Why Do I Always Try To Justify My Feelings?????

[black-cat-1980.livejournal.com]

I don't understand why I keep beating myself up and bringing my self to tears about one aspect of my life. It seems my whole life I have tried to justify my reasons for feeling I should have been a woman. I guess part of my personality likes to know why things happen. That’s why I decided to study biology at university. I wanted to know all about the physical and chemical of all existence on earth. 

Maybe this is the reason why I constantly look for an answer to my problem. I feel there is an answer to everything under the sun but we just don't know them all. I would give up everything to just know the reason why I feel this way. Sometimes I feel that without justifying my feelings I feel like a faker. 

I always look at my body for some reason I found it difficult to describe. I constantly look for any feminine features in my body. The strange thing is I see feminine features and I get very confused about this. I am not sure whether I'm seeing what I want to see (wishful thinking). I often want to believe I've got some kind of biological condition in a somewhat desperate way to justify my need to be female. I don't know whether I see a more distorted exacerbated image of my body seeing wide hips, slight breast development (I've had since I was 13), and a high waist. 

This is all something I have to raise with my GP because for a very long time I have felt like this. It didn't help the situation when twice when telling GP's about my feelings of gender identity that they have asked me whether I feel my body is more female. The first time my GP asked me whether I had normal hair development etc, and the second GP asked whether I felt my body was more female than male. This doesn't help my paranoia. I think maybe this is a normal question GP's ask when someone approaches them about gender dysphoria. It could be what they learned when they were training. I wonder now whether GP's read your medical history before you see them or they just go pretty much blindly as well.

Again it is probably wishful thinking but I get paranoid that something has been hidden from me all this time. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I feel guilty about feeling this way but it’s something I can not stop without help. Maybe this is all something to do with Gender Dysphoria.

Friend of a friend.

[stacis-leak.livejournal.com]

My social circle works via one mechanism. Friends of friends.

It goes like this.

Me: Cthulu Ftagn.

Friend: Wow, you're funny. my other friends would love you.

Me: Etaoin Shrdlu

Other friends: Oh wow, you're hilarious, you should come to our party.

Me: Ba ba ba ba ba. Ba.

Party: Wicked! What's your email address?

And such. Perhaps not quite so quickly, but that's basically it. In the past I've outlined the pros and cons of this, what happens if two people in an intricate network of friends have a messy breakup.
This isn't about that.

My social circle is no longer expanding as it once did.

And here's why.

( No one wants their wider social circle to know they have a tranny friend. )

Normally I try to just get along with these people, surmising that a friend who is ashamed of me is better than an enemy.

( but recently it's reached a breaking point. )