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trans2006-12-15 06:29 pm
lovelyangel.livejournal.com) wrote in trans2006-12-15 06:29 pm
Entry tags:
Head Over Heels
(cross-posted from my personal journal)
For the past eleven years, I've been active in the trans community and have met a lot of people. Brave people. Broken people. Amazing people. I listen to as many stories as I can. And I find that there are two groups of people I look after. The first are the newcomers to the community. Often they are scared, guilt-ridden, and insecure. The sad thing about gatherings for NWGA and Esprit is that the more experienced gals oftentimes are too wrapped up in their own agendas and circles of friends to give enough attention to the neophytes. I make an extra effort to reach out to the newcomers sitting by themselves outside the center of activity. It's hard for me to do, but I think reaching out is very important.
The other group of people that I'm very protective of are the spouses and partners of the transfolk. They are the ones who nearly always have been badly hurt and shaken. Their pain is oftentimes ignored or discounted. I always talk to the partner and ask to hear her story or feelings. The euphoria of the transperson is frequently mirrored by a sorrow or hurt in the spouse.
To be honest, I don't know if I make a difference for either of these two types of people. I offer a few moments of sincere, focused attention to people who surely need more than what I can provide at a monthly meeting or a meal at a convention. What they need is frequent, heartfelt care from their partners, spouses, and close friends and family. But I persist. Indeed, this is the main reason I continued to attend NWGA meetings long after I passed the need for a social outlet and education.
Of all the transgender conferences in the U.S., the one with the greatest support for spouses and partners is Esprit. Years ago Esprit pioneered a partner track under the guidance of Dr. Sandra Cole -- an incredible, brilliant, compassionate lady. Consequently, I've been able to meet a sizeable number of couples comprising at least one gender-variant partner. A large proportion of those couples were destined for separation. But I've also met couples who had a rock-solid relationship. What that generally means is that I've met some absolutely amazing partners of transfolk. And they are. Rare. Incredible. Loving. Strong. Independent.
And of course, they aren't always strong. They went through the rough times in every bit as much pain and sorrow as all other partners of transfolk. They shrieked and cried, venting anger, grieving over their loss, doubting themselves -- doubting everything, I imagine. And they came through on the other side of the darkness. And they made the relationship work.
I can't express how much I am in awe of these women who suffer, die, then lift themselves up and generate enough love to save an intimate relationship. I'm honored to have met some of these women, and I am humbled.
Now there is a book with the voices of these women: Head Over Heels: Wives Who Stay With Cross-Dressers and Transsexuals by Virginia Erhardt, PhD. I have not read the book, but I've received a strong recommendation by one of the thirty women who was interviewed for the book. A work like this is long overdue, but I'm glad it's finally available.
For the past eleven years, I've been active in the trans community and have met a lot of people. Brave people. Broken people. Amazing people. I listen to as many stories as I can. And I find that there are two groups of people I look after. The first are the newcomers to the community. Often they are scared, guilt-ridden, and insecure. The sad thing about gatherings for NWGA and Esprit is that the more experienced gals oftentimes are too wrapped up in their own agendas and circles of friends to give enough attention to the neophytes. I make an extra effort to reach out to the newcomers sitting by themselves outside the center of activity. It's hard for me to do, but I think reaching out is very important.
The other group of people that I'm very protective of are the spouses and partners of the transfolk. They are the ones who nearly always have been badly hurt and shaken. Their pain is oftentimes ignored or discounted. I always talk to the partner and ask to hear her story or feelings. The euphoria of the transperson is frequently mirrored by a sorrow or hurt in the spouse.
To be honest, I don't know if I make a difference for either of these two types of people. I offer a few moments of sincere, focused attention to people who surely need more than what I can provide at a monthly meeting or a meal at a convention. What they need is frequent, heartfelt care from their partners, spouses, and close friends and family. But I persist. Indeed, this is the main reason I continued to attend NWGA meetings long after I passed the need for a social outlet and education.
Of all the transgender conferences in the U.S., the one with the greatest support for spouses and partners is Esprit. Years ago Esprit pioneered a partner track under the guidance of Dr. Sandra Cole -- an incredible, brilliant, compassionate lady. Consequently, I've been able to meet a sizeable number of couples comprising at least one gender-variant partner. A large proportion of those couples were destined for separation. But I've also met couples who had a rock-solid relationship. What that generally means is that I've met some absolutely amazing partners of transfolk. And they are. Rare. Incredible. Loving. Strong. Independent.
And of course, they aren't always strong. They went through the rough times in every bit as much pain and sorrow as all other partners of transfolk. They shrieked and cried, venting anger, grieving over their loss, doubting themselves -- doubting everything, I imagine. And they came through on the other side of the darkness. And they made the relationship work.
I can't express how much I am in awe of these women who suffer, die, then lift themselves up and generate enough love to save an intimate relationship. I'm honored to have met some of these women, and I am humbled.
Now there is a book with the voices of these women: Head Over Heels: Wives Who Stay With Cross-Dressers and Transsexuals by Virginia Erhardt, PhD. I have not read the book, but I've received a strong recommendation by one of the thirty women who was interviewed for the book. A work like this is long overdue, but I'm glad it's finally available.