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trans2006-06-03 03:10 pm
tgirlvalentine.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2006-06-03 03:10 pm
rambling thoughts of a tweeked out transexual
Okay so 'im not tweeking...I'm not even sure exactly what hte phrase means except strung out on drugs...well I am a hormone addict =)) that counts...sorat.
So thursday was my first therapy session since the meeting with my friend from reno. (nice huh? I dont give him a name except "friend from reno". To be honest i'm kinda uncomfortable using other peoples names in my journal entries, even in my own private journals...dont knwo why exactly ::shrugs:: ) SO, needless to say, we talked about it as it's the biggest emotional upheaval i've had since my last session =0). ((if you've not read it, it's the may 9th entry)) My therapist suggested, in an offhand sort of way, that I talk to my friend about it, as he and I havn't really spoken since we've returned.
Well my friend did say he was sorry "it" didn't work out (?!) an he never meant to hurt me. I replyed that i was flabbergasted b/c i didn't understand why it was so difficult, but i'd keep him on my friends list and maybe we'd meet again someday. ANyway, i've decided the "difficulty" was lack of communication, or better yet, BAD communication. You see, i'm oblivious to nuances sometimes. As in, since i'm tryin so hard to NOT assume he wants anything of me, I assume he doestn'...and i miss out on any que that would suggest anything to the contrary. But this wasnt' all me. He didn't really communciate to me what he was looking for...okay let me rephrase that, he communciated it, then recanted it with a "just meet as friend with no pressure" clause. So i went with no plan on sex, oh i desired it, very much, but no plan. AND since i'm insecure about 'dressing' and lack much in the way of clothing options, i dind't really plan for that...I didn't really plan at all. I just went ot meet a friend, hang out, watch movies, kick back, and relax. SOOOO somewhere along the way, he and i din't communciate. Whatever he wanted, and whatever I wanted, the other person was clueless about.
Plus on further contemplation, I dont think he and I ever really discussed "issues". Surely i'd brought up depression, but never erally discussed it. We didn't discuss as well little things that could've helped me get along. Things like, how he would be comfortable being approaced in the airport, or perhaps a list of subjects/topics that were okay to talk about. ::grins:: you think i'm being funny. and maybe i am a little, you might as well try to make light of it right ? but honestly, i completly froze up, and got caught in the "i'm worthless, everyone hates me" loop. I couldn't think of things to talk about, and if i DID think of htem, i kept them to myself b/c i was afraid he would "react"...and in my state of mind such a reaction woudl've been bad =0/ I dont know if anyone has ever found themselves in such a situation or event. I suppose it could be similar to stage fright for those familiar with such, or perfromance anxiety. You get to that point and BHAM! you can't move, you can't think, you cant speak, your just kinda frozen. It's what it felt like anyway =0) Which, while he was the cause, wasnt' his fault.
My friend in New York said that I need to be angry at my parents. It was them, after all, who taught me that making decisions and having opinions was bad and could be life threatening. No, ofcourse they didn't mean to, it's just how an emotional child took in the life he had (i hate pronouns sometimes!) and the events happening around and to him. But indeed I find myself NOT makign decisions alot, or trying to make decisions that will make other people happy, or somehow appease them. On the flip side of it, when i dont have an opinion they why the f*ck am i expected to have one? like, oh going to a restaurant.
person 1: hey do you wanna go eat?
me(....): sure, sounds great!
person 1: where do you wanna go?
me(....): oh I dont care really, whatever. where do you wanna go?
person 1: ummm I dont know.
me(....): well what kind of food are you in the mood for?
person 1: Oh anything is fine, just pic something.
me(....): Umm...i dont know, how about mexican?
person 1: meh. I'm not really into mexican.
me(....): Okay, wehre do you wanna go then? how about Italian?
person 1: nah, i had italian last night.
me(....): ummm okay. so where do you wanna eat tonight?
person 1: I dont know, you pic
anyone else feel my pain? I dont f*cking care! just pic someplace! *rawr* I suppose i need to wokr on my decision making skills, but still. *rawr* Point being, in the situation I was with, with a person who makes decisions for himself all the time and expects thos around him to have readily available opinions and or decisions...i was at a disadvantage, and thats quite simply, how I was raised.
Not to say i'm all bad. I"m a very laid back person, easy to talk to, caring, and can even at times be considered jovial! yes, soemtiems i do make funny! ::grins:: So do I need to talk him about that weekend? I say No. It was a stark reminder that I have to make changes in my life and myself in order to become the happy person I want to be. As delicious as he is (did i mention he's HOT?! mmmm shorter then I'd prefure, but gawd is he hot!!) and as successfull as he is, he can't do it for me...nor did he provide much of a map! but he did give me some clues, and i've dug and found some others. I do hope to keep in touch with him, and at some level I want to make him proud. I know, i sound like an abused spouce eh? but seriously. He's really the first person who expected MORE out of me since highschool. That in and of itself matters =0)
anyway, i've gotta go back to work in a few so i'm gonna get!
blessed be!
always
Mikaela
crossposted to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tgirlvalentine, ozarks_tg, trasgender, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
mtf
PS sorry about the off dates on prior posts...seems my computer calender was off...dont know how that could've happend ::puts on her halo::
So thursday was my first therapy session since the meeting with my friend from reno. (nice huh? I dont give him a name except "friend from reno". To be honest i'm kinda uncomfortable using other peoples names in my journal entries, even in my own private journals...dont knwo why exactly ::shrugs:: ) SO, needless to say, we talked about it as it's the biggest emotional upheaval i've had since my last session =0). ((if you've not read it, it's the may 9th entry)) My therapist suggested, in an offhand sort of way, that I talk to my friend about it, as he and I havn't really spoken since we've returned.
Well my friend did say he was sorry "it" didn't work out (?!) an he never meant to hurt me. I replyed that i was flabbergasted b/c i didn't understand why it was so difficult, but i'd keep him on my friends list and maybe we'd meet again someday. ANyway, i've decided the "difficulty" was lack of communication, or better yet, BAD communication. You see, i'm oblivious to nuances sometimes. As in, since i'm tryin so hard to NOT assume he wants anything of me, I assume he doestn'...and i miss out on any que that would suggest anything to the contrary. But this wasnt' all me. He didn't really communciate to me what he was looking for...okay let me rephrase that, he communciated it, then recanted it with a "just meet as friend with no pressure" clause. So i went with no plan on sex, oh i desired it, very much, but no plan. AND since i'm insecure about 'dressing' and lack much in the way of clothing options, i dind't really plan for that...I didn't really plan at all. I just went ot meet a friend, hang out, watch movies, kick back, and relax. SOOOO somewhere along the way, he and i din't communciate. Whatever he wanted, and whatever I wanted, the other person was clueless about.
Plus on further contemplation, I dont think he and I ever really discussed "issues". Surely i'd brought up depression, but never erally discussed it. We didn't discuss as well little things that could've helped me get along. Things like, how he would be comfortable being approaced in the airport, or perhaps a list of subjects/topics that were okay to talk about. ::grins:: you think i'm being funny. and maybe i am a little, you might as well try to make light of it right ? but honestly, i completly froze up, and got caught in the "i'm worthless, everyone hates me" loop. I couldn't think of things to talk about, and if i DID think of htem, i kept them to myself b/c i was afraid he would "react"...and in my state of mind such a reaction woudl've been bad =0/ I dont know if anyone has ever found themselves in such a situation or event. I suppose it could be similar to stage fright for those familiar with such, or perfromance anxiety. You get to that point and BHAM! you can't move, you can't think, you cant speak, your just kinda frozen. It's what it felt like anyway =0) Which, while he was the cause, wasnt' his fault.
My friend in New York said that I need to be angry at my parents. It was them, after all, who taught me that making decisions and having opinions was bad and could be life threatening. No, ofcourse they didn't mean to, it's just how an emotional child took in the life he had (i hate pronouns sometimes!) and the events happening around and to him. But indeed I find myself NOT makign decisions alot, or trying to make decisions that will make other people happy, or somehow appease them. On the flip side of it, when i dont have an opinion they why the f*ck am i expected to have one? like, oh going to a restaurant.
person 1: hey do you wanna go eat?
me(....): sure, sounds great!
person 1: where do you wanna go?
me(....): oh I dont care really, whatever. where do you wanna go?
person 1: ummm I dont know.
me(....): well what kind of food are you in the mood for?
person 1: Oh anything is fine, just pic something.
me(....): Umm...i dont know, how about mexican?
person 1: meh. I'm not really into mexican.
me(....): Okay, wehre do you wanna go then? how about Italian?
person 1: nah, i had italian last night.
me(....): ummm okay. so where do you wanna eat tonight?
person 1: I dont know, you pic
anyone else feel my pain? I dont f*cking care! just pic someplace! *rawr* I suppose i need to wokr on my decision making skills, but still. *rawr* Point being, in the situation I was with, with a person who makes decisions for himself all the time and expects thos around him to have readily available opinions and or decisions...i was at a disadvantage, and thats quite simply, how I was raised.
Not to say i'm all bad. I"m a very laid back person, easy to talk to, caring, and can even at times be considered jovial! yes, soemtiems i do make funny! ::grins:: So do I need to talk him about that weekend? I say No. It was a stark reminder that I have to make changes in my life and myself in order to become the happy person I want to be. As delicious as he is (did i mention he's HOT?! mmmm shorter then I'd prefure, but gawd is he hot!!) and as successfull as he is, he can't do it for me...nor did he provide much of a map! but he did give me some clues, and i've dug and found some others. I do hope to keep in touch with him, and at some level I want to make him proud. I know, i sound like an abused spouce eh? but seriously. He's really the first person who expected MORE out of me since highschool. That in and of itself matters =0)
anyway, i've gotta go back to work in a few so i'm gonna get!
blessed be!
always
Mikaela
crossposted to
tgirlvalentine, ozarks_tg, trasgender, mtfPS sorry about the off dates on prior posts...seems my computer calender was off...dont know how that could've happend ::puts on her halo::