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darkfox-uscm.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trans2005-12-20 12:05 am
darkfox-uscm.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2005-12-20 12:05 am
The woes of the voice.
I'm beginning to become absolutely sick of the way my voice inhibits my gender identity. It'd be bearable if it simply gave me away (as I'm sure other things might), but forth from this comes *horrible* experiences where I feel so very trapped, and it's not a feeling I'm comfortable with.
Having been merrily crossliving for about a year now, and having previously been into a rather androgenous, hell sometimes outright girly 'goth' image, I'm no stranger to standing out and being noticed. The times when I get clocked for a genetic male don't really hurt me, but the experience that is starting to really cut deep is the *fear* of getting clocked preventing me from talking.
As an example - I was in town christmas shopping with my brother on Saturday. In a videogame shop, a gang of townies piled in, smoking ciggarettes and making a lot of noise. They were promptly thrown out of the shop, but not before threataning a guy in there. Standing outside the door, they made a few attempts to get back into the shop, and during one of these attempts one of the lads got past the shopkeepers and got inside, repeating 'I'm not with them'.
I felt I absolutely had to stop this guy from getting his hands on the gent in the shop, so I stood in his way, and said 'yes you are, get out'.
What ensued was a lot of laughter as this bloke told his mates about this 'tranny'. I stood in the entrance to the shop, unable to walk away due to reluctance in showing cowardice, but when the gang started to become unsure of whether I was in fact female after all, I felt I couldn't talk - couldn't give the game away and invite more laughter. I just stood there, frozen still, effectively in a gender-related bumb fear. Awful.
I had the same experience minutes later in the pub with my brother. I sat down as he got us drinks from the bar, and a kind-looking old man started to make conversation with me. He wasn't coming on to me or anything, but he did compliment me a few times on how pretty I was. I felt unable to speak in order to save him embarresment, but simultaneously felt rude for not answering his questions or giving any chatback. I don't like to come across as an ice queen, but sometimes I really do have to just sit there and say nothing.
I get these experiences time and time again, and they're really starting to become a thorn in my side.
There isn't a great deal of point to this post, as by now I've noticed, but it would be nice to hear if a few people have had similar experiences, or maybe even tips.
Having been merrily crossliving for about a year now, and having previously been into a rather androgenous, hell sometimes outright girly 'goth' image, I'm no stranger to standing out and being noticed. The times when I get clocked for a genetic male don't really hurt me, but the experience that is starting to really cut deep is the *fear* of getting clocked preventing me from talking.
As an example - I was in town christmas shopping with my brother on Saturday. In a videogame shop, a gang of townies piled in, smoking ciggarettes and making a lot of noise. They were promptly thrown out of the shop, but not before threataning a guy in there. Standing outside the door, they made a few attempts to get back into the shop, and during one of these attempts one of the lads got past the shopkeepers and got inside, repeating 'I'm not with them'.
I felt I absolutely had to stop this guy from getting his hands on the gent in the shop, so I stood in his way, and said 'yes you are, get out'.
What ensued was a lot of laughter as this bloke told his mates about this 'tranny'. I stood in the entrance to the shop, unable to walk away due to reluctance in showing cowardice, but when the gang started to become unsure of whether I was in fact female after all, I felt I couldn't talk - couldn't give the game away and invite more laughter. I just stood there, frozen still, effectively in a gender-related bumb fear. Awful.
I had the same experience minutes later in the pub with my brother. I sat down as he got us drinks from the bar, and a kind-looking old man started to make conversation with me. He wasn't coming on to me or anything, but he did compliment me a few times on how pretty I was. I felt unable to speak in order to save him embarresment, but simultaneously felt rude for not answering his questions or giving any chatback. I don't like to come across as an ice queen, but sometimes I really do have to just sit there and say nothing.
I get these experiences time and time again, and they're really starting to become a thorn in my side.
There isn't a great deal of point to this post, as by now I've noticed, but it would be nice to hear if a few people have had similar experiences, or maybe even tips.