trans | Entries tagged with i'm scared

ftmichael.livejournal.com

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transgender! Please read the tags and memories before posting questions, as your question may well have been answered already.

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kshea333.livejournal.com

Hi all,
I've posted here recently about considering going by a more gender neutral name that can be read either way, and I've slowly started telling close friends and understanding family members about it, which has been helpful and I'm feeling mostly good about this decision. I feel like I already know the answer to these questions, but I wanted to ask them anyway even just to get some validation/support.

1) After you started going by a different name, did it take a while to get used to it, or were you sad about letting go of your birth name?
( more )

kshea333.livejournal.com

Hi all,

I'm new to this community but I've posted before in genderqueer and other LGBTQ journals here before, so I apologize if the beginning part of this post sounds similar. I'm a female-bodied queer person who doesn't really identify with either gender, or rather fluctuates between feeling like a man and feeling like a woman. While my dress reflects this identity fluidity, regardless of what I'm wearing or acting I still have a very femme face, a high-pitched voice, and a "feminine" shape, so it's hard to pass as butch or androgynous when I want to appear that way. Anyway, I've been playing with the idea of using a more gender-neutral name for the last couple years, and this last week or so I've had a really strong feeling of wanting one. Yet I was surprised at how scared I got once this started becoming a reality...

( more behind the cut )

indnor.livejournal.com

I want to hear a few things that people who have successfully transitioned wish they could've told themselves or wish they could've heard. Stress relieving one liners, such as:

--You don't need to live in the shadows. You don't want the stress of a double life.
--You will make new friends who like you just as you are.
--You have a special life with a unique perspective. Appreciate that.

And similar. This idea was suggested to me by a friend I recently made on FB who shared a few things that she came up with in therapy a few years after starting transition that she wished she could've heard at that time.

artemissuicide.livejournal.com

Things have slowed down lately, not in any physical, or emotional sense- things just seem to have more time to get sorted out into a way that makes sense.

From the moment I was born, and even now; my mother has always wanted a little girl. I tried to appease her, really I did... But fact of the matter is, while I may look as real as any girl; I am a boy, and gay as gay can be... Mostly. I don't really know what I am internally, I know I have all the wrong parts, but am content in keeping the few that I have come across. I guess I am a conundrum, whatever.

I have been trying lately to find peace within myself, trying to work with what tools I have been given, and find a sense of what normal means- how I feel when I am 'normal' to me, and what that looks like to the outside world... I am filled with a million questions though. It is easy to label yourself as something, finding other people that fit the label is the hard part. I was wondering if feeling this misplaced has a cure- if there is anywhere to go, or things to do to just be?

This whole cross-gender thing, it fits, but it's never something I've talked to anyone but my mom about... So now I'm kinda lost, I thought posting here might help...

Current Mood: numb

ezraiam.livejournal.com

hey there, i'm ezra, at least on here. i just made this account mostly so i could talk to all you people out there in the trans* community who have had experience with this kind of thing!
so here's the deal...
i'm 19, and have been out as a lesbian for about two years, but i knew way before that i fancied girls. they're just... entrancing. anywho, i just started college and being away from home and friends who have known me since i was 6 has made me question how comfortable i am as a "girl". when i was 8, i prayed to not grow breasts and most of my friends were boys. since then, i buried those feelings. now all year i've been questioning whether i want to live my life as a woman, or as an ftm. i know there's a way to live in between, but honestly that road really does not appeal to me. it seems too vague, for lack of a better explanation and i'm not a vague person. some days i wake up and i've got myself so convinced that i should come out as trans, but then the next day i can't even contemplate being a man full time but the thought of growing up into a woman scares me too.
i want to decide if i'm trans or not, because waking up every day trying to decide which pronoun to use in my head is driving me crazy. i know i didn't do a very good job explaining my mental situation, but i would really appreciate any help.
thanks again!
ezra

Current Mood: confused

hil0.livejournal.com

I have a problem that might cause binding issues, and I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar problem.
I'm a natural DD-cup, and both my breasts have several hard lumps of glandular tissue in them. Because of this I haven't dared trying to bind yet, both in fear of it not working, and in fear of pain, since just lying on my stomach is quite painful.
Has anyone else had similar breasts, and if so, how did binding work? Does anyone know of a "home-made" solution to the problem?

bbjkrss.livejournal.com

Ok, this is kind of a multi-layered entry, 'cause I've been keeping all my anxieties real quiet lately.

I'm starting to go really frustrated about all this. I want to present as male at school, and I've been trying- I've gotten the teachers and a lot of kids that know me to call me Ritchie, but almost no one calls me "he," and even the ones that do are pretty irregular about it. That's the more important part to me, and I get frustrated.

(But at the same time with naming issues- I don't know if I chose the right name.. I like it when my friends call me it, and when a certain person used the name it made me happiest I've ever felt, but then when my dad/stepmom use it... it FRUSTRATES me beyond belief and I really just wish they'd go back to calling me Sarah again. I have no idea why this is, and it scares me, because does it mean anything? Is it just because I was used to my other name for 16 years? I don't know and it's driving me crazy.)

I need to figure out a way to pass better (I did it so well over the summer, why is it going so poorly now?). My voice sucks, and I can't really change that (though it's not particularly high, it gets that way when I'm excited, and I'd really prefer not to speak in a monotone...), but clothing's a huge issue. I really want to buy guy clothes for the winter (like, stylish ones. I think I'm kind of turning into a mildly stereotypical gay guy..) but even smalls are big on me.. but then when I buy "guyish" women's clothes, they show off the female body and I hate it. I don't want to wear baggy clothes, I want to look nice, but I have no safe way of binding right now (can't buy a binder and multiple bras don't always work).

So, yeah. Just really frustrated about everything. And then.. the worst thing of all... the fear that I'm still gonna hate myself even when things start to change. I *want* to love myself, but... I just can't see myself ever being the way I truly want to be.. and that scares me, I guess. Anyone have any advice... for any of these things I just totally ranted about? >.<

Current Mood: frustrated

kriter124.livejournal.com

wasup everybody im kirill or should i say kira.. im not yet a woman but hope to b one.
im going to the doctor on the 1st of sseptember to request hormone replacement therapy.
can somone tell me what to expect from the doctor and what not to expect?
like will he/she just give me the hormones after checking my weight and height or is there some written test. im going in circles thinking about it and the only way to find out is to go there.
this doctor is located in new york city so if anyone has any idea or thoght about it who has gone thru the process please give me some information. thank you
greatly appreciated
bye

thequeerbitch.livejournal.com

I apologize if this post seems irrelevant or something.. I just need to get it off my chest.

( Feeling unattractive as a male. )

And to anyone who read and commented on my last post here, thanks a lot. I introduced myself to my teacher and my classmates as Nate and it went over really well. One person asked me why and I calmly explained I am transgendered and identify as male, her response was "That's cool." haha. All that anxiety for nothing ;p

tauros-asari.livejournal.com

I'm a young woman seriously considering the testosterone treatments. I've had clues all my life, physically and emotionally, and I think that this may be a good choice for me. However, the issues with family is holding me back. My family, although they'll never admit it, is very VERY socially conservative, and I know for a fact that they won't accept this change. For example, I tried coming out of the closet and telling them I was bisexual nearly a year ago, and my mother doesn't even view it as a "phase", no, she thinks it's a "trend". Her belief is that I want to be bi because everyone else is bi, and continues to restrict me based on those grounds, urging me to "rise above everyone else and be myself." My father is not much better, and both my grandmothers would try to disown me if I ever told them. (one nearly disowned her son for marrying a puerto rican woman). This would all be fine and tolerable if I was not living under the same roof as them. Not to mention they're urging me to go to college locally so we can "stay close". If that happens, I'll be trapped in the area forever under their watch. I can't do that and ever be happy, but going far away will risk tensions and becoming transgendered will likely spark all-out hatred and excommunication, as well as taking away all funding for college and my future, which will be a huge roadblock in continuing testosterone and getting surgeries

I'm still 17 so I know I'm not going to get it done yet, but if I do decide to go with the testosterone, I'm scared that my arms will be theoretically bound due to my family's ignorance. What should I do to try and lighten the blow, or at least keep my money safe in case they explode as a back-up plan? Whatever I'm doing now to try and get them to accept my bisexuality isn't working, so I fear for the day (if it comes) when I go trans.

Current Mood: anxious

alinonymous.livejournal.com

hey,
I'm Ali; i'm an eighteen year old preeverything mtf computer science/computer engineering student at university.
while I do have issues with the residence hall that cause me to think that i won't transition socially until i no longer live in it, this post isn't about that. I have a contact in the admissions department (she used to be residence hall director) that would help me with issues pertaining to that.

what this post about is the internet filtering at my uni. residence hall net is reasonably unfettered (as it should be) whereas wireless in the academic buildings is rather filtered. it seems like the filter is doing dumb keyword filtering on "transgender" and "transsexual" which filters many actual support / lgbt community sites while letting some bad ones through.

anyway I could email uni IT about it but I dont want to possibly out myself by emailing from my uni email and I don't know if helpdesk@$UNI honors requests from non-uni accounts which is how I would avoid associating my trans identity with my identity as a student.

What should i do?

ali

ETA: It would be trivial enough for me to bypass the filtering - I just VPN out of uni network - but I am opposed to censorware blocking the free exchange of information and i realise not everyone at uni is as technically proficient as I am. When they research transgender topics then the sites are blocked is not a good thing.

rozzyjane.livejournal.com

Hey everyone,
I've been wanting to post for a while and agonizing about what to say. I think I just need some advice, support, a smack on the back of the head, whatever you're willing to give me.

I'm 22, FtM (holy crap it feels so weird actually saying that) and just came out to my partner. ( Dissolve into evergreens... )

Current Music: Cloud Cult

justtristan.livejournal.com

Hey everyone. I hope I'm posting this in the right area. I'm 20 years old. I'm still semi-in the closet about my gender identity. The world sees me as a woman. But that's not what I'm supposed to be. When I was 8 years old, I told some kids in my class that I was supposed to be a boy. Somehow it managed to work it's way to the principle and then to my step-mom. She was very 'dis-pleased' with me for it. She threw me into cheer leading and dance classes to get me away from that. I was ashamed of my feelings for so long. Up until about 4 years ago, I did my best to push every emotion and feeling I had to the side. Because every single one of them made me realize even more that I'm a guy. But even after that I still hid it. Up until last night.

I approached my birth mom about it. I explained everything to her. Poured it all out. But she only had two things to say. The first one was "But you're a very pretty girl." That killed me. I didn't want to hear her saying that after telling her that I'm a guy. And that's what I told her. Which then led her to "Well there's nothing you can do about it." Which we all know is a lie. But truth be told... I don't have the money for breast reduction surgery, let alone SRS. She refuses to accept it, clearly, since this morning I woke up and she immediately started being all "Oh look my baby girl is awake! I just love her so much." Yes... talking in third person to me and calling me a girl. I hated it.

I just need some guidance from someone who understands. How to I go about my life? I need to live as a male. I can't continue to look at myself in the mirror and see a woman. So... I cross dress. There is a huge issue there. The chest. Binding doesn't work well for me. Size. And I don't particularly know how to go about living as a guy. I've done everything I could my entire life to be as feminine as possible out of shame. I've really messed myself up with that. I need to find myself now. And I need support as I do it. Does anyone have any advice they could give me?

Current Mood: lonely
Current Location: United States, Monroe

a-dub37.livejournal.com

haha TiffanyTourette is my girlfriend... i made a live journal for all of you that said i should. Im super confused. i just want to know who or what i am.. i dont want a dick but i dotn want my tits. im more relaxed when ppl think im a guy but always worried they will find out im a girl. altho someday ima be a mommy or daddy and niether sound right...

kacicake.livejournal.com

Hello all, my name is Kaci, 17 years old, and I just joined this community yesterday in hopes that I can receive help on some issues I'm currently facing. I would also like to say that I'm deeply sorry if I get any of the terms wrong, or I say something that offends anyone. That is not my intention at all. If I say anything wrong or off, just let me know and I'll do my best to remedy it and/or explain myself. :) Anyway, onto the actual post.

( Cut for Length )

Sorry for all of that rambling and what not. Anyway, that's really all I can think of to say about the subject. I'd really appreciate any advice about this.

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: Stadium Love - Metric

girl-kat.livejournal.com

Hi all ....

I've posted a little here so some of you might remember me. I have been on hormones for almost 3 years now. I have had some doubts along the way but I'm still pushing along.

I have been living on my own since earlier this year. Before then, I was given injections by my mother, and only gave my own a few times. Since I moved out, I, have given them to myself. But lately, mostly after the time where I hit a nerve when injecting, I've been really terrified of doing it for myself anymore..... (actually I've been scared the whole time, but I did it anyway). It's actually pretty bad. I cry when I even just think about it, it's out of character for me....

So first, I will say, I don't mind getting injections. I just don't want to give my own anymore. I would prefer injection, I think, because I've been told it is the most effective method and since it also avoids putting any more stress on the liver (I also take oral anti-androgens daily).

So I would like to ask, if anyone has any ideas about what I could do.

I have heard of an oral medication that dissolves on the tongue that doesn't go through the liver; I don't know how much truth is behind that, or how effective it is. Even if it works just as well I have no idea how much it costs.

If there is nothing as effective as injection then, how do I find someone nearby & trans-friendly who can do it for me? I could see my mother, or go to Mazzoni, I think, but they are both 2-3 hours away. Is it unheard of to have a slightly larger dose, but take it less often (I do 1cc per 10 days now)? Then, driving so far, could be practical.

Well.....I guess that's it. =\ Thank you very much in advance for any advice .... and thank you for reading.

Kat.

Current Mood: anxious

marc-87.livejournal.com

I am just so conflicted. I know meeting with my new therapist here in like a week will help but I was hoping I could maybe get some 'help' before then. Just wondering if anyone else felt like I do and where they are now.

I identity more as a guy. It just feels natural and better to me. I feel most comfortable dressed like a guy and I like it when I am mistaken for one. However, I feel like I am betraying someone if I get rid of all of my femininity. I hate dressing in revealing clothing but got use to it because I thought that is what my husband wanted. I will admit he looks at me differently when I do and I like that look but the discomfort I feel in those clothes is just so great, especially now that I am being honest with myself. So, anyways, kinda to my point, I have wanted a breast reduction since they kept growing (2 kids does that to ya). But now I am wondering should I just reduce them or get rid of them since the cost is about the same for both. But I feel bad if I completely get rid of them because I feel like I can't be feminine for my husband then yet I know he doesn't want me doing that.

Anyone else have this kind of internal conflict happen? What did you decide?

Current Mood: confused

oh-hi-adrian.livejournal.com

Okay, I'm FtM trans and I've not yet come out to anyone. I've hinted to a few people about whats going on, but I haven't flat out told anyone that I'm a guy and I want to transition. So basically, I'm scared out of my mind as to what its going to entail, the friends and family I'm going to lose, etc.

I've bound quite a bit before, but its real hard cause quite frankly, I've got a big chest, not real sure what kind of binder to get to accommodate that. Not real sure about anything.
Not sure what transitioning is going to entail entirely.
I mean, I know basics, but I need to know more.
From people who actually know what its like.
And MtF opinions and advice is welcome too.

Another main concern is voice. I have a very feminine voice and I'm also in a band and I'm afraid that even if I do manage to develop a decent masculine voice, that I won't be able to sing with it.

Any advice/support/or anything would be absolutely fantastic.
Basically, I'm just scared and confused, and completely freaked.

Thanks.

--Adrian

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: BMTH

metranome10.livejournal.com

I've been watching the community for a while, and I'm just now working up the nerve to post. I just wanted to say hi to everyone, and tell you a little about myself. I'm 22 (23 in November), and I'm FTM transgender. I've been seeing a great therapist for a while now, and she's helped me by asking me questions and assisting me in building up my confidence. Recently, I told my parents about me, as well as the older of my two younger brothers. The youngest doesn't need to know when he's still in the process of figuring himself out, and my older sister lives in another state, so I'm waiting for the right opportunity to talk to her.

I feel fairly well adjusted for being in a constant state of loathing my own body, and I'm doing whatever I can to feel better about that too, like losing weight and staying well-groomed. My biggest concern is that I've developed a bad female-biology related medical problem in the past couple of years: polycistic ovarian disorder, which led to insulin resistence and low thyroid. The medications I'm on for these three conditions could boost the potential for side effects if I go on testosterone and throw myself into "instant menopause." We're talking bone loss, ovarian and breast cancers, even dementia. But if I stop taking them, I risk ovarian cancer anyway, along with diabetes and a whole slew of other things.

So what I'm asking is this: if you had to choose between being who you really are, and facing the things that could kill you, or living a miserable lie until a ripe old age, which would you take? Some days I want to start T so badly I could cry, but every time I consider the options, I think of the possible consequences. Even if I didn't have the medical BS to deal with, those side effects of inducing early menopause by taking man-sized doses of T still exist. They're just not guaranteed (except probably the bone loss). If I wait until I'm 50 to go on T, it might not even work, and I'll have wasted my whole life. What would the rest of you do?

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Transgender Community

Welcome!

(no subject)

name change - how do you know when to start?

In the beginning stages of transition

<- Doesn't know how to use a journal.

hello

Binding issues

Utterly frustrated

hey wats up

Oh Vanity

Arms are Bound

network filtering at uni

(no subject)

Apparently there's nothing I can do...

help

Confused and Questioning - What the hell am I?

Injection Alternatives and Their Effectiveness

Conflicted

Scared/New/Unsure

Self-Introduction and Question for Community

Profile

March 2018

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