trans | 6-6-06 drawing to a close

it seems an auspicious moment to think of philisphical thoughts. TO think about life, adn what it means. Much of my life for the past few years has been about change. It's been about sifting though emotional sludge and trying to find answers. I do this not only b/c i'm a transexual, but b/c I"m tired of hurting. I"m tired of being sad. I'm tired of feeling worthless, unwanted, unloved, and other such "icky" feelings. So I've been digging. On one hand i feel not much has changed. On the other, when i stop an dthink about it, it's lik ei'm --at the very least-- on the verge of a whole new world! I can see it glimmering just beyond where i can see. It's as if i KNOW it's there, even if i can't see it.
My transition itself i started on faith when I thoguth i was all but dead anyway. Faith, that itw ould somehow work out and that if i didn't do it NOW, it would never be "the same" as it could be. There's some extra fear associated with that faith, esspecially since i dont proscribe to much of the dogma thats out there, but it's faith non the less...and i suppose, when i break it down, whats most frightening, it's really faith in myself.
anyway. Life. I dont know what it means, i just know I want to be happy. I know happy doestn' come from damnation...not damning msyelf or damning other people, for who am I to judge? I mean really? I"m just a human trying to get along. How can i truely comprehend the workings of the Divine? how can i truely comprehend a being that created every single thing that exists? I need to learn to not be so judgemental to myself =0)
so on 6-6-06, the day of "omen"...which i've not seen btw...realize that most of the devils and demons that are out there, are the ones that we've created.

always

Mikaela

crossposted to

tgirlvalentine,

ozarks_tg,

transgender,

mtf