trans | hi I'm new

hi my name is Cullen. But you are the only people who know me as Cullen because the world still sees a female when they look at me. This is because I am small and generally girly looking I guess. Also I don't do much to try and dispell others' notions by either fashion, behaviors, etc. I even carry a purse sometimes to try and force myself to be more my physical gender because when i look at myself in the mirror I don't see how I could ever make the world take this little 5' girl seriously as a man.

I have also compounded the problem for myself by joining the army a few months ago so. Reserve but still when I drill I must maintain a female appearance.

I feel very antisocial lately. I hate going out in public in a body that is so uncomfortable to me. It is the worst feeling. A lot
of times I can't even bring myself to go to the store. I feel suicidal sometimes because it seems easier a lot of times than dealing with this.

I also sort of want to try and get moving on this before it is too late, but am afraid no
one will take me seriously. I am so sad right now. Fortunately I am at the doctor right now because I couldn't bring myself to go to drill this morning. Maybe I should bring it up but I
am scared.

Anyway, a very selfpity filled first post. Sorry if you read this far.