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trans2006-09-18 09:25 am
wynnefox.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2006-09-18 09:25 am
Weekend update
So after my posting previously about asking advice about I should do with my upcomming cousin's wedding, some of you may be curious on how things went? This is a longish type post so I split it up some for the rest of you.
Well sat, I went out with Debie (my best friend, life and female couch, and gentic girl) to do a panicy search for shoes. I was thinking at the time that I was a size 15 mens so I pretty much resolved not to find women's shoes of the right size in that short of time. We picked up shoes from vans, some innexpensive lofers as an emergcy back up then headed to famious foot wear. They had one one pair of 15 men's dress shoes in the entire place, I tried them on and... well my heal kept slipping out and the toe felt overly spacious. So I quickly found a sizer, and turns out with my weight loss my feet have shrunk to a 13 and 1/2... Weird but lucky! I think god was helping me out (or what ever greater metaphysical being who is out there). I did find some good unisex dress shoes and off I went. Debie went out that night on a date just to come home feeling sick because of something she ate. while she was gone I took a 2 hour nap, when she got back, i headed out, got her some stomach stuff as well verious hair removal products because I been letting myself grow out all week (not on HRT yet so with expected growth results). I didn't get to bed until 4-5 in the morning, took another nap basicly and was back up at 8am for...
Wedding day...
Now Debie was suposed to go with me and I was getting all dressed up, I desided to go sans make up, stuck with my longer red wig because the shorter black one smelled like cigerates (it was a handme down, I dislike it anyways), and wore a bra but left the prostetics at home. I have some breastage like stuff anyhow, I wear the prostetics just to fill things out. Then the first thing went wrong. Debie went to use the bathroom and had blood in the urin. I was starting to get panicy but she relaxed me and told me I looked beautiful, she is going to call a taxi and go to the hosptial and for me to get going. I was getting insistant that I go take her to the hospital and screw with the wedding but she said I had to go and she'd be fine.
So off I went. by myself. no back up support. and holy god almighty was I scared and flying solo. I sat out in my car in cold sweat a bit then I just remembered reading, "Who moved my cheese?" on friday (fantastic book on how to deal with change not just trans but all change) and remembered it's advice. I laughed at myself for being scared, shook my head, and asked myself,"Self, What would you do if you weren't scared?" To which led to only one responce,"I'd go in and have a good time." so up out of the safty of my car, and into the building. It was being held at a simi-nice golf course. I went in the main entrance, saw a group of people that looked like wedding gear but fear sunk in a bit again and I didn't want to wander around in unkown territory. I remembered seeing one of the bride's maids at the back door so I went out and slipped in the back again where I promptly ran into Taryn, My other cousin and matrion of honor. She was talking to her husband who barely glanced at me and went back to his buisness with fiddling something on the table and listening to his wife when Taryn looked up from him, saw me and exclaimed, "DJ!" (thats what my family calls me seince they know I don't want to be called David and they arn't quite comphy with Wynne), quickly came up to me, gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek, told me how good I looked, and she was glad I came. She was in process of asking me how I was doing when she was called for a sound check. I chilled near the wedding area (it was being held out doors, I was hiding out near the door watching everyone get ready. Most everyone else was out in the loby so I was making effort to stay out of main sight (Jamie, the bride, asked I try my best not to make to big of an apprence because she don't want to take attention from her. Unstandable)
Then my grand-uncle (a gruff sothern man, My mother's mother's brother, Pastor of the united methodist faith, the one preforming the wedding, flew in from out of town todo this) came by me, shook my hand and said, "Hey there Dj, it is DJ right?." I nodded and replied with the affirmitive to which he said he was glad I was there, patted my shoulder and went about his pre-wedding duties. More people started showing up in the room I was in and they closed the curtins outside so I moved into the corner and hid out there where I worked myself up enough that my teeth were actualy clattering in fear. My mother and aunt still haven't seen me and thouse two I was most worried about. I don't know if I was radiating fear or something because my grand-uncle came by to where I was and desided to talk to me,"What are you doing over here? Where you given instruction to stay out of sight?"
I nodded and muttered a yes in my nurviousness.
"Well DJ, let me tell you something. Now I am not going to preach to you, thats for sundays. You know your uncle David (my mother's brother. he was gay. Dead now. Died from radiation poisoning he got from the navy. I wish he was around more then anyone else because I could have used his help the most. I am thinking some part of him was with me) lived with me for just over a year right? Well I knew about his life style and I didn't approve of it. But you know what? I still loved him and respected him. He is still one of us and was family no matter what. Now I know that some of us here do not approve of what your doing eaither, but its your right and I hope for your sake your making the right choice. But no matter what, your still one of us and we will love you no mater what. Your still family got that?"
I nodded again and was trying to keep from crying from this point. I thanked him, thouse words really really helped alot.
"Well I still have stuff to do DJ, I will see you around." and he smiled, patted my shoulder and went back to what he was doing. As if on cue my mom entered the room, saw me, and headed stright for me smiling. we talked for a little bit and she saw I was in a nurvious panic that I was keeping subdued and was trying to keep from crying to which she sugested I steped outside to get some air with her. Standin in the corner was doing me no good at all. We went back out the back door I came in at and talked some more. She complemented my look, said she wouldn't have chosen the ruffeled shirt and said my wig was a bit fazzeled. She was conserned that it was getting to hot for me and I may want to take it off. I told her I couldn't. by this point I relaxed some and we went back inside with her. The wedding was getting ready to start and people started taking their seats. My mom sent my brother to find my grandmother. He just gave me a look, smirked, and shook his head with out saying a word, leaving to find grandma. Mom and I sat next to each other in the back row and everyone showed up and It was a wonderful wedding. I never new taryn sung so beatufuly. I guess she would have to after winning the Ms Portland compition, among other beauty contests. Jamie was absolutly stunning. The wedding went smothly and I didn't get any odd stares. All eyes was on Jamie and her new husband.
I relaxed a whole lot but during the wedding I got txt'd from Debie (don't worry, it was on vibrate. I have some brains. hehe) telling me she is doing ok so far but hasn't been admitted yet. I whispered to my mom I wasn't going to stay for the reception because of whats going on with debie and to give Jamie my blessings. She understood completely and as soon as things were done and people were leaving, I darted out to go see Debie.
So off I went. by myself. no back up support. and holy god almighty was I scared and flying solo. I sat out in my car in cold sweat a bit then I just remembered reading, "Who moved my cheese?" on friday (fantastic book on how to deal with change not just trans but all change) and remembered it's advice. I laughed at myself for being scared, shook my head, and asked myself,"Self, What would you do if you weren't scared?" To which led to only one responce,"I'd go in and have a good time." so up out of the safty of my car, and into the building. It was being held at a simi-nice golf course. I went in the main entrance, saw a group of people that looked like wedding gear but fear sunk in a bit again and I didn't want to wander around in unkown territory. I remembered seeing one of the bride's maids at the back door so I went out and slipped in the back again where I promptly ran into Taryn, My other cousin and matrion of honor. She was talking to her husband who barely glanced at me and went back to his buisness with fiddling something on the table and listening to his wife when Taryn looked up from him, saw me and exclaimed, "DJ!" (thats what my family calls me seince they know I don't want to be called David and they arn't quite comphy with Wynne), quickly came up to me, gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek, told me how good I looked, and she was glad I came. She was in process of asking me how I was doing when she was called for a sound check. I chilled near the wedding area (it was being held out doors, I was hiding out near the door watching everyone get ready. Most everyone else was out in the loby so I was making effort to stay out of main sight (Jamie, the bride, asked I try my best not to make to big of an apprence because she don't want to take attention from her. Unstandable)
Then my grand-uncle (a gruff sothern man, My mother's mother's brother, Pastor of the united methodist faith, the one preforming the wedding, flew in from out of town todo this) came by me, shook my hand and said, "Hey there Dj, it is DJ right?." I nodded and replied with the affirmitive to which he said he was glad I was there, patted my shoulder and went about his pre-wedding duties. More people started showing up in the room I was in and they closed the curtins outside so I moved into the corner and hid out there where I worked myself up enough that my teeth were actualy clattering in fear. My mother and aunt still haven't seen me and thouse two I was most worried about. I don't know if I was radiating fear or something because my grand-uncle came by to where I was and desided to talk to me,"What are you doing over here? Where you given instruction to stay out of sight?"
I nodded and muttered a yes in my nurviousness.
"Well DJ, let me tell you something. Now I am not going to preach to you, thats for sundays. You know your uncle David (my mother's brother. he was gay. Dead now. Died from radiation poisoning he got from the navy. I wish he was around more then anyone else because I could have used his help the most. I am thinking some part of him was with me) lived with me for just over a year right? Well I knew about his life style and I didn't approve of it. But you know what? I still loved him and respected him. He is still one of us and was family no matter what. Now I know that some of us here do not approve of what your doing eaither, but its your right and I hope for your sake your making the right choice. But no matter what, your still one of us and we will love you no mater what. Your still family got that?"
I nodded again and was trying to keep from crying from this point. I thanked him, thouse words really really helped alot.
"Well I still have stuff to do DJ, I will see you around." and he smiled, patted my shoulder and went back to what he was doing. As if on cue my mom entered the room, saw me, and headed stright for me smiling. we talked for a little bit and she saw I was in a nurvious panic that I was keeping subdued and was trying to keep from crying to which she sugested I steped outside to get some air with her. Standin in the corner was doing me no good at all. We went back out the back door I came in at and talked some more. She complemented my look, said she wouldn't have chosen the ruffeled shirt and said my wig was a bit fazzeled. She was conserned that it was getting to hot for me and I may want to take it off. I told her I couldn't. by this point I relaxed some and we went back inside with her. The wedding was getting ready to start and people started taking their seats. My mom sent my brother to find my grandmother. He just gave me a look, smirked, and shook his head with out saying a word, leaving to find grandma. Mom and I sat next to each other in the back row and everyone showed up and It was a wonderful wedding. I never new taryn sung so beatufuly. I guess she would have to after winning the Ms Portland compition, among other beauty contests. Jamie was absolutly stunning. The wedding went smothly and I didn't get any odd stares. All eyes was on Jamie and her new husband.
I relaxed a whole lot but during the wedding I got txt'd from Debie (don't worry, it was on vibrate. I have some brains. hehe) telling me she is doing ok so far but hasn't been admitted yet. I whispered to my mom I wasn't going to stay for the reception because of whats going on with debie and to give Jamie my blessings. She understood completely and as soon as things were done and people were leaving, I darted out to go see Debie.
After the wedding...
On the way there I stopped for food because I realized I haven't eaten at all and its after noon at that point and I also stoped at the comic store to pick up Debie and my saver (been going there since I was 11, they already know I am transisioning. They know Debie and I are friends and living together). Debie was out and was waiting outside for me with her boyfriend, Eric, and I picked them up, go her meds, went home, changed out of our dressy clothes, and apon which we all colapsed on the same bed and fell fast asleep. I got up a bit later before them, checked the comptuer and saw my mom left me an IM on my comp. She said she had some stuff for me to come get and wanted me to come over. So I got myself back dressed in some jeans and a shirt (still in girl mode, at this point after that morning, There isn't shit that can scare me any more.(not true but it will be very hard to scare me)) and headed over. I called her from out front, told her I was there but I was still in girl mode. She said she'd meet me at the door. She saw me and invited me in. Their dog freaked out at seeing me but other then that things went cool. I gave my Dad some presents I got him. He is bed ridden right now due to a back injury at work. He gave me a new fox to add to my colelction of 50+ I already. 1/3rd he gave me. Some girls get unicorns, some ponies, some other things. Me, its foxes.
Mom and I left my Dad to rest, he was under some heavy pain meds, and talked about things for about a good hour or two. It was actualy one of the most constructive conversations we have ever had. She still used male pronouns for me and I didn't want press the issues but she was calling me DJ. She gave me some flowers and spices that was given to her to be passed on to Debie as a get well gift.
to a Friend's house...
From there I swung by other friend Jenny's house (she is a GG, owns a computer repair biz, she once said years ago,"Dave, you have an insite on how women think then any man should have." She wasn't surpised at all by me transissioning) because she was going to work on my gaming machine for me. While there I ran into my old friend Pat. He and I had a fall out over a year ago and haven't talked in all that time. It was bad enough he changed his number and didn't want me to know where he lived. We were friends since I was a sophmore in HS. He wasn't surpised to much to see me it seemed. Then again I did want to patch things up with him. And we did. He made arangement to pay off the debts he owed my parrents (one of the main things that led to us to stop talking). Then spent about 4-5 hours with the three of us ketching up on the past year.
Amusing moment of the night: I looked at Jenny when we were talking about TV shows and I started with;
"Jenny! did you see Nip/Tuck's season Primeer?"
"OMG yes!"
"With the one guy being..?"
"...I know!"
"It was about time!"
"no kidding! he was even more so when he tried..."
"Yeah! and the giant cock in his living room!"
"totaly!"
to which be both fell into a fit of giggles, I looked over at Pat who's brain got left totaly in the dust by this conversation. He had the very obvious male look of confusion of what just happened. I pointed this out to Jenny and Pat went, turned away and then started talking to his crotch,"Hey down there, Hows it going? The weather going good down there? Good to hear. DId you understand any of that? No? Good, I am not the only one." to which put Jenny and I to even bigger fit of giggles.
Amusing moment of the night: I looked at Jenny when we were talking about TV shows and I started with;
"Jenny! did you see Nip/Tuck's season Primeer?"
"OMG yes!"
"With the one guy being..?"
"...I know!"
"It was about time!"
"no kidding! he was even more so when he tried..."
"Yeah! and the giant cock in his living room!"
"totaly!"
to which be both fell into a fit of giggles, I looked over at Pat who's brain got left totaly in the dust by this conversation. He had the very obvious male look of confusion of what just happened. I pointed this out to Jenny and Pat went, turned away and then started talking to his crotch,"Hey down there, Hows it going? The weather going good down there? Good to hear. DId you understand any of that? No? Good, I am not the only one." to which put Jenny and I to even bigger fit of giggles.
More happened later that nig but nowhere near as important. Today; off to my second appoint ment with the shrink, Going in girl mode this time.
Cross posted in my jounral, transgender, and mtf.