When Doubts Come To Town... Am I So Alone?

[black-cat-1980.livejournal.com]

I have felt something these last few mornings that I've not felt for a long time...

 I am feeling doubts about who I actually feel I really am. ...

This notion to be honest is very confusing. I am trying to think of some reasons why I could be feeling these doubts. They could be due to the female hormones that I am taking for two weeks now. For this is the most significant thing that I have done recently. 

These past few days I have felt incredibly sound, contented, confident, and collected and I haven't felt this comfortable for a long time. I did have a horrible mood swing that scared me yesterday. I woke up feeling like I wanted to bite someone’s head off then before I went to work and had woken up I was bright as anything and happy as can be. I am expecting that I will have a lot of these and think it would take a lot to get through maybe. Though, between you and me I've had mood swings like this in the past and I've not even been taking female hormones!!!

My angst, dysphoria and anxiety have recently seemed to wane. To be perfectly honest I don't know whether to put this down to the hormones, or due to another profound thing I have realised before I started hormones. It could be due to the fact I've not even been out the house for the last two days except for work due to working on the late shifts. I know that my dysphoria is stronger when I am off work and on early shifts, when I am outside the boundaries of the home (my little world), around people and have many free thoughts. I do think the hormones could be making me feel more comfortable within myself though I can not be so sure because of this latter thing I mentioned.

Right now at this moment I don't know who the hell I am and well thinking and writing this is making my anxiety levels rocket. I feel like neither gender at this point. One thing is for sure though that I am scared of trying to validate myself as a male again. I am scared of falling back into that flow of things, giving up therapy, trying to make up my own therapy and then finally crashing back into gender dysphoria. The Round-about as I know feel it is.

I am beginning to have doubts that what I am is a woman after all my dysphoria has seemed to melt. I have wondered that it could be the hormones and androgen blockers that are helping/healing me. I think from my recent experiences it must be the dysphoria that is the largest driving force. I think it will be more heart searching now. That is a good thing but it’s a new feeling not being driven almost entirely by angst.

I have wondered these past few mornings whether the best thing for me is to eradicate testosterone from my body for ever. I will keep an open mind for it is the safest thing. To be honest deep down I am terrified at the thought of transitioning, and outing myself completely and I think a lot of this an affect on my doubts. I feel this could sound strange to some people though I have always been scared of upheaval and change. I was once a very quiet, shy and nervous person and deep down I am still that person. Outwardly I can act confident though it doesn't come naturally. I think it is just the process that am scared of and not the outcome. For some reason I am scared of everything being new because I'm used to the status quo that exists. I am also scared of the feeling of inverting myself to the entire world. I am scared of a process that will gradually expose everything I've held secret within my stone walls of a body and allowing the world to pick and prod it. I am scared of losing this defensive outer layer in the process and becoming even more vulnerable that I already feel. Maybe you are saying that I should be strong...

To be honest, this probably seems a strange notion but I wonder whether I will be taking female hormones for the rest of my life and living in the male gender. Yet, even this sentence has provoked something in me even now and made me think. I actually feel horror at this thought of living as the male I feel I live as now for the rest of my life. How can I win?

I have wondered whether it's my internal homophobia that is driving me into a need to be physically female. I knew only recently that I attracted to men and I to be honest I have wondered whether all my life I have been but not realised it. I am still scared of my desires that are developing now. I definitely feel more attracted to straight men though I am also scared of being attracted to completely straight men because I fear being violently attacked etc.

I find it hard, however, to comprehend myself being in a male/male relationship. To me at this moment in time it doesn't feel the right thing. Maybe it might be in the future and I will keep an open mind. Though, for me I see myself in a female/male relationship with a man. I understand a male/male relationship can be a female/male relationship though in a sense. Though, I have formed an opinion somehow that a man will look and desire my outwardly appearance and I seem to have a problem with this. I am not aware and yet to find out whether a gay man or bisexual man will be attracted to me if I tell him I don't want him to be attracted to my physical masculinity or even me as a man.

I think parts of my doubts are brought on by external fears. Even though the thought of feminising my body seems the right thing to do because I'm not "out" to the entire world I am scared of proceeding. I still feel hypersensitive to what I feel people would say about me. I can't let go of this fear unless I have some help to overcome it. I think its a thing I've learned over many years and I expect it will take a lot to work at it. I have doubts whether I can continue with hormones due to what seems like a stupid and weak fear I have. It seems like a catch 22 situation because if I stop I know I will regret it, if I continue I will continue to be scared. Well, I shouldn't be too scared after talking to my counsellors hopefully.

Writing this journal entry has helped me and I now feel less anxiety and my head feels less sore. Thank goodness I decided to write as much as I could down here and otherwise I would have been in a complete state now.

Today, the new guy that started on our shift will be moving to another shift. I don’t understand the feelings I have about this. I like this guy as an acquaintance though for some reason I’m so excited that another girl is coming onto my shift. So there will be three women out of five people now. I don’t understand why I want to be surrounded by women…