trans | Why Do I Always Try To Justify My Feelings?????

I don't understand why I keep beating myself up and bringing my self to tears about one aspect of my life. It seems my whole life I have tried to justify my reasons for feeling I should have been a woman. I guess part of my personality likes to know why things happen. That’s why I decided to study biology at university. I wanted to know all about the physical and chemical of all existence on earth.

Maybe this is the reason why I constantly look for an answer to my problem. I feel there is an answer to everything under the sun but we just don't know them all. I would give up everything to just know the reason why I feel this way. Sometimes I feel that without justifying my feelings I feel like a faker.

I always look at my body for some reason I found it difficult to describe. I constantly look for any feminine features in my body. The strange thing is I see feminine features and I get very confused about this. I am not sure whether I'm seeing what I want to see (wishful thinking). I often want to believe I've got some kind of biological condition in a somewhat desperate way to justify my need to be female. I don't know whether I see a more distorted exacerbated image of my body seeing wide hips, slight breast development (I've had since I was 13), and a high waist.

This is all something I have to raise with my GP because for a very long time I have felt like this. It didn't help the situation when twice when telling GP's about my feelings of gender identity that they have asked me whether I feel my body is more female. The first time my GP asked me whether I had normal hair development etc, and the second GP asked whether I felt my body was more female than male. This doesn't help my paranoia. I think maybe this is a normal question GP's ask when someone approaches them about gender dysphoria. It could be what they learned when they were training. I wonder now whether GP's read your medical history before you see them or they just go pretty much blindly as well.

Again it is probably wishful thinking but I get paranoid that something has been hidden from me all this time. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I feel guilty about feeling this way but it’s something I can not stop without help. Maybe this is all something to do with Gender Dysphoria.