trans | E-mail to My Step Mom

Re: Another letter attempting to provoke me into exploring the idea that I may have been sexually abused as a child.

I've just read your letter...

I feel as if I have to be extremely blunt. I do not wish to pursue this. There is absolutely no evidence to support these claims. I have no memory of such events. I do not believe that they anything with anyone actually happened. This line of challenging has gone from disheartening to offensive.

While I am a freak and an abomination -- I am a happy freak and abomination. For the most part anyway -- until things like this begin drifting my way. I will not always be an abomination -- I am evolving. It has become an accepted truth for me -- akin to the force of gravity. I am not THAT uncommon in being a lesbian. Most M=>F t-folk that I have encountered are bisexual, however I have met approximately equal numbers of both straight women as lesbian t-women as well.

(This was a bone of contention with her. Apparenlty if I'm going to be T, I should at least be a straight T.)

I am guessing you have not seen the movie "But I'm a Cheerleader." It is a good film, however I had no idea how much I had in common with the main characters until this week. The essential storyline is that a girl is sent away to a camp/program to fix her being a lesbian, and become straight. They follow a multi step program wherein at one point they are asked to find their "root" of what made them a lesbian. I feel like that's exactly what's going on here. I just am. I've been exhibiting symptoms of this since childhood, and in early adulthood tried multiple times to come out but quickly retreated because I didn't have any moral support.

I can't live like this anymore. I want to be a good, genuine, honest person. I feel that it's impossible for me to do if I am lying to myself by trying to convince myself I'm a guy. Ultimately it doesn't matter where I came from. What is real is what is here and now. It's what we can feel, breathe, taste, and touch. Why can't people be happy that I've finally come to cherish myself? I understand that it is a hard road, but it is also a rewarding one. There is no disability that does not also carry with it innate strength and goodness -- it's just a matter of finding it. Since I have admitted this part of me, I can honestly say that I love myself. I smile more often. I am in high spirits. I have let go of a terrible weight that has been dragging me. Occasionally there is some emotional discomfort as I struggle with perfecting my appearance, but I realize that this is only temporary.

I am thankful that I have a new group of friends that honor and support me. I have a great many things to be thankful right now -- and believe me I do give thanks to the lord, universe, or whatever presence there is that I give thanks to. I am sorry if this is not good enough for you -- all I want to do is be content and happy. I feel like so much of love is conditional these days. Can you love a freak? Can you love a deviant, when there may be no specific rationale for them? It feels like, with this recent topic, I am being asked to explain away myself so that I can be 'fixed.' The only problem is that I'm not broken -- this is the person I am. I am a woman. I have actively identified this was for some time now. Before then it was passive -- admitting to yourself that you're different from everyone else is trying thing to do.

I... just don't know what I can say anymore. I regret sharing many of the things I have with you because now I feel they are being exploited. I should have just maintained the pretense that I am just a femmy guy whose probably queer, but not admitting it. It's not like we ever encounter each other in situations where I am not assuming this demeanor. I just want acceptance, and I want to be loved. Before I can do that however, I must first come to accept and love myself...

.... it seems like there's more to say but I just don't know. I'm sure you're taking offense to the unwritten suggestion that you don't have love for me -- this is not the case. I do believe that you care, and I do believe that you are trying to do what you feel is best. The problem at hand unfortunately is that right now... that I can intellectualize it, but am unable to feel lit.

Justine.

PS> I have given myself a middle name too. It is Faith.

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Moderators, please let me know if these types of posts don't belong here. :/