FUCK

[foreverraining9.livejournal.com]

 

SOOO much is on my mind right now!

Today I have to empty my savings account to pay off the rest of my tuition. This leaves me with about $100. I hate money, not just because I am a communist but also because there are so many things that I want to do with my life but can't right now because I don't have the money.

The first thing that I want to do is go back to Germany and live there. Unfortunately, because of my absense of money, this will not occur for several years, perhaps longer.

The second thing that I want to do is to start taking hormones (testosterone). However, I can not afford to do this. And no, insurance companies do not cover hormones, frankly they don't give a shit about trans issues. As a matter of fact, it has become apparent that nobody cares about these issues (except of course, those who I meet who also deal with these issues). A few more reasons why I can not take hormones right now are: my room mate and my parents. My room mate still does not kno that I am trans. Although I have been around her when my chest was binded (I don't think that she noticed though, she obviously does not stare at my chest on a regular basis.). My room mate might literally shit a brick if I just started going through transition, injecting myself in the thigh on a daily basis, dressing in drag daily, going by the pronouns "he" and "him" and also changing my name to Jordan.  In addition, my parents would probably stop talking to me entirely, hate me for the rest of my life, and be completely imbarassed and ashamed of me for the rest of thier lives. While my parents are very loving, fun, and supportive, I can never bring up two topics around them: 1 my bisexuality, and 2 my transsexuality. These are issues which haunt my life, an eternal gray raincloud over my head; an elephant in the room that I can never talk about or express when I am around them. I must act like an entirely different person when I am with my parents. I wish that my parents would just accept me and love me for who I am. I love my parents more than they will ever know but it pains me so deeply to know that they love not me but some person that I have to pretend to be.

Nice to meet you, I'm Jordan.

In addition, I can no longer afford cigarettes, it sounds stupid, but cigarettes are the only thing that I have to help me reduce stress and forget about things for just few minutes. I smoke on average, 15 cigarettes a day. just five short of a pack.

I don't know what to do.