Friend of a friend.

[stacis-leak.livejournal.com]

My social circle works via one mechanism. Friends of friends.

It goes like this.

Me: Cthulu Ftagn.

Friend: Wow, you're funny. my other friends would love you.

Me: Etaoin Shrdlu

Other friends: Oh wow, you're hilarious, you should come to our party.

Me: Ba ba ba ba ba. Ba.

Party: Wicked! What's your email address?

And such. Perhaps not quite so quickly, but that's basically it. In the past I've outlined the pros and cons of this, what happens if two people in an intricate network of friends have a messy breakup.
This isn't about that.

My social circle is no longer expanding as it once did.

And here's why.


It never really bothered me at first because my social circle was primarily made up of outcast types, goths and such, for whom knowing people who were shunned by mass society was actually a social bonus. I got to meet loads of people.

But lately I've started to hit barriers. Boundaries. The one I get most often is people who think I'm great and fully support me but don't want me near their kids. As if I'm going to WHAT exactly?

I don't fully understand where the threat comes from with the mass transphobia. We don't advertise, we're not recruiting, and in the case of transwomen we're hardly about to go on some kind of sexual rampage whilst on a quest to be emasculated. I've heard odd things about what testosterone does to the sex drive of transmen but I've heard of exactly zero cases where it's lead to sexual assault.

We're not a threat.

The argument I hear most often is that they don't want me to meet their family members because "They wouldn't understand".

Going by that logic, no one who hasn't learned to read should be allowed near books. How are these youngsters ever going to understand if they're kept sheltered?

All I can think is that they're scared that knowing gender reassignment exists might make their kids want it. Frankly if your kids need it, they'd be better off knowing it's an option.

The one I REALLY don't understand is those who want to keep me away from elderly relatives or other adults. I think it's a pretty fucking sad state of affairs when this country has such a deeply institutionalised transphobia that people are worried about being discriminated against because they KNOW me. Like my existence and small degree of separation from them is their biggest secret.

Normally I try to just get along with these people, surmising that a friend who is ashamed of me is better than an enemy.

But there's one situation in my life right now where compromise... isn't really going to be possible.

I still dread to think what's going to happen when I'm outed to Rebecca's father. I have no doubt he has the connections and the wrath to make me disappear, painfully. If one day I wake up duct-taped to a chair with gender slurs carved into my skin and a large angry mob ready to chop me up and feed me to alligators, I'll have three thoughts before they finish me off.

The first will be that Becca's father found out.

The second will be a slight feeling of vindication at having not told him earlier.

The third will be ouch.

But that's just my opinion. His wife is from Thailand, he probably knows more of the culture there than the average westerner and as such he's probably seen many more transsexuals than a woman living up in the Yorkshire dales. That doesn't mean he's going to be more accepting or understanding than Becca's mother, but it does mean he'll have at least a little knowledge when it comes to gender mismatch.

I've recently had a few arguments with Becca's mother, and she didn't want me to ever speak to or visit her or the family ever again at one point.

That was a week ago, and now I've been told I can visit, but only if I present male, and they'll never use my new name. Them's the rules. It comes as no surprise that part of this is me never visiting Becca's sister who (surprise surprise) has two young children, Amy and Andrew. Considering how keen Andrew is to play with Amy's dolls I've actually got a slight inclination to stay away, just so they know it's not my fault when the time comes.

The thing is, I've already said that for the time being, yes okay, I still present male at home for my parents so I guess I can manage it for everyone else. In fact some places I HAVE to arrive presenting male because there's nowhere to change between the house and there.

But in the future, when I'm full time, presenting female to everyone and with my ID all sorted (I give it about 4 weeks) I don't want to have to throw all that away to visit people who wan to treat me like a dirty little secret.

I'm perfectly happy with only seeing my parents once in a blue moon when no one else is in the house and I can arrive by cover of darkness so no one sees that they've got a TS daughter.

But Becca is very very family oriented. Her family is going to want to come to our civil union, they're going to want to visit lots. Becca's family, specifically her mother's side, is practically unavoidable.

When I see her this weekend (presenting male of course) I will apparently be expected to apologise for turning up unannounced in female attire. I can of course apologise for not 'warning' her, but I get the horrible feeling I'm going to let my morals get the better of me, and tell her that I cant apologise unless I feel truly sorry, and I don't because i don't feel like I did anything wrong. I'm just so sick of hiding, I don't want to have to pretend I'm sorry for the heinous crime of just being ME.

Rebecca's mother has stated that she doesn't want Becca to have to choose between her family and me. That's real big of her. Instead I get the feeling she'll make me choose between being part of the family and being part of myself.

Maybe I'm just paranoid but believe it or not, I'm quite accustomed to the kinds of mind-games mothers play on their children. I'm also coming up with strategies to beat them. I've told Rebecca that if she ever has to choose, she should choose her mother.

Hearts and minds, people.

The trouble is I would REALLY love it if I could just have one aspect of my life which wasn't a fucking psychological strategy.

What the hell should I say when I get to Rebecca's mother's house?