Endo Appointment referenced earlier

[didactic-cudgel.livejournal.com]

I saw the endo today and it was not as smooth as I would have liked.
Her initial questions made it clear that she believed me to be on the standard TS SOC path, so I had to stop her to explain that I didn't want SRS and that I am not a transsexual. She was quite confused by the statement and I had to explain that I identify as both male and female at once. She became somewhat ... confrontational, I guess. I had a very difficult time explaining how I felt, because I was so thrown off by her somewhat antagonistic tone.
"Normally, this treatment is for someone who wishes to live full-time as a woman, for a period of a year or so and then have gender reassignment surgery."
"I know this," I said, "but that is not my goal. I simply want my body to match my brain. It feels incomplete to me."
"Perhaps your desire to express your femininity would be better served through cross-dressing or getting a push-up bra?"

I told her that I'd been cross-dressing since I was five and that it wasn't cutting it. "As I told my therapist, I'd rather be a feminine bigendered person who has to work at passing as male than a masculine bigendered person who has to work at passing as female."

I also told her about going to the Robert Crown Center in Chicago in 5th grade for "the puberty talk" and listening to the nurse-lecturer talk about how in rare cases some boys develop breasts for a brief period as their body's hormonal balance shifts around. I looked around at the horrified expressions on everyone else's face and tried to mimic it while internally hoping and praying it would happen to me.

She talked then about the risks involved in hormone replacement, to the liver and the cardio-vascular system. I explained that I knew there were risks, that I had was aware that I was not choosing an easy path for myself and that I had not made this decision without a lot of forethought. I also told her that I knew that I was taking on social and mental risks as well and that I believe this to be the right path for my life.

In addition, she stressed that I must quit smoking, successfully, before I start any treatment. Good thing I'm using the last pack in the carton. I had planned to quit soon anyway as I know it is a risk factor, but, well, no time like the present.

She asked multiple times "When you have sex, is it as a man or a woman?" I didn't know how to respond, actually, except that insofar as I have a sex life, it has been as a man. I didn't know if she was asking if I "gave or received" or if she was trying to determine if this was a fetish or paraphilia. In talking to my ex-wife, and after having read up on Lupron, which she seemed to indicate was her anti-androgen protocol of choice, I think she may be trying to determine if I wanted to retain erectile function (I do), but she wasn't direct enough about it for me to be sure. I don't have much of a sex life at the moment, frankly, being recently divorced and there being few women seeking a bigendered partner, so it didn't seem as relevant as she was making it at the time.

She also was concerned that my therapist wasn't sufficiently specialized in gender therapy (she isn't, but we do have a good repoire and work well together) and intimated that I may have to see a more specialized therapist before she would agree to it. 

In the end, though, while she never really seemed to "get it" she did seem willing to work with me, albeit on her terms, of course. She listened to my breathing (which was slightly odd in itself, in that after listening while I was seated, she had me stand so she could listen again, but didn't say there was sometime amiss) and felt my pecs for breast tissue (I'm flatter than most 10 year old boys, have nearly 0% body fat and never have been able to develop anything resembling a pectoral profile). She said that she wasn't sure how much growth I would get as I didn't seem to have any subcutaneous tissue at all. That seems somewhat odd to me, but we'll see what happens.

She did order blood-work and told me to schedule another appointment in two weeks, but at the last minute, changed her mind and added a karyotype in addition to a CBC, liver enzyme panel, testosterone level and estradiol level she had already ordered and amended it to one month out. I went to the blood draw, scheduled the appointment for Sept. 25th and left. I wonder if she thinks I have a genetic abnormality causing my bigendered identity. Seems dubious...

I called my therapist to let her know that the endo would be calling her, and she informed me, briefly since she was headed into a session with another patient, that the endo had already called her and my therapist had to reassure her that I wasn't entering this lightly, that my identity was male and female and that I was aware of the risks. She also said that she would help me find a gender therapist to talk to as well and inquire with her listservs to see if any of her peers had any experience with bigendered individuals. I'll find out more, as she was in a rush, when I see her on Thursday night. The therapist, though, seems to have a more optimistic and favorable outlook than I got from her.

I do not believe that I acquitted myself and my point of view well. I was quite taken aback by her somewhat baffled and contrary manner, but I believe that she was almost certainly doing her medical duty in making sure that I'm not entering into this lightly or with poor information. I think she could have been a little kinder about it, but I think it might work out eventually. It is forward progress, but slow. I knew going in that the best I could expect is a blood draw, but I had hoped for a smoother appointment. Now comes the waiting... again.

Does this seem at all normal to those of you who have experienced this?

(x-posted to bigender)