I'm New

[roofiesandjuice.livejournal.com]

Hello, my name is Michelle and I'm 19. I'm having some sort of gender-identity... I don't want to say "crisis," but I don't know how to precisely describe it in one word. Anyway, I've always kind of considered myself "a gay man in a woman's body." It's been kind of a joke, something that I'd say and kind of laugh off. I recently had my boyfriend of almost two years come out to me and we broke up (of course). I always knew that he was attracted to men, and the fact that he would be interested in a woman was kind of out of character for him. I was overjoyed, thinking that I'd finally found a gay man who loved me, despite being a woman. He is not the first boyfriend I've had who has turned out to be gay, by the way, not that that matters too much to the story. Anyway, now I'm feeling like I've lost out on a relationship for being the wrong gender. I feel like the person he wants is the person I feel like I am. For the first time, I'm having to look closely at all of these feelings I've been having all my life. Who am I? Why do I love men who love men? I'm so confused and upset and lost... I don't feel like I am necessarily "transgendered," in the sense that I don't think that reassigning my sex is going to make me feel complete. But, if that's not the answer, then what is? Lately I've been really wanting to have a breast reduction, though. Really just to make it easier for me to bind them (I do drag, too). I think that if it were possible for me to pass as a man, I'd probably do it. I don't have any specific question or comment, I guess, but I'd just really like some support, maybe? I basically just searched for "transgender" and this community came up. I'm hoping someone here can offer me some words of wisdom or advice. Or something.
I'm really sorry this is kind of all over the place. I'm feeling particularly upset right now, and figured it was about time to seek some advice. Thank you all in advance, I really appreciate your time in reading this mess, haha.