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girlabomination.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trans2005-04-01 02:05 pm
girlabomination.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2005-04-01 02:05 pm
Where are we going?
Something enters my mind every now and then that I wonder if is true for other transgender people. That is... within my mind I have a very clear, very distinct image of myself as a woman. I tend to refer to it as my "Anima" but then, distinguishing between anima and animus becomes somewhat difficult for somene who is TG (Yeah, I'm a Carl Jung fan). I have been drawing her since I first started drawing, I have been writing characters that look like her since I was in ... either middle or high school, and most recently I created an image of her in photoshop that looks more like a real person than an anime character You can see it on my user info page -- a few people tell me that she looks like she could be a sister. This is probabally because I used a few of my current features in constructing her. :) Afterall, she is me. I speak in the 3rd person while exploring my soul because there are so many different parts -- it's easier to navigate that way.
Needless to say, if I were faced with a lineup I could pick her out among women with similiar features. When I am not actively looking at myself, or thinking about myself I accept that appearance as my own. For example while chatting with someone in messanger or in a chat room I'll say something like "Hey, we blondes aren't that bad, it's the fake ones you have to worry about!" in response to a dumb blonde comment -- not because I'm lying or trying to mislead, but because it feels more genuine than anything else to say about my appearance. When I settled on her name it wasn't like naming a child it was "Of course she's a Justine. What else would she be?" but then, perhaps that's because over half of the new people I meet that see my name in writing add an an E at the end. Perhaps it's the collective unconscious at work (more Jung, mwa huh huh -- I adore his model of the mind and universe).
Furthermore I often feel "phantom" sensations which are somewhat difficult to describe. The best way perhaps is to compare to "phantom pains" that amputees sometimes experience in the limbs that they no longer have. That is, I'll brush or blow hair out of my face when in body I have the buddhist monk or kemotherapy (spelling?) look going, while expriencing sexual fantasies I seem to be feeling through parts that I don't have in body, and my skin "feels" smooth in some areas (fore arms thighs, etc) until I make a point to actually explore the physical body.
All of this is opposed to a more general feeling that a person is a physical embodyment of the wrong gender. "I should look more ike a woman, and that's not this." This is somewhat difficult for me to put well into words because I'm trying not to sound condescending -- it's not my intention. Ahh.. OK here's a better way to phrase it. F => M TG people can swap the words man and woman if they'd like to make it more applicable. :)
"Are you a woman possessing a masculine shell, or is it more accurate to say that you identify more as a specific woman in a divergant body?"
I'd really like to hear what people have to say to this. I sometimes wonder if I just have a wyld (I tried typing wild, but it looked better with a "y") mind, or if perhaps it's fairly common for others in our community to experience the same things.
Needless to say, if I were faced with a lineup I could pick her out among women with similiar features. When I am not actively looking at myself, or thinking about myself I accept that appearance as my own. For example while chatting with someone in messanger or in a chat room I'll say something like "Hey, we blondes aren't that bad, it's the fake ones you have to worry about!" in response to a dumb blonde comment -- not because I'm lying or trying to mislead, but because it feels more genuine than anything else to say about my appearance. When I settled on her name it wasn't like naming a child it was "Of course she's a Justine. What else would she be?" but then, perhaps that's because over half of the new people I meet that see my name in writing add an an E at the end. Perhaps it's the collective unconscious at work (more Jung, mwa huh huh -- I adore his model of the mind and universe).
Furthermore I often feel "phantom" sensations which are somewhat difficult to describe. The best way perhaps is to compare to "phantom pains" that amputees sometimes experience in the limbs that they no longer have. That is, I'll brush or blow hair out of my face when in body I have the buddhist monk or kemotherapy (spelling?) look going, while expriencing sexual fantasies I seem to be feeling through parts that I don't have in body, and my skin "feels" smooth in some areas (fore arms thighs, etc) until I make a point to actually explore the physical body.
All of this is opposed to a more general feeling that a person is a physical embodyment of the wrong gender. "I should look more ike a woman, and that's not this." This is somewhat difficult for me to put well into words because I'm trying not to sound condescending -- it's not my intention. Ahh.. OK here's a better way to phrase it. F => M TG people can swap the words man and woman if they'd like to make it more applicable. :)
"Are you a woman possessing a masculine shell, or is it more accurate to say that you identify more as a specific woman in a divergant body?"
I'd really like to hear what people have to say to this. I sometimes wonder if I just have a wyld (I tried typing wild, but it looked better with a "y") mind, or if perhaps it's fairly common for others in our community to experience the same things.