All the wrong decisions.

[anastras.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what to say without telling my life story. So grab some coffee and a muffin.
I can't say that 'I never really fit in' because I have mastered the art of changing myself to make other people comforitable. Over the past few months though, I am starting to have break downs.
When I was in high school I tried to tell my mother that I was Gay because I found myself getting involved in secret relationships with older boys that treated me like I was their little girl instead of a boy my age or girl that expected me to be some superstud guy. She broke down, kicked me out of the house, I cried for about two days and then promised her I would stop being 'stupid' and 'grow out of my phase'. I had to attend counselling sesions with my family's pastor, and eventually I was cured.
To gain my family's respect and acceptance after the hells I put them through as a teen, I joined the military...the Navy(lol). I went to boot camp, lost some weight, and went into training to be a nuclear operator. During my time at the year long training school in South Carolina, I guess I got sick again, because I found Mark, and then Melvin, and then Ryan, and then.....well you get the point. God Melvin had great legs. Anywho. I still dated a few girls to keep myself Bi, and I was happy.
Time goes on and I am transfered out to Bangor Washington, it's close enough, we'll just call it Seatle. As time ticks by, I got a dare...to dress up as a girl and go out to a live action roleplaying game that I used to attend. It was harmless. It was fun. And when I got home I couldn't wait for the next week end. I started to go to the game again, even though it was kinda boring there, just to be able to hang out and be treated like a girl. At first I felt bad because I know that there are people out there that strugle with the fight of who or what they are. I thougt about their REAL problems and started to hate myself for dressing up like a girl, until one night, I just started to cry. I cried, because I realized, I had been changing as soon as I got home every day. I confessed to a friend what I had been doing and he quickely helped me 'fix' myself so that it wouldn't become a problem with my military career.
While this was going on, I met Ali. She knew that I dressed as 'Angelica' for the game, but had no clue about the rest of my week. I dated her for quite some time, and she accepted my 'metrosexual' ways. I slowly let on that I had dated a guy or two in the past as a curious stage, and that made her kinda leary but not enough to call things off. Time moved on a bit and I fell in love with her. I decided that I didn't want to hurt her so I secretly got rid of all of the clothes I was hinding, all the makeup in the basement, and any traces that would betray any secrets. To ensure that I would not go back to those ways, I asked her to marry me.
Since we became engaged, she always jokes to her friends that I am going to be her wife and she is going to be my husband, based off of how we were dressed when we met. Even though I laugh it off, it kinda hurts alittle inside. Then it starts to grow. I have pushed the wedding back twice now for random reasons, but it's always the same. I feel a little bit like a poser when I put it this way, but, I think I'm a girl.
I look back on those times that I was able to exist in public, or sneak off to a club for a drink, or just walk down to the corner for a soda as a girl, and I can't stop crying. I get out of the Navy in less than a year and all I can think about is what life would be like if I could just live the way I wanted to. As who I wanted to be.
But I can't. If I live the way I want, I know that Ali and I won't make it. I feel like I have backed myself into a corner, but because I have chosen this path, I have to walk it. I just want to be who I want to be though. I'll stop rambling now. I'm sorry.