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transHello all, my name is Kaci, 17 years old, and I just joined this community yesterday in hopes that I can receive help on some issues I'm currently facing. I would also like to say that I'm deeply sorry if I get any of the terms wrong, or I say something that offends anyone. That is not my intention at all. If I say anything wrong or off, just let me know and I'll do my best to remedy it and/or explain myself. :) Anyway, onto the actual post.
Lately I've been questioning my gender, something I have never done before. When I was little, I would just outright state I wasn't a girl, no questioning involved. I vaguely remember that when I was young, I was really looking forward to my 5th (or was it my 7th? Can't quite recall) birthday because "That was when I wouldn't be a girl anymore". I was convinced that on that day, I'd be freed from being a girl and I'd be a boy for the rest of my life. Obviously that never happened, as that would be defying pretty much every law of biology. But needless to say, I was pretty disappointed.
However, the true fear and hate of being female didn't reach me fully until I was 8. I guess you could say I started puberty early, since around the age of seven I started developing breasts. At age eight, my breasts were big enough to pretty much demand needing a bra. When my mom told me that, I cried. A lot. I think she might have told me that it was part of being a girl, and that every girl goes through it, which made me more upset. Unfortunately, that's all I can remember about that particular event.
Then came well, the bra. Let's just say that idea was a complete disaster. When my mom was telling me how to put a bra on and trying to get me to wear it, I basically had a huge panic attack and eventually threw up from so much crying. Eventually I settled on wearing only sports bras, and did not wear a real bra until...four or five years later.
I also got upset when I got my first period at the age of 9. It wasn't the whole period thing that upset me though, it was being told that it was a "girl" thing. I think that it's also noteworthy that age 9 is when I first started needing therapy and began experimenting with self injury. Of course, there were other things going on in my life, such as my dad being hospitalized for several months due to MS, but still. I think it's still worth mentioning.
From that point on it was a downward spiral. I honestly don't remember much about that period of my life thanks to my dissociation. :/
Fast forward a couple years.
Nowadays, I happily and comfortably consider myself to be an aromantic asexual. My life has calmed down a lot. However, in therapy, we're reprocessing my memories to help me remember things and not be triggered by seemingly irrelevant things. Well, as I was talking to my one friend, I said something that brought back many things regarding my gender identity growing up. I think it was something like, "I wish I could be genderless and be an amoeba (Joking about the amoeba part of course)."
Now this is where the confusion and questioning comes in.
I know that as a child I wanted to be a boy, but now I'm not so sure. The idea of having a penis absolutely freaks me out, just like having a vagina and breasts freak me out. I once told another friend about this borderline phobia I have of sexual organs. He took it as a joke, as did I. But now I'm wondering, why am I so repulsed by them? I've never had a single bad experience with either of them. They just...scare me for lack of a better word. They scare me, a lot.
It's so weird, I don't mind doing things considered to be feminine. I like putting on make up, I like looking pretty, I love collecting and playing with my dolls, and I like wearing skirts and dresses. I just *hate* doing it in a female body. And I know I don't have self esteem issues because I like myself, for the most part. It's just that I feel so self conscious being considered female. I don't even know why.
I don't really know what's considered masculine though, so I don't know if I enjoy doing masculine things.
It's just that...all the sudden I don't want to be considered female anymore. Aside from my early childhood, and this time period now, I was fairly certain I was a girl in a girl body (cisgendered I believe is the correct term?). It was uncomfortable, and I hated myself, but I just thought it was bad self esteem.
I really don't know anymore. :( I don't know what to do. Should I talk to my therapist about this? Should I forget all of it? I'm so scared! I spent so long trying to be comfortable with myself, and then this happens?
Oh yeah, not to mention that as a child I didn't really have any concept of society's gender boundaries. I never understood why guys can't wear female clothing and girls can't wear male clothing without it being taboo. :/ I don't understand a lot of things that do with gender.
Sorry for all of that rambling and what not. Anyway, that's really all I can think of to say about the subject. I'd really appreciate any advice about this.
Lately I've been questioning my gender, something I have never done before. When I was little, I would just outright state I wasn't a girl, no questioning involved. I vaguely remember that when I was young, I was really looking forward to my 5th (or was it my 7th? Can't quite recall) birthday because "That was when I wouldn't be a girl anymore". I was convinced that on that day, I'd be freed from being a girl and I'd be a boy for the rest of my life. Obviously that never happened, as that would be defying pretty much every law of biology. But needless to say, I was pretty disappointed.
However, the true fear and hate of being female didn't reach me fully until I was 8. I guess you could say I started puberty early, since around the age of seven I started developing breasts. At age eight, my breasts were big enough to pretty much demand needing a bra. When my mom told me that, I cried. A lot. I think she might have told me that it was part of being a girl, and that every girl goes through it, which made me more upset. Unfortunately, that's all I can remember about that particular event.
Then came well, the bra. Let's just say that idea was a complete disaster. When my mom was telling me how to put a bra on and trying to get me to wear it, I basically had a huge panic attack and eventually threw up from so much crying. Eventually I settled on wearing only sports bras, and did not wear a real bra until...four or five years later.
I also got upset when I got my first period at the age of 9. It wasn't the whole period thing that upset me though, it was being told that it was a "girl" thing. I think that it's also noteworthy that age 9 is when I first started needing therapy and began experimenting with self injury. Of course, there were other things going on in my life, such as my dad being hospitalized for several months due to MS, but still. I think it's still worth mentioning.
From that point on it was a downward spiral. I honestly don't remember much about that period of my life thanks to my dissociation. :/
Fast forward a couple years.
Nowadays, I happily and comfortably consider myself to be an aromantic asexual. My life has calmed down a lot. However, in therapy, we're reprocessing my memories to help me remember things and not be triggered by seemingly irrelevant things. Well, as I was talking to my one friend, I said something that brought back many things regarding my gender identity growing up. I think it was something like, "I wish I could be genderless and be an amoeba (Joking about the amoeba part of course)."
Now this is where the confusion and questioning comes in.
I know that as a child I wanted to be a boy, but now I'm not so sure. The idea of having a penis absolutely freaks me out, just like having a vagina and breasts freak me out. I once told another friend about this borderline phobia I have of sexual organs. He took it as a joke, as did I. But now I'm wondering, why am I so repulsed by them? I've never had a single bad experience with either of them. They just...scare me for lack of a better word. They scare me, a lot.
It's so weird, I don't mind doing things considered to be feminine. I like putting on make up, I like looking pretty, I love collecting and playing with my dolls, and I like wearing skirts and dresses. I just *hate* doing it in a female body. And I know I don't have self esteem issues because I like myself, for the most part. It's just that I feel so self conscious being considered female. I don't even know why.
I don't really know what's considered masculine though, so I don't know if I enjoy doing masculine things.
It's just that...all the sudden I don't want to be considered female anymore. Aside from my early childhood, and this time period now, I was fairly certain I was a girl in a girl body (cisgendered I believe is the correct term?). It was uncomfortable, and I hated myself, but I just thought it was bad self esteem.
I really don't know anymore. :( I don't know what to do. Should I talk to my therapist about this? Should I forget all of it? I'm so scared! I spent so long trying to be comfortable with myself, and then this happens?
Oh yeah, not to mention that as a child I didn't really have any concept of society's gender boundaries. I never understood why guys can't wear female clothing and girls can't wear male clothing without it being taboo. :/ I don't understand a lot of things that do with gender.
Sorry for all of that rambling and what not. Anyway, that's really all I can think of to say about the subject. I'd really appreciate any advice about this.
