Self-Introduction and Question for Community

[metranome10.livejournal.com]

I've been watching the community for a while, and I'm just now working up the nerve to post. I just wanted to say hi to everyone, and tell you a little about myself. I'm 22 (23 in November), and I'm FTM transgender. I've been seeing a great therapist for a while now, and she's helped me by asking me questions and assisting me in building up my confidence. Recently, I told my parents about me, as well as the older of my two younger brothers. The youngest doesn't need to know when he's still in the process of figuring himself out, and my older sister lives in another state, so I'm waiting for the right opportunity to talk to her.

I feel fairly well adjusted for being in a constant state of loathing my own body, and I'm doing whatever I can to feel better about that too, like losing weight and staying well-groomed. My biggest concern is that I've developed a bad female-biology related medical problem in the past couple of years: polycistic ovarian disorder, which led to insulin resistence and low thyroid. The medications I'm on for these three conditions could boost the potential for side effects if I go on testosterone and throw myself into "instant menopause." We're talking bone loss, ovarian and breast cancers, even dementia. But if I stop taking them, I risk ovarian cancer anyway, along with diabetes and a whole slew of other things.

So what I'm asking is this: if you had to choose between being who you really are, and facing the things that could kill you, or living a miserable lie until a ripe old age, which would you take? Some days I want to start T so badly I could cry, but every time I consider the options, I think of the possible consequences. Even if I didn't have the medical BS to deal with, those side effects of inducing early menopause by taking man-sized doses of T still exist. They're just not guaranteed (except probably the bone loss). If I wait until I'm 50 to go on T, it might not even work, and I'll have wasted my whole life. What would the rest of you do?