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trans2005-10-10 12:24 am
marskitten.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2005-10-10 12:24 am
Feeling invisible
I feel invisible these days. I'm no longer the out queer kid anymore. I'm just a campus peer teacher (like a TA but undergrad). And I kinda like it. I'm just another girl now. I've been out on campus as a openly (and obviously) m2f girl since my third semester to anyone who cared to ask.
This semester, after 2 years on hormones I decided to go full time. Classes, job, life, the whole deal. And I seem to be pulling it off more or less. I'm Ellysar to everyone except one class.
Arabic class is the only one where I cannot pass off as Ellysar. The students don't really listen (or care) and the teacher is pretty firm on me being male. No matter what I look like. I don't want to fight her on it, we like each other, but we've got disagreements. Its 2 hours a week and to be honest its not a huge part of my day, they don't hassle me about my clothes, I don't care what they call me.
But I'm also a bit lonely, and a bit horney *ducks*. But the lonelyness compounds things, I used to be able to date gay, met some pretty decent guys, went out a few times (no sex tho) and generally had a pretty good time with them. Gay men's attention is the only thing I miss about my male life, not the sex tho. But now I'm a lesbian, but the primary problem is I'm honest.
When I ask someone out usually its followed up by "you should probally know..." which usually ends up canceling it on the spot. That is probally my big problem. But I do this because the more involved I am with someone, the less likely I'm going to tell them until I absolutely have to. But I suppose it saves me time in the long run. But so far the only lesbians interested in me are older women usually 35-40ish. Which is okay I suppose, but I'd rather go out with people my age, with more interests in common other than hey, lets date!
The other end of is I'm very shy socially. My usual circle of friends are hermits and are a little put off by my fulltime status. Not that they went anywhere anyway. My current night out, Thursday is with the campus GLBT group, which is fun but you don't meet new people there. But a night out is a night out, and tons of fun. That combined with the fact I study alot, don't like to drink/party, I hardly meet people. So comment away.
This semester, after 2 years on hormones I decided to go full time. Classes, job, life, the whole deal. And I seem to be pulling it off more or less. I'm Ellysar to everyone except one class.
Arabic class is the only one where I cannot pass off as Ellysar. The students don't really listen (or care) and the teacher is pretty firm on me being male. No matter what I look like. I don't want to fight her on it, we like each other, but we've got disagreements. Its 2 hours a week and to be honest its not a huge part of my day, they don't hassle me about my clothes, I don't care what they call me.
But I'm also a bit lonely, and a bit horney *ducks*. But the lonelyness compounds things, I used to be able to date gay, met some pretty decent guys, went out a few times (no sex tho) and generally had a pretty good time with them. Gay men's attention is the only thing I miss about my male life, not the sex tho. But now I'm a lesbian, but the primary problem is I'm honest.
When I ask someone out usually its followed up by "you should probally know..." which usually ends up canceling it on the spot. That is probally my big problem. But I do this because the more involved I am with someone, the less likely I'm going to tell them until I absolutely have to. But I suppose it saves me time in the long run. But so far the only lesbians interested in me are older women usually 35-40ish. Which is okay I suppose, but I'd rather go out with people my age, with more interests in common other than hey, lets date!
The other end of is I'm very shy socially. My usual circle of friends are hermits and are a little put off by my fulltime status. Not that they went anywhere anyway. My current night out, Thursday is with the campus GLBT group, which is fun but you don't meet new people there. But a night out is a night out, and tons of fun. That combined with the fact I study alot, don't like to drink/party, I hardly meet people. So comment away.