trans | (no subject)

So I got in touch with a counseling center today, and have an intake appointment scheduled for next week. I'm going to start seeing a therapist to figure out this snaggy, naggy gender-osity inside me, and what would be best for me to do about it. I'm simultaneously excited and scared. I'm just wrapping my mind around accepting myself. I have a hard time not thinking I'm crazy, honestly...I read so much stuff about some trans peoples' experiences in which they've known since childhood that something was off, or whatever. But my questioning of my gender identity hasn't been in the forefront of my life, although it's been happening for a few years, I suppose. Or something. I've known since I was fourteen or fifteen that I'm reaaaaally feminine, but at the time I didn't understand how gender identity was separate from biological sex. I had never done any research on what it meant to be transgender or gender dysphoric; I just thought I was a particularly feminine guy, and was mostly okay with it.

Lately, though (I'm 21 now), I've totally become much unhappier with my biological male-ness, and starting really researching transgenderism and whatnot. One one hand, I totally identify as out of place in a male body, and have ALWAYS felt out of place in a male social role, and want to be female both physically and socially. On the other hand, I've been so fixed in the notion of seeing myself (albeit never with complete satisfaction) as a femmy guy (emphasis on guy) for so long that I can't help but completely question and second guess myself. I feel like I'm playing this huge joke on myself. It's driving me crazy... I really hope therapy helps me sort some of this out.

All I know for sure is that I'm no longer at a point where doing nothing is okay. I either need to sort myself out psychologically and regain some sense of comfort in a male body, or I need to start some physical changes. Man, this is hard to deal with.