Self-administration

[elegancewaves.livejournal.com]

I know there are some trans-folks who are avidly against this topic, as I'm aware self administering hormones is risky behaviour, however I'm hoping not to recieve too many negative responses to this and more helpful responses.

This is probably going to sound over dramatic or something and like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. There's actually a level of desperation to it. I feel very pressed for time, even though I'm only 21, because I notice that as the days and weeks go by, more and more of my masculine traits seem to be taking over my body and as they do I feel more and more imprisoned. I have this thing about body hair, being MTF, where it pisses me off and angers me to no end. I have some very unfortunate Scottish/Irish male hormones, which basically say that as time goes on, the hair on top of my head will gain a fear of heights and jump (something I've already had numerous tears over, and am fixing with a shampoo/conditioner called Nioxin that exfoliates away DHT) and the hair on my body will grow and spread like a weed on steroids.

If I shave, significant stubble returns by morning, and waxing only does me good for about a week, and since waxing isn't exactly cheap on a low-income budget, I can't keep it up every week. I don't have time in the morning every morning to perpetually shave my body, and making sure every inch of skin on my body is covered when hair is present is difficult if you want to be some kind of an attractive woman, and I run the risk of having a stubbly chest by the time I'm done with my day if I don't cover up. More and more frequently, a hair follicle on my back will spring to life and greet me with a new little enemy, and every time this happens, it causes me much emotional turmoil. I'm self concious about my body, and I'm self concious of the fact that I have to dress more boyish than I would like to hide the body I'm so scared of. This was triggered even more when yesterday, after helping a customer, I went to the back room and he turned to my manager and asked "Is that a boy or a girl?". She and I were both angered by his rudeness, but she pointed out that the way I dress doesn't exactly help my case any. So it became obvious to me that I need to stop the spreading of what I dread so much, and reverse it, and unfortunately I don't feel I can wait for my therapists letter to start. The required 6 months of therapy I'd need in Alberta, plus the waiting time to even be able to afford the therapy, floods me with a feeling of being overwhelmed, scared, and that I'd quite frankly rather die tomorrow than feel like I'm slowly dying for the next half year or year as the past 6 years have already been traumatizing. I fully intend on seeing a therapist and getting legitimate prescriptions, but  I'm tremendously sick of being trapped in this  prison of mine.

I'd also like to add that I've done much research on the subject of hormones. Many many hours of reading. I'm aware of the benefits, and I'm doubly aware of the risks and side effects. I have fears of these things, which is why I know I eventually NEED to see a doctor, but  my other fears and related depression far outweigh  them.

Do any members have any helpful comments or advice?

And specific questions I have are:

Do you self administer? What was your experience doing as such? Where did you get hormones from? Did you find it difficult talking to therapists about it when you eventually went to one, and did they have anything to say about it?