Compromising My Identity To Pass
Apr. 23rd, 2007 10:19 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
mordred-sade.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transI'm currently having a conflict with myself. In particular, this conflict is about the times when being myself and passing as male are at odds.
Now, being myself includes feeling male, internally. There's no question about that. However, sometimes I look/dress/act/am interested in things which get in the way of my passing. Passing is very tenuous for me at this point, being pre-testosterone and pre-operative, and I'm hoping it gets better when I start the T on May 10th.
I can't stop beating myself up about cutting my hair, though. I liked my hair long--shoulder length. It was a mark of individuality, of rebellion and of ME, because I liked it. I believe strongly in not compromising who I am, for anyone or anything. I'd gained weight by the time I grew it out, though, and my tits were more visible. My butt and hips had filled out, too. After I grew it out, I didn't pass at all. I tried not to let it get to me, but then this conflict reared its ugly head. Even the transition comittee commented on it.
So, eventually, I sheared all my hair off. I passed...but I hated how I looked. I felt like a sell-out for defying my strongest ideal in the name of fitting into a mold. Now I can't look at myself without a bandana over my hair.
Has anyone else found their sense of self conflicting with passing at any time? Has anyone ever done something they wish they hadn't, for the sake of passing?
Now, being myself includes feeling male, internally. There's no question about that. However, sometimes I look/dress/act/am interested in things which get in the way of my passing. Passing is very tenuous for me at this point, being pre-testosterone and pre-operative, and I'm hoping it gets better when I start the T on May 10th.
I can't stop beating myself up about cutting my hair, though. I liked my hair long--shoulder length. It was a mark of individuality, of rebellion and of ME, because I liked it. I believe strongly in not compromising who I am, for anyone or anything. I'd gained weight by the time I grew it out, though, and my tits were more visible. My butt and hips had filled out, too. After I grew it out, I didn't pass at all. I tried not to let it get to me, but then this conflict reared its ugly head. Even the transition comittee commented on it.
So, eventually, I sheared all my hair off. I passed...but I hated how I looked. I felt like a sell-out for defying my strongest ideal in the name of fitting into a mold. Now I can't look at myself without a bandana over my hair.
Has anyone else found their sense of self conflicting with passing at any time? Has anyone ever done something they wish they hadn't, for the sake of passing?