trans | (no subject)

As I have mentioned in the past in my journal, I have felt, since I was quite young, that I would much rather be female than male. To the extent that, about a decade ago, I was researching the steps that would be needed to make that change.

Then I met Rosie, my beloved and dear wife. During the course of our courtship, I had discussed this with her. At the time, what with forming an international romance, considering moving so far away from her parents and all, as well as having a transgendered friend who was, erm, less than a stunning example of sanity, she expressed that she would not be able to cope with such a thing.

Well, really, given a choice between Rosie and just about anything else in the world, I did what any sane person would do, and happily buried the entire gender issue as deep as I could. Sure, over the years I've talked now and then about the overall desire, especially watching other good friends go through the process. (Hi

ysabel)! And I don't exactly have much to complain about! We have two wonderful kids, a solid, working marriage, and wonderful families in both Australia and America. And I wouldn't trade the kids or Rosie for anything!

Still, when another friend of ours recently determined herself to be TG, and started going through the preliminary steps... Watching her start trying out new things, getting in to see a counsellor, getting herself on hormones, starting to plan ahead for the eventual surgery... It is hard not to be jealous. And this wonderfully strong woman is doing all this while still in the throes of getting out of an incompatible relationship... It was hard not to be jealous. Still, I didn't really think about it too much, just worked on helping her however I could. I even offered (And have tentatively been accepted!) to accompany her to Thailand when she is ready, where the lovely Dr. Suporn will do the work. To me, it was a great opportunity to go to Thailand, as it is not somewhere me and mine will ever likely get to vacation in; the peanut is a staple food there, and as we all know, peanuts kill my son, if not y daughter. Not that it would be just a vacation or anything; recovery from SRS is non-trivial, and not something that should be undertaken alone if there is an alternative. I know a lot of what

ysabel went through. And I figured, heck, I've been through two children being born, at Rosie's side the whole time, and was never bothered by it, so I can certainly cope well enough with this! And, again, if I was a little jealous, at least I was expressing it constructively. :)

Of course, Gwen, Ysabel, and most of my friends on Shattered (A social MUSH run by

fenton) know my desires and jealousies, and in this case, better than I do. Especially Gwen, who is so close to where I am in life, and whom I have confided a bit in about these things recently. She even went so far, at one point, to tell me she didn't think I would be male in 5 years. And when Rosie started asking her questions in private, well.. She nudged things in the appropriate directions.

See, apparently Rosie does not recall, way back when, making that comment. And certainly didn't think it would be such a mandate to me to stop delving into these things! And with so many saner TG friends around these days, she was just shocked to think that I thought she wouldn't be OK, as she would have been... For a very long time now.

And so the floodgates opened! In the space of 24-48 hours, I went from a happy, content, if somewhat suppressed life, to... well, planning. And plotting. And deciding.

So, yes. At this point, we have decided to wholeheartedly move forward! I have an appointment in early March with a local psychologist who specialises in transgender issues. She takes one new patient per week, hence the wait. In the meantime, we are reading, and researching, and planning. It is overwhelming, and scary, and going so fast, yet so painfully slow. I mean... March? Just to see a therapist? Aie.

Still, we aren't letting it daunt us. We have a lot to do, and we know it will take time. For one thing, even though Dr. S is the best there is, he's certainly not cheap. Research is showing that, just for the Thailand part when we get there, we will likely be looking at around US$18000. That is, to say the least, not cheap, and we have no idea how we will manage that. It will be at least 2 years, we are sure, before we can. Maybe less if we get lucky and actually get the money my brother owes us, but with his job going away in March, that does not seem terribly likely.

Meanwhile, we will get lots to do. We will get to research legalities, and clothing, and figure out how to deal with the families and kids and all that. And that all starts much sooner. In fact, part of the point of this post is because I am about to be very mean and introduce my beloved aunt to my livejournal... Which is going to teach her many things about Rosie and I that she likely never knew or wanted to know. Still, if anyone in my US family will be able to cope with this, it is her. And she will, I am hoping, be able to help me, both in moral support and in figuring out how to break the news to the rest of the family.

See, my AU family is likely to be a lot easier. Love my US family as I do, they are on the conservative side of the democratic party, and as such... Well, there is a good chance that this decision will mean most of them want nothing to do with me and mine. And I would be lying if I said that did not scare me. It does. I love my family, very much. I miss them terribly. But... This needs doing, and with the support of the people who most matter (Rosie and the kids), I am willing to risk the rest.

I guess that is about all I have to say at this point. We'll see what happens from here! It should be an exciting and fulfilling ride... And a scary one, to be sure!

EDIT: Forgot to tack on music and mood and stuff, and added the cut tag