"Inventive" Visuals

[perfectvictimv2.livejournal.com]

Okay well i'm back and this time I just got more update on everything. A lot went on yesterday and I just want to share with you people what's going on. I know like I can't use this place to talk about my whole life but this community really helps and I would really like as much advice as possible from other people since I'n new to this wholechange in my life and I havent even begun getting any pro help yet, I just want to make sure I can do this. This post is VERY long, but I promise this time its MUCH easier to read it. I broke it up so don't worry. Thank you for those who take their time to read and advice needed if wanted.



I have these visuals that I'm this beautiful girl, that I'm this happy girl walking down some kind of hall way and on my way i just past people and no one is looking at me, I'm just another girl out there in this world we live in. I'm just a girl who lives her life. I see these visuals sometimes when I close my eyes, when I sleep, sometimes I have dreams that I'm a girl, of course Alex are in these dreams and we are a gay couple but the visuals can't really be seen clearly because truth is, I don't know what its like to be a girl, I don't know what I'm going to look like, and I don't even know what its like to be in a female to female relationship. They are just visuals that maybe one day can be seen clearly. They are just fragments of my imagination.

Today was a hard day. I woke up today knowing that I had to do more research on this whole process of a transsexual. I was hoping that I was going to go to the book store, that my mom was going to take me so today at school I went on the computers and looked up books on the subject and I found a few great looking books that I think can really get me to understand all of this. You see when I do research usually it has to do with something for school or like something that I want to know more about, something that I know somethings about but want to learn more about. Here, I have no idea what the hell I am looking for.

There are all these puzzle pieces that I need to put together and I don't know where the 1st piece goes. I been getting better with the research and I even taking notes on paper so I can look back and see what I may need to look up later if I have too. So I'm on the school computers and I found great looking books, at least 5 of them seems like a good guide on a man to female process, so I'm hoping thursday I can go out and buy some of these books but I'm not so sure, since my mom is probably going to yell at me for doing something or she's going to be to busy like she was yesterday.

As you people are asking I'm putting spaces now. I'm sorry about yesterday and I know how hard it is to read something that has no indents at all. It can really get your eye to explode if you know what I mean. Today I woke up knowing that more people were going to find out about my change. I think slowly, I need to tell people, people I can trust and people who I know will want to know more about why I want to do this. So today I went to school and around my lunch period I was able to find my health teacher. Her name is Miss. Getz, a german health and my gym teacher. Now last year in my freshman year I would always go up and hug her, she's such a good teacher who I know I could trust about anything and she seems to be really intone with being in touch with people who go to her help. So today I found her at lunch and we went into her small office and we sat down and we started with how life is going and blah blah blah. Small talk, you know to get things ready for the big "WHAT!?" Well I told her the same story I told all of LJ and there was a big moment of silence.

And she just looks at me and smiles and she started out with how happy she was that I came to her about this and that she would love nothing more to help me with this. I told her that I need all the help that I could get and that I been trying to find things out on my own but I'm not getting the best of help because I'm a 16 year old kid trying to do something thats going to takes years, and I need all the support I can possible get. I also told her that my mom has been acting weird and that she seems to be really mad or upset, not so sure, about all of these. Well Getz goes on and tells me that your mom is acting like any other parent who 1st hears something like this so I need to give her the time that she needs to really get this in her head. And she is right but my mom is the kind of lady who...well...she wants me to be the son that she images in her mind. I was never the child she wanted, she adopted me thinking that I was going to be this rich snobby kid who was going to follow in the foot steeps that she left behind. Well I never became that, in fact, I became the very person she hated. For some reason my mom tells me that I'm going to become like her husband if I keep going down the road I'm going down too. Well my dad, I'm NEVER going to be like him. My dad was this very sad man who went nuts in the head after his father died. My dad's dad, was his guide through life, a dad's boy, once he died my dad was left with nothing but to go to the real world on his own. Well Months later he married my mother and they were never in love, they adopted me in the rush to have a kid, were not ready got into fights, and broke up, fought, blamed the whole thing on me, and now here I am with crazy women who wants the best for me but does not know crap about me since she has closed the mother and son relationship ever since I ran away in the month of november of 06. She ever since that my mom has lost all respect for me and we never really got along ever since then. We have our moments but they never last long. So Getz tells me without the help of your parents, what you want will be very hard to do.

You see, I NEED my mom with me on this. I can't have her leaving me in the dust with this. If I have my moms help, things can get done faster, easier and more understandable. Like I said, I'm 16 years old, not the smartest boy out there, I need older help that can understand terms and other things that I won't be able to understand. sure I guess anyone can do this on their own, but I don't want to do this alone, I need help so I'm going to seek it. So we both go on to talk about how her and I are going to do research on this subject more together. And I'm glade that Getz wants to help me and then she told me one thing we need to do is "Get your mom to not agree with what you want to do, but to get your mom to understand that this is not something that you just said "Screw it, I want to be a girl" this is something that you were born with" And she's right, I may have not known all my life that I wanted to do this, but I know from what my mom has told me, from what old friends and just past events that I was always more like a girl than a male. This was in my blood and sooner or later I would have awaken myself to the dream that I want to be a girl. So we went on and said that we should seek out the help of your guidance counselor.

So we both went upstairs to to the guidance office and right when we walk in Getz walks into my guidance counselor who is this older lady by the name of Mrs Clery. Get tells Clery that we need to talk to her about something and Clery was like "right away!" and we went into her office and kicked out this one student who was in there and we all sat down and this intern came in and Clery asked if it was okay if the intern who I forgot the name of can hear what I had to say. So the 4 of us sat down and then like a book being read I told Clery the same story I told everyone else. Well once more there was a moment of silence but then she smiled and thank me for telling her about this. She got up and clapped her hands and told the intern to leave the room and Clery started to say that in all her life she never met a student who sounded more sure about this than me. That really made me happy because it tells me that, this is all NOT in my head, that this is REAL, that this is what I really want. She got on the computer and asked me who my eye doctor was. I forget her name but I told her she used to be a tennis player and then got a job as a eye doctor.

I know it was very random and I had no idea what was going to come out of it. Well it happens to be that in brewster there is a eye doctor who had a male to female sex change and that she is very good friends with her. She told me if she can somehow get me to talk to her that she will try her best to get in touch me with me. Clery took down some notes and then asked how my mom acted to this. I told her that my mom at 1st said she would help me but now she seems to be angry with me and that she's not saying much right now. Clery told me that my mom is going to be in this state of mind for sometime and that I need to give her the space she needs. "Her help at this point is not needed, not till it comes down that you need to make appointments with therapy." Clery seemed to really had a good past on this since she sounded like she really knew what she was talking about. She told me that she is going to call some people and get as much information as possible for me. We got into the part when I wanted to do this. I told her I had mix feelings and that I been told to wait but yet others have said that I should do it when I'm ready.

These mix feelings are still in me and its still not clear when I do this. We went over the subject that doing this in high school would be hard because the students would not understand what your going through and may or may not do something about it. "But of course there are laws for such a thing and if a student touches you for the very reason that your going through a change, we can very easily kick him out of the school." Talking to Clery really made me see that what I want to do is not something unheard of, that this can really happen, now now, not then, but someday. And I felt safe for once in my own school hearing her say that. She told me that if I decide to do it while I'm in high school your safety will be granted. After that there was not much to say but a thank you. she told me that Getz and her and others will be in reach so I know what's going on and if this was something that I really wanted, they will do what they can to make things easier for me. To know that I can get help outside from home, it really made me happy and feel less alone in this.

Now later on in the day I was going to the bathroom before class and it took my longer than I thought it was going to and I was late for class. Well my friend Ed, if you can call him that, told me to come with him and we could get a late pass. Well we went back into the Guidance office and we went to his counselor and Ed asked if we could get late passes. She saw me and wrote the passes for us but when we were about to leave she asked if I could stay for a moment. Now I had no idea who this counselor was. Well she introduced me and told me she was Miss something. I don't remember. She told she got an E-mail from Clery and that she sent an E-mail to the rest of the staff in the school and that ears are now open about this. Now I'm not so sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing that the whole staff knows about my goal. I had mixed feelings about this since it was not like I wrote this down in the news paper for the whole school to know. And then she took out this sheet of paper and handed it to me and it was this Lesbian , Gay, Bi, and transsexual, group known as the LGBT social group. And she told me she made a phone call to see if she can get any names of therapists in the area that specialize in what I'm trying to do. So this is really on the roll. I'm really getting help and now that I'm not alone in this, I really hope I come to understand this more. Well we said our goodbyes and there was my school day. I was feeling really good about myself and I felt like I took a good step today and got farther and that things were going well. Little did I know that my mom and miss communication of staying happy with Alex would just bring the day to a halt.

Now before I get into what happen with my mom, Alex and I are fine. We have our moments that we just don't like...eh. Look I love Alex with all my heart and soul and Baby, I know your going to read this and I hope you know you did not bring me down today. I just want you, I just want us to be happy and stay that we. I only want the best for us.

So today I get home, take a good 2 hour nap, getting ready to get Devil may cry 4, and I was so hyped over it and my mom gets home and she wakes me up and is like lets go! So I'm ready to go and I said we are going to barns and nobel after right? And she was like "O no, not today, maybe you can go on your own friday when you go to see Alex, I had a bad day at work and I'm not feeling up to looking for books today." Of course this was yet another excuse to try to not deal with what I want to do. And I know my mom, I know this was a move to not deal with me and that made me really upset. So we get into the car and I go get my game and on the way back home I told her how I told my health teacher and the guidance counselor about what's going on and then my mom bugs out on me. "I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY TO KEEP THIS IN THE FAMILY ONLY MICHAEL" o I forget, so told me to keep it in the family yesterday, to late. Sorry. So she starts freaking out and starts yelling at me on how what can I possible get out of this, why would I want to do this to my body, why this and that, you seem to be a very confused child, are you sure your not gay? So I told my mom never mind, lets just change the subject. I got really upset in the car and I was surprised to hear my mom like this because was it not a day ago my mom told me she wanted to help me with this and then the next day later she is yelling at me? I really did not think telling the school was such a big deal.

I guess she did and she was like nothing is going to happen for year so why are you so obsessed over this? It took me 3 years to tell me own mother, that I wanted a sex change. 3 years of hiding this inside and finally I'm able to tell people and it feels so good, too good to be true and that I never felt that good about myself up to this point. That this what I want, to be a girl, to be able to live life like I always wanted it, just like my visuals. Well my mom got upset or something and stopped talking to me and we got home. I ran upstairs to call Alex, and that phone call was one of many weird connections we would have today and then it was dinner time. So I went down to dinner and I should have known by the may my moms fiancé slammed on the door that something was wrong. so I went down to eat dinner and they were both down there all very silent and then Mark, my mom's fiance looks at me and stares at my eyes and shakes his head. And he goes "After dinner I want you taking off that crap out of your eyes" he was talking about my eye liner. Here is a man who crossed dressed in collage and he is telling me he has a problem with me wearing the eye liner!? Not only that but I had this on ALL week and now you realize that I have eye liner on? So I tell him no. He goes "If you don't then I will do it for you, are you till gong to tell me now?" and I was like "I can wear the eye liner all I want Mark." And he gets really made and screams "YOUR GOING TO TAKE THAT FUCKING STUFF OUT OF YOUR EYE YOU FREAK" And then as a sat down to eat my dinner, hamburgers and fries, I heard him scream at me and it took me a minute to really get it in my head he called me a freak.

I got up, started to cry and told my mom and him I was not having dinner with them tonight. I took my food and went into my bed room to talk to Alex about what just happened. It really stills upset me I was called a freak. I feel like I'm not conformable in my own house. That I can't act, dress and be who I want to be in my own house. I knew after that, I did not have my parents on my side and I sat there for a good time crying over this as I called Alex.

Hearing her voice got me to relax but after one moment I just walked myself into another. For the rest of the night would be filled with Alex and I being upset over this and that, then being okay, and then unhappy to never fixing what happened before she went to bed. Alex as you well know, is the love of my life. I do not call her my girlfriend because she is so much more to me than that. Hell in my heart she is my wife. I love her to the words has no means to it and she is my whole world and life and has been for a year. We been going out for 6 months, well 6 months being on the 8th of this month, can't wait. Well lately for about 2 or 3 months Alex and I have been going through a lot. She has deep depression so we went through that and then just from I don't even know! Ever since this one week in december, where she went away to see her grandparents, things got weird. After she got back we were GREAT, New years came and then after that, every day we would get into some kind of weird mess. it would be over little things too. We only really had 2 or 3 major conflicts that we solved but its the little things that are making these weird moments for each other and it is still going on too! And its driving me and her nuts because there is something wrong but what that is I don't even know. Today when I called her, what really got us was that arg...So much.

Let me think, today what got us was the whole subject on the sex change. Everything about it, every little point that I talked about with LJ, we talked about today and each time we got into something. But then we would be fine and talk good for 10 minutes and then we would fall right into something else. For a good hour this went on. We would stay happy and then we would be talking back and forth saying things that would upset each other. The biggest thing was of course was the change of male and female relationship to female to female. We talked about how I wanted to be more like a girl, and dress more like one. And that went great, she said I could use her cloths, and we could go shopping together and she made me feel so great about the whole change, you know its not like everything is bad. Her and I have our ways and no matter what happens we always talk things out, lets not count tonight because she called me to say good night and if she was more "awake" as she would say we would have gone to bed fine. But I guess I will have to live with the fact that today was okay with each other, just not great. I think what got to use tonight was this. The fact that she is going lesbian, the fact that one day I'm not going to be her baby boy, the fact that I'm going to have boobs and a vagina , the fact that we are not going to have the norma l american family, the fact that she wants to marry me when I'm a male, the fact that I don't like the feeling of sex itself but like the feeling I get when I'm having sex with her, the fact that I want to be her baby girl, the fact that, I'M GOING TO BE A GRIL. Now all of that, we got into something about, clearly she does not want to let go of the boy.

The person she fell in love with and I can't blame her. Not at all. She fell in love with the man who made her know what love is, not the girl that I'm going to be. we talked about this for a very long time and the biggest key point to all this not all of what I just said, but this. Alex is straight. She likes males, she likes sex, she likes the bare chest, she likes everything a straight girl likes about a guy. She loves being straight with me. The fact that one day, I'm going to have boobs, I'm going to have a vagina and not a penis, the fact that its going to be hard to have the feeling of a girl holding her around her warms, feeling boobs press onto her, to stay warm with her, the fact that I want to be her baby girl and not her baby boy, it upsets her. It makes her cry thinking about it. And I feel like, is this going to effect our relationship for the worse? Is this going to harm us? She tells me no, she tells me, I'm always going to be the love of her life and It was music to my ears to hear that, to know even if I'm a girl she is still going to be with me. But is it by force that we are going to be gay together? Is there anyway to get the feeling away that she has? I just want what's best for Alex...and I feel like.....making her go gay with me after the change, its forcing her to be something thats not her. Are you born gay? or is it a choice? And then I look at it like this, am I straight? I know after the change, I'm NOT going to like males I hate being one, I have grown to hate my penis and grown to hate everything about being one. I'm confused on that part.

If I know after the change I'm always going to love Alex, always wanting to be with her, what does that make me? You know...Alex and I have our moments but they can never replace the love we have for each other. So yes, we had a hard time tonight, but if what we have is real, and it is, if Alex is telling me, she wants to be with me after the change, then why do moments like tonight make a dent in our relationship? Even when we are not at our highest, our love for each other is, and that fact is what get us to over come anything that comes to us. Our fights are ones that can't even be called fights. They are arguments shaped in the form of complex love. Love that is to last forever. Its like the sun set. Beautiful as it goes into the sky, hot and fearsome, But in the end of the day, when its going down, its beauty never fails to show off that something so harmful can be so perfect, just like our relationship.