will be available afterwards to answer any questions they may have. Also, tell them that — once they learn this information — they may desire some time to think about where they stand with things and that this is okay too. Once you have disclosed, quickly remind them that it is okay to ask questions, or take time to think. Additionally, it is also a good idea to prepare for the possibility that they may feel confused, overwhelmed and/or hurt you did not tell them sooner. Deciding at what point in a dating relationship is a good time to disclose is a subjective choice, however, I am inclined to suggest doing it within the first month or so of a new dating relationship. This time-frame will allow the person to get to know you as a person first, but may leave enough window of time so they do not feel betrayed or lied to.
If they walk away and/or tell you they never want to see you again, try not to take this reaction personally. While such a reaction may feel rejecting at first, it is better to know earlier on where someone stands then 2, 3 or 6 months into the relationship, after you have developed more serious feelings for the person. Additionally, it is important to remember that rejection is only a state of mind, and while this may feel awful at the moment, there is a lid out there for every saucepan and it may just take a little longer for you to find it.
In regards to questions, while expecting them to ask questions in a respectable manner is only fair, the issue of sex and/or your physical anatomy may come up. You need to be prepared to discuss this with them openly and honestly, but also tell them when and/if a particular line of questions is too personal for you or feels uncomfortable. Remember, you may have just met this person, and opening up in this way can be make someone feel extremely vulnerable. Being mindful of where you are in that process is also extremely important.
On the flip side, because most people of transgender experience spend a considerable amount of time studying gender and sexuality issues, fielding questions from people who may not have the same level of understanding about such issues may seem rudimentary, at first. However, open and honest discussions often lend themselves to opportunities for which new information is shared and important insights discovered. It can also help develop and foster deeper connections. Therefore, it is really important to keep an open mind, to really listen and try — as best you can — to normalize this experience for your potential dating partner.
Remind them that while your physiology may not be exactly what they are used to, no two people are ever alike sexually and when you get intimate with someone, regardless of what their gender identity is, exploring what makes them feel good or how they like to be touched is merely a part of getting to know each other intimately. It may also be useful to provide them with proper information about the transgender experience such as; accurate websites where they can read helpful information, or online support groups for partners who date transgender identified individuals.
Remember, it is natural and expected to feel anxious about disclosing your gender identity to a potential dating partner. However, there are lots of transgender people out there who are in successful dating relationships, and many of these relationships started after a physical transition occurred.
Author: Joe Ippolito
Joe Ippolito is an Examiner from Philadelphia. You can see Joe's articles on Joe's Home Page.