trans | I feel like a bad person

It used to be I loved hanging out with transgirls and boys. They were "my people." And I could usually relate to everyone. Usually I could talk to someone needing helping for hours at a time. Helping people get their insurance to cover their shit, seeing of college plans cover trans needs, looking of resources locally and researching their reputations. Talking about hormones and plans for dealing with folks and issues.

You know being a good big sister. All the stuff anyone would do for friends in need. I'm begining to really get tired of this shit. I'm begining to get a little bitter, and thinking at times stuff like: oh for fucks sake, do your own research its not hard, have some self confidence, ect ect.

And I take a step back and wonder what the hell am I doing. I never had anyone do that sorta thing for me and as someone who can relate as I've been there, it should be my duty to help those like me. I mean I've had support groups and stuff but no one helped me wade through the mine field that is insurance/healthcare and family.

But the other half of it is this: I pass now, I want to get on with my life and away from the trans community. I am really comming to hate being the out transgirl. Every time I confide in someone word gets out within that circle of friends. I get treated differently, people's views change, usually for the better but I'd rather just be a woman among women. I don't want to be some sort of token transgirl in the crowd. I want out, I want stealth, but isn't that really selfish?

But even writing these words depresses the hell out of me. I ask what I've become if I'm abandoning "my people."

I wonder often now if I'm a good person anymore. Or was I ever if I am capable of such thoughts. I feel like such a jerk.