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trans2007-11-24 02:05 am
styggian-nights.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2007-11-24 02:05 am
(no subject)
I go by Jes. I don't know what I would prefer to call myself, but I have some ideas.
Anyway, I've known I was in the wrong body since I was a kid. I remember being 7 years old and feeling I was wrong. The thought of growing breasts made me feel so incredibly self-conscious that I would slouch badly, wear big baggy clothes, and constantly try to hide it with my arms. Menstruation was a horror that always made me feel gross, dirty. I didn't look forward to either and even still I hate it. When I was a teenager and I started having my hair cut short, I actually had people mistake me for a boy. At the time it was aggravating because it was embarassing and people would pick on me for it, even if that was what I felt like on the inside.
I've been struggling with it for so long, and for so many years I toed the line along with society and pretended to be straight, dated boys, even got married for 5 years during an 8 year relationship. I tried to pretend and tried to be a wife, but over time it just started to wear on me too much and eventually it all crumbled around me to the point I refused to be close to him and refused sex. For the longest time I claimed I was bisexual but that was never quite right because the gender wasn't right. I feel like a male on the inside, but still bisexual. It feel so complicated sometimes, and yet so simple at other times.
The other day I placed an order with underworks for one of the compression shirts and a shaper boxerbrief thing to wear around the house. I'm a 36DD so there's no way I can ever properly hide my chest, I just can't imagine it, but hopefully it will help to a degree that I'll feel more comfortable. I also bought some things from early2bed, a packer, a pnp, and a strap. Hopefully they'll all arrive next week. I am crazy excited for them to arrive and can't wait to try them out.
Anyway, that's me. I don't know what else I should say.
I am interested in connecting with people who know what it's like and who could commisserate I guess. I've not known any trans personally but I have been reading online comms and websitesa\bout trans for over 10 years. I feel a little isolated and alone because even though I know people who are tolerant about it and I trust them, but they don't really understand it on the same level.
Questions, comments, whatever, I'm game :) I'm not big on chatting on aim and so on, but anyone can feel free to say hi anyway.
Anyway, I've known I was in the wrong body since I was a kid. I remember being 7 years old and feeling I was wrong. The thought of growing breasts made me feel so incredibly self-conscious that I would slouch badly, wear big baggy clothes, and constantly try to hide it with my arms. Menstruation was a horror that always made me feel gross, dirty. I didn't look forward to either and even still I hate it. When I was a teenager and I started having my hair cut short, I actually had people mistake me for a boy. At the time it was aggravating because it was embarassing and people would pick on me for it, even if that was what I felt like on the inside.
I've been struggling with it for so long, and for so many years I toed the line along with society and pretended to be straight, dated boys, even got married for 5 years during an 8 year relationship. I tried to pretend and tried to be a wife, but over time it just started to wear on me too much and eventually it all crumbled around me to the point I refused to be close to him and refused sex. For the longest time I claimed I was bisexual but that was never quite right because the gender wasn't right. I feel like a male on the inside, but still bisexual. It feel so complicated sometimes, and yet so simple at other times.
The other day I placed an order with underworks for one of the compression shirts and a shaper boxerbrief thing to wear around the house. I'm a 36DD so there's no way I can ever properly hide my chest, I just can't imagine it, but hopefully it will help to a degree that I'll feel more comfortable. I also bought some things from early2bed, a packer, a pnp, and a strap. Hopefully they'll all arrive next week. I am crazy excited for them to arrive and can't wait to try them out.
Anyway, that's me. I don't know what else I should say.
I am interested in connecting with people who know what it's like and who could commisserate I guess. I've not known any trans personally but I have been reading online comms and websitesa\bout trans for over 10 years. I feel a little isolated and alone because even though I know people who are tolerant about it and I trust them, but they don't really understand it on the same level.
Questions, comments, whatever, I'm game :) I'm not big on chatting on aim and so on, but anyone can feel free to say hi anyway.