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May. 24th, 2012 04:31 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
kshea333.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transHi all,
I've posted here recently about considering going by a more gender neutral name that can be read either way, and I've slowly started telling close friends and understanding family members about it, which has been helpful and I'm feeling mostly good about this decision. I feel like I already know the answer to these questions, but I wanted to ask them anyway even just to get some validation/support.
1) After you started going by a different name, did it take a while to get used to it, or were you sad about letting go of your birth name?
One person who commented on my last post said they had similar feelings and that made me feel better, but I'm finding that even though it's been almost a month of me using my preferred name, I still slip up sometimes and start to introduce myself as my birth name, or there's a part of me that's sad and is going to miss my birth name and it makes me have second thoughts. Not that I'd be 100% happy with using my birth name because it is read as solely feminine, so backing out of the whole thing wouldn't make everything better either, I guess I just didn't expect to also feel sadness and anxiety over this like I am. I thought those feelings would go away once I made the decision to change my name.
2) Did coming to terms with your genderqueer/trans-ness and finally accepting it as part of yourself ever come with an urge to rethink *everything* about your gender identity, or even make you feel like you've convinced yourself into this? I know that sounds weird, it sounds weird when I think it and write it, but basically I've never before wished that I fit into one gender box before. I'd always felt most comfortable drifting between the two and having a sort of genderfluid/genderless identity with the knowledge that it's all a social construct. But as I've been talking to others about this more, there are people that seem to feel one gender or the other, and for the first time I'm really jealous of that confidence and sureness. There's a teeny, possibly internalized transphobic part of me that wonders if I tried harder to be more of a woman that I'd feel comfortable with it and not have to go through this coming out process. I second guess every decision I make, and there's normally a feeling of dread/fear/panic after I make any big decision that I generally come to love and that am so happy I stuck with that decision, and I'm just trusting that this is another manifestation of that and that in a few months or a year or so I'll be so happy I finally did this and be more confident in myself. But right now it's just so scary. I know everyone's experience is different, but for me this process is *way* harder than coming out as queer/lesbian.
I've posted here recently about considering going by a more gender neutral name that can be read either way, and I've slowly started telling close friends and understanding family members about it, which has been helpful and I'm feeling mostly good about this decision. I feel like I already know the answer to these questions, but I wanted to ask them anyway even just to get some validation/support.
1) After you started going by a different name, did it take a while to get used to it, or were you sad about letting go of your birth name?
One person who commented on my last post said they had similar feelings and that made me feel better, but I'm finding that even though it's been almost a month of me using my preferred name, I still slip up sometimes and start to introduce myself as my birth name, or there's a part of me that's sad and is going to miss my birth name and it makes me have second thoughts. Not that I'd be 100% happy with using my birth name because it is read as solely feminine, so backing out of the whole thing wouldn't make everything better either, I guess I just didn't expect to also feel sadness and anxiety over this like I am. I thought those feelings would go away once I made the decision to change my name.
2) Did coming to terms with your genderqueer/trans-ness and finally accepting it as part of yourself ever come with an urge to rethink *everything* about your gender identity, or even make you feel like you've convinced yourself into this? I know that sounds weird, it sounds weird when I think it and write it, but basically I've never before wished that I fit into one gender box before. I'd always felt most comfortable drifting between the two and having a sort of genderfluid/genderless identity with the knowledge that it's all a social construct. But as I've been talking to others about this more, there are people that seem to feel one gender or the other, and for the first time I'm really jealous of that confidence and sureness. There's a teeny, possibly internalized transphobic part of me that wonders if I tried harder to be more of a woman that I'd feel comfortable with it and not have to go through this coming out process. I second guess every decision I make, and there's normally a feeling of dread/fear/panic after I make any big decision that I generally come to love and that am so happy I stuck with that decision, and I'm just trusting that this is another manifestation of that and that in a few months or a year or so I'll be so happy I finally did this and be more confident in myself. But right now it's just so scary. I know everyone's experience is different, but for me this process is *way* harder than coming out as queer/lesbian.