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trans2010-06-14 12:14 pm
rozzyjane.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2010-06-14 12:14 pm
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Hey everyone,
I've been wanting to post for a while and agonizing about what to say. I think I just need some advice, support, a smack on the back of the head, whatever you're willing to give me.
I'm 22, FtM (holy crap it feels so weird actually saying that) and just came out to my partner.
I had been lying to myself for a long time. I really started hating myself. Just wishing I could be "normal". I just wanted to be the cool girl all my guy friends think I am. "oh if I only I could do this/ be like this...look at (awesome female role model) She's cool. You could be like her."
But of course it wasn't working at all and I'm finally accepting that I'm transgendered and lying to myself is just gross. So that's where I'm at. The depression, though, is getting overwhelming. I've nearly lost my job because of it, I'm putting a huge strain on my relationship, and this beautiful midwest summer is passing by and I'm just looking at it through a fog.
My partner is a cismale (correct term, yeah?) and considers himself straight. He's been incredibly receptive to me coming out. He even told me that when we first started dating he thought I was a post-everything MtF and he had already decided that that didn't matter to him. He's wary though. I'm wary. I don't want to lose him. He told me he was okay with me taking testosterone. He said, "i don't care if your voice drops, or you get hairier or anything. This is your life and you don't need to spend it in a body that feels like a prison. But I still want to think of you as my wife."
I don't really care about the pronoun business, I even have no intention of changing my name (I love my birth name and it can be shortened to be more masculine anyway) I just want to be happy with my body. I want to look awesome in a button-up shirt and tie. I don't want to have to tell the lady at the bowling alley that, "I'm a size 8 IN MENS. " :| But I don't want to lose my boyfriend either. I want to grow old with him and live in a little house in the rural midwest and have an awesome garden and a pit bull named Sluggo.
I just...can I have both please?
I am trying to stand up straight but it's hard when I can't think of anything to do besides go back to bed. I want to live again.
I've been wanting to post for a while and agonizing about what to say. I think I just need some advice, support, a smack on the back of the head, whatever you're willing to give me.
I'm 22, FtM (holy crap it feels so weird actually saying that) and just came out to my partner.
I had been lying to myself for a long time. I really started hating myself. Just wishing I could be "normal". I just wanted to be the cool girl all my guy friends think I am. "oh if I only I could do this/ be like this...look at (awesome female role model) She's cool. You could be like her."
But of course it wasn't working at all and I'm finally accepting that I'm transgendered and lying to myself is just gross. So that's where I'm at. The depression, though, is getting overwhelming. I've nearly lost my job because of it, I'm putting a huge strain on my relationship, and this beautiful midwest summer is passing by and I'm just looking at it through a fog.
My partner is a cismale (correct term, yeah?) and considers himself straight. He's been incredibly receptive to me coming out. He even told me that when we first started dating he thought I was a post-everything MtF and he had already decided that that didn't matter to him. He's wary though. I'm wary. I don't want to lose him. He told me he was okay with me taking testosterone. He said, "i don't care if your voice drops, or you get hairier or anything. This is your life and you don't need to spend it in a body that feels like a prison. But I still want to think of you as my wife."
I don't really care about the pronoun business, I even have no intention of changing my name (I love my birth name and it can be shortened to be more masculine anyway) I just want to be happy with my body. I want to look awesome in a button-up shirt and tie. I don't want to have to tell the lady at the bowling alley that, "I'm a size 8 IN MENS. " :| But I don't want to lose my boyfriend either. I want to grow old with him and live in a little house in the rural midwest and have an awesome garden and a pit bull named Sluggo.
I just...can I have both please?
I am trying to stand up straight but it's hard when I can't think of anything to do besides go back to bed. I want to live again.