Because this situation has just come up for me...

[snakey]

What's the most useful advice you can think of to give someone who knows they want to transition, but is terrified?

What do you wish someone had said to you?

Comments

[auntysarah]

If they're geographically convenient, I'd offer to take them along to my support group meeting. Would also suggest certain known-friendly & helpful chat rooms, etc.. Basically introduce them to some trans people, show them that it doesn't have to mean the end of the world, etc.

[scorpionflail]

This, very much this.

A key thing for me was meeting people who were various flavours of Trans and just getting on with life, the world hadn't ended, etc.

They helped make everything else possible for me.

[ceri]

Since it came up...

I feel a lot of nervousness about that. I mean, I'm an early-middled aged, way overweight person who looks like another guy who missed the turn-off for Microsoft. :) I feel, well, somewhere on the spectrum from "silly" to "pathetic" speaking of myself out loud as a woman. It works with people I deal with online, several of whom say they find it a good match for how I've always come across in text. But in person?

Part of it is that I have the long-time disabled person's resentment of the basically healthy people who traipse into a support group feeling that whatever basically trivial complaint they have is just as serious as full-blown fibromyalgia, or rapidly degenerating multiple sclerosis, or whatever. I don't want to be one of Those People.

Should I pull this out into a separate post?

[auntysarah]

I feel a lot of nervousness about that. I mean, I'm an early-middled aged, way overweight person who looks like another guy who missed the turn-off for Microsoft. :) I feel, well, somewhere on the spectrum from "silly" to "pathetic" speaking of myself out loud as a woman. It works with people I deal with online, several of whom say they find it a good match for how I've always come across in text. But in person?

I sympathise. Some support groups are toxic, for sure, but the one I mostly have experience with, TransLondon, has a number of members who probably fit into a similar category. A lot of trans women have been there, and while it can feel like it at times, you are not alone.

[ceri]

Oh, I didn't think I was alone in it by any means. I'll ask local contacts. I don't know anyone trans living in Seattle, but know trans people who know others here.

[ftmichael]

See http://t-vox.org/ for groups, Trans-friendly therapists, etc. in your area. I hear Seattle has a good, and reasonably big, Trans community.

[ceri]

Ah! Thank you!

[snugglebitch]

I'm in this situation a lot, and usually I just talk really down to earth realistically with them about what I've been through. I mean, I've lost a lot in all this, but I've gained a lot too (with my particular story, it helps to let them know I come from a rather extreme background). In a lot of ways, as awesome and radical and huge as transition might seem from the outside, in the day-to-day it's really slow and mundane and life just goes on. You still get up, and eat a few meals, and go to school or to work, and watch tv or read books or go to the park. It is going to be different, but in a lot of ways, and a lot of days, it's going to be very much the same.

Also, depending on how "out" they are, I find it helps to remind them of all they've done so far. That, yeah, starting physical (or even social) transition is a huge step, but look at the huge steps you've already taken. Even if the only thing they've done is talk to me about it, that's huge. I didn't even have the courage to do that; my girlfriend had to ask me about it before I really said anything to her, so taking that first step, definitely commendation worthy.

[sin_nombre]

I've always said that if it's family or friends that are at the root of their fears, anyone who truly loves you will probably come around and people will surprise you. My Southern Baptist best friend was pretty accepting from the start. My religious family, otoh, not so much, but they're still at the ignoring it/denial stage, probably because I can't grow facial hair yet (my job wouldn't allow it, anyway) and I haven't changed my name legally as far as they know.

And it's okay to take things slowly, transitioning is not a race or an exhibition. Contrary to what some in the trans 'community' say, there is no Best In Show prize and you don't get an award for being post-transition in under 2 years.

[static_hiss]

That second paragraph is absolutely spot on. It can be so easy to get lost comparing your "progress" to others. (Progress is in quotes there because everyone defines it differently.) There's no One True Way™ to transition.

[gg_the_undead]

seconding the last paragraph. i've been transitioning for 4 years, will probably take as long again to "complete", whatever "completion" means. it took me two years before i changed my legal name.

i wonder if this person thinks that sie needs to follow the whole fixed path of hormones & surgery? that maybe sie is feeling overwhelmed by the thought of doing things that sie doesn't want or is not ready to do yet.

[ryan_s]

Take small steps. I'm going slow, even though it looks a bit abrupt to people who don't see me frequently. It's been a year and a half and I'm still working on name change forms, waiting for my tax return to come back before filing them. There are many easily reversible things a person can do to get the process started if they haven't been done already - hairstyles, clothing, nickname, etc. Try presenting as the target gender part-time if full-time seems too daunting at first.

There will be some people who don't get it or don't want to acknowledge what's going on, so be prepared for that, but many will be accepting, even those you don't expect. I've gotten mixed reactions from my very conservative parents - some ignorance and some denial with acceptance of the superficial changes, but other than one argument with my mother early on, none of the hostility that I was expecting.

Also, gather lots of information. Find out your workplace policies regarding non-discrimination and see what your health insurance, if any, will cover.

[ten]

Questions one might ask and things one should look for when finding a good therapist. Short of having the luck that someone can recommend a therapist they personally know to be good in the person's vicinity, I'm sure there are telltale signs for certain quirks, and specific questions that can reveal a therapist's attitude a little, that one could pay attention to on an initial meeting.

I certainly know that for me, the only reason I haven't started therapy yet is that I have absolutely no idea how I can find a trustworthy and well-educated therapist in my city. Especially when you hear all these horror tales about extreme prejudices, mistreatment, manipulation and even sexual harassment.

[ftmichael]

I have absolutely no idea how I can find a trustworthy and well-educated therapist in my city.
Have you asked other Trans people? That's how you find them.

Start at http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_by_region . Everyone listed there comes recommended by Trans people, unless they have a note saying otherwise.

[chaoticgrace]

"If you know this, absolutely know this deep inside yourself, overcoming the fear will be worth it in the long run. And I'll help you as much as I can."

In a way they're lucky because they've realized...I think some people never do, can never admit it to themselves.

[sebastian-bound.livejournal.com]

"you are brave recognizing your needs." the people who tell me this are really the ones who get me through this whole process.

[transprose]

"take your time; you've got the rest of your life. when the idea of living another day without transition becomes worse than the idea of transitioning, it'll be time to move on."